making mistakes.

i cannot understand how i can be contemplating a 4 year full time undergraduate course in Fine Arts, Cantonese. When it seems impossible for me to complete and survive this remaining 10 days of LASALLE diploma in english.

Blame it on the college system, on the poor competition from the class, on the uncommitted and sometimes unqualified tutors and lecturers. But a much needed talk of truth with a friend, ripped off all these excuses. And i left with me. ME - the root of the problem.

My inability to overcome my initial stress of perfecting my every attempt at any module that interest or challenges. My fundamental state of laziness. To skip classes, the same way i miss out on life. To leave work till the last moment, convincing myself I run best on adrenaline.

There's a paper due tomorrow morning on Art Writing. I've attempted on work on this over the past 2 weeks, a couple of times. All failed attempts. I cower in face of intimidation. I need examples I claim, but those examples given, however irrelevant, deter me from my endeavors.

I laid on my bed, just 10 mins ago, concocting my new mixture of excuses for the teachers, to convince myself it will be perfectly alright if I don't submit this. And I need rest and sleep - which is the least of my needs, considering the amount of rest I accumulated over the past weeks.

This is crunch time. This is it. But my utter failure to muster any form of urgency for the situation, worries me more than the possible and impending failure to submit my assignment tomorrow.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, I lost even the concern for meeting my responsibilities. OR have I never possessed that. All I have is a misguided perception of my abilities and the mistakenly projected products of them.