Running out of steam and freezing.

借著故事中的悲劇，讓自己流淚。
但落幕了，眼眶中的濕氣卻還在。
原來，淚一直都是為自己流的。
跟別人說的話，一直也只是再重複的說服自己。
原來，我才是那個最不相信自己的人。

人離開後，天變冷了。
天氣不似預期。

Winter Hauls....

I'm supposed to be doing my prep for my ethnics paper... But I can't seem to stop myself from google-ing: "Camel Coats" or "Angora Sweaters"... or to stop running (2 steps) to my wardrobe and admiring my new winter hauls...Maybe Kahee was right when she said I'll be wearing Kiddo (the name of my NEW WHITE ANGORA THROW in the hall.... It's called kiddo, because it's like my baby lambskin I wear to cover my wolfish-ness.. but more simply, cause its high maintenance like a kid... (it sheds more than Tong does....)
Though HK don't have winter and is not even cold.... :( I'm hoping that the temps will start falling so I can wear my new coats out... Though I really swore I was going to get Cool Black coats.. I ended up with a Camel cute one, with a Little Prince cut.. Which I just realized now that I don't know how to match... and my trusty Pull and Bear leather jacket... (which i bought in sep.. but have not worn)

Anyways... my winter jacket collections!!!!!! and new bags.... (YES I SHOP WHEN I"M STRESSED) ps: the pink bucket baggie is my 21st b'day pressie from dad. (though i thought too that my lasik was supposed to be the pressie.. but who's really counting when i'm not complaining:))))

I'm getting use to watching the sun come up from my windows these days. I'm very awake and "est tres tranquil" at this time.

Everything in its time, seems like a far too ancient thing for me to say. But facing the blank state of my current life (you can pretty much figure out, how active I've been by how frequent the posts are. So since my prev post was since my first canto test and my 2nd one's upcoming next week, it's clear that Jeanie, here, have been sitting out on life once more).

Anyways, I was saying.. my blank life. is well BLANK.

But the improvement is at least I work (a little), and I'm (slowly) embracing my POOR french and hatred for group work. And gradually easing into philosophy. I found this amazing chapter in a philo writing that's titled: It's Sunday night and I have a philosophy paper due Monday morning. See philosophers can have a good sense of humor and be VERY GROUNDED in reality.

I'm digressing. But actually, I pretty much have nothing else to say. Just like I have nothing to say to all my acquaintances. I'm working on that.

I did my oracle readings last weekend. And the same cards came up. For Love: apparently I still have too much baggage to start anything. I did a pretty accurate reading for my roomie too. Well, its good to know that I'm still connected there.

PS: Hkies ARE NUTS! They're having hall fest just one week before exams and submissions... So every night now I hide in the library or pretend i'm part of the furnishings in my room. Why did I think I'll ever fit in?

J

Letters to myself.

Dear Jeanie,

I cannot believe you missed your cantonese test today at 1pm. I'm sure we're both well aware of its 20% weightage and in view of everything your best shot of all the future assignments in this course for you to keep that C instead of a D. Yes, we are struggling to even maintain a C.

You could tell me that you fell asleep at 9.30am, with full intention to wake up 2 hours later for the final revision of the materials before the 1pm test. But you and I, both, know that you gave up long before you went to bed.

You gave up, so instead of spending the night hard at work memorizing the grammars of the language, you watch cycles after cycles of America's Next Top Model (none of which you remember now). You spent the time listening to the new Taylor Swift album, surfing through the meanings of the lyrics, when you should be focusing on the the meaning of Cantonese.

Subconsciously, you made the test too insignificant to register. And you can't even plead first-time offense. Because you've done it before. In Sec School. In Lasalle. When you simply can't or well, didn't study for the papers, you damn well know is important. So you sleep, hide, pop pills, whatever allows you runaway from being a responsible person. Then, you waste good, hard-earn money to bluff a MC and get away.

But you know what. You're 21 now. And away in HK.
I did not bring you here just for the grades, we could that anywhere.
I brought you here for a fresh start, and to learn from scratch how to be a person. GOOD person.

I'm sorry you have to learn this at 21. But, we're not going to the doctors' this time.
We're not lying to the teachers. I wanted to let you suffer by losing those grades (and possible fail this course. Yes, I am that serious)

But Kahee is right, I should grovel. Grovelling will be the perfect punishment that will stick in your muddy little nuthead and deter future incidents like this.

So you will grovel to the Cantonese lecture (who positively hates your guts) and without lies, ask for a second chance.

Do take care and follow the rules from now on. I do not wish to see another repeat incident. Just never give up. (And I've not even started on the Karate.)

Farewell for now. But I'll be watching..

Best. yourself. (better self)

I always thought whenever something comes up. Even if everyone's out of reach, I could type it out and share it. But this time, even that seems out of reach.

I would watch really old dramas from the past. And tear up, just suddenly.
I would work myself into exhaustion so when I hit the bed. I sleep, unable to think.
I would go shopping. And find out later that everything I bought was black.
1 black bag. 2 black dress. 1 black skirt. 1 black hairband. 1 black leggings.
I would put up a smile and tell people nice and optimistic things, especially when all I wanna do is hole up and scream.

Now you tell me what's wrong. Cause I wouldn't let myself figure.

I'm officially 21.
meaning I can drink in virtually every country in the world LEGALLY. Drive (with a license that is). and Gamble (if you're into that kinda stuff).

And I had a great week. Suffering through abortion english drafts, and canto recordings. Great meals with KR and pals, sad meals alone. And with daddy and mummy, whom quarreled minimally this time (To my greatest joy). With extravagant meals (I REALLY MEAN IT), my virgin casino gamble and presies. (i'll post pics someday)

As for my 3 magical wishes:

One) I want to remember and carry that purposefulness, and hopefully passion, I found when I came to HK for the nexr 5 years of my life - at least.

Two) To work on that special someone. after I work on me.

Three) I'm saving for the day if the special someone or my purpose fails.

Goodbye 20 yrs old. Hello 21. and Hello my work, it's time I faced the music.