Happiness?

Dear Friends,

I'll been having a long blog barren period. My mind and emotions are currently not in fast correspondence. (and you've probably noticed that I blog in bursts of emotions and random thoughts instead of occurrences)

About 3 months ago, I told myself, i would write this summer. I wanted to. So certain that I would create animate characters in a world where I played god. A dash of hope, some brewing love, yet all simmered on the flames of reality with inevitable pain.

Little less than 100 days passed. Yet not a single word document was opened, not a single word written, not figment of story invented in my head. Maybe I didn't know what to write? Or I didn't like to play god, considering my history of leaving decisions to circumstances and placing myself at life's full mercy, I would think the latter - a larger part of the reason.

Like a pendulum at rest in sync with Newton's first law. I have forsaken the extremes ends of emotional scale, remaining very still in my cloud of constant confoundment. Days went on, starting with long slumber ending with an even longer slumber. Activities like an occasional walk, vaccinations, correspondences were kept at the bare necessities.

In tandem with experimenting with the new philosophy of objectivism, spurts of emotions like sadness, anger, fear, anxieties were rationalized and put aside to do the logical and the healthy.

It helped, for survival and to get along. Yet, as I now click on every alphabet on my black mac keypad, I can't avoid that ominous tone that loomed over every single word in the past paragraphs.

Perhaps you're tired Of listening to my whines and conflicting struggles? But I think that repressed part of me, resented the necessary and the calm front that hides the vortex within. Fann was right, I was a rebel, I enjoyed my vices that formed my life's self-defeating patterns.

If change was good and 'right', and by all possible means I tried to change in a healthy direction. Is the answer to happiness, then, a simple, no-expectations living? Which would lead to another question: 'simple' by WHOSE standards?
Most people I know, would reply to this and say by my-your own standards. (Which often seemed to me a insincere way refuting to give advice in fear of responsibility issues. OR is that just ME? Because that's exactly what I'll do)

And a paradox it may seem, because my standards (for now) would be never simple. I wouldn't say wanting is bad, though it does hurts a great deal more than settling.

Or maybe the happiest people are those that don't think about happiness, or unhappiness for that matter. But that knowledge of that is like telling a HIV carrier, there will be a cure for AIDS in the future, just most possibly after you die. I'm not quite sure if it helps me just yet.

Just as for the question of love? of Ethics - Good and Bad? Happiness are things I ponder heavily on these days... I can almost hear myself giving me the advice (since I have very little company these days - I talking alot to Jeanie these days). Don't think about them so much, live life and find your answers in them.

But the only thing I agree wholeheartedly with Ayn Rand (the philosopher) is that most people I see who take that approach - DRIFT [FULLSTOP]. One of the few things I know for sure is I don't want to DRIFT. Though it does seems that all I do these days.

And looking at my friends again, I wonder sometimes in weak moments that maybe both me and Rand are wrong.

J