making mistakes.

i cannot understand how i can be contemplating a 4 year full time undergraduate course in Fine Arts, Cantonese. When it seems impossible for me to complete and survive this remaining 10 days of LASALLE diploma in english.

Blame it on the college system, on the poor competition from the class, on the uncommitted and sometimes unqualified tutors and lecturers. But a much needed talk of truth with a friend, ripped off all these excuses. And i left with me. ME - the root of the problem.

My inability to overcome my initial stress of perfecting my every attempt at any module that interest or challenges. My fundamental state of laziness. To skip classes, the same way i miss out on life. To leave work till the last moment, convincing myself I run best on adrenaline.

There's a paper due tomorrow morning on Art Writing. I've attempted on work on this over the past 2 weeks, a couple of times. All failed attempts. I cower in face of intimidation. I need examples I claim, but those examples given, however irrelevant, deter me from my endeavors.

I laid on my bed, just 10 mins ago, concocting my new mixture of excuses for the teachers, to convince myself it will be perfectly alright if I don't submit this. And I need rest and sleep - which is the least of my needs, considering the amount of rest I accumulated over the past weeks.

This is crunch time. This is it. But my utter failure to muster any form of urgency for the situation, worries me more than the possible and impending failure to submit my assignment tomorrow.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, I lost even the concern for meeting my responsibilities. OR have I never possessed that. All I have is a misguided perception of my abilities and the mistakenly projected products of them.

but that isn't happiness.
and i'm not working.
period.

the last 26 days counting...

As the previous post has captioned, I returned to Starbucks. Leaving home, grandma, tongtong, my bed and all others earthly bounds, behind for a not so quiet corner of Central, Clarke Quay.

As my perspectives shifts, I have grown accustomed, in fact in much fond thoughts, of the sounds (those that infiltrate the playing music past my $100 eyepiece), disruptions (like the kind Caucasian lady who just a moment ago asked me for my extra chair, not occupied by my Sweet William bag) in this coffee place - which I now drink Chai Tea at. Temporarily inhabited by business, leisure, formalities, lifestyle, those who hide, some who seeks, and the others who exist in limbo - like me in the incoherent mix of paces and paths in life.

Before I sink and soak into the next Katrina that is bound to devour my consciousness, I seek this last moment of solace. To know that standing just 26 days apart from my departure from this station of life - possibly my last as a student, I remain clear with some happiness residual from the days before in celebrations of friendship, bearing the strength from toast of Sangreals, with cathartic screams that emptied the barrels of pent-up sensibilities. And I proceed forward in full awareness of the denials and emotional limits I remain in constant fears of meeting. The many incidents and happenings that bring upon floods that cannot be placed into words.

It seems bigger and so much more fearful, when finally confronting the monster at the end of the journey. You may no longer see it, and cannot determine its position of the heart any longer standing, just in front of it. That is when, you are finally tested with the sword in the rock - to be met with might, tenacity and that fateful dose of luck.

Now, done with the florals of words and back to the financial statements and the conclusion I so need.

Back to starbucks..