I quote from yesterday: "
Alot to sleep on tonight.

1. When-ever I'm going to get to cleaning my room?
2. Finalizing my resolutions: maybe I shall have a Yes-day?
3. Yes or No to life. That seemingly ridiculous count-down party on YiXian's place?
4. My finance budgeting for 2009, I splurged too much on soap of the late, clearly....
5. my mobile phone????
6. College tuition fee.ee.e "

From point 1 to 6: nothing(except 3) resolved! And nope no progress what-so-ever with "living the truth", and would to add that I just.. about a month ago realized that I spent my entire holidays without lifting a single brain cell to think about my Conservation project due SOON enough next sem. So much for salvaging my grades.

I would love to drone on about my day which kick off with dearest Mummy waking me from the weirdest dream in a while --- Vanessa eloping with some guy... To me, poking my eyes out with eyeliner I would love to throw out, if I didn't remember that it cost A BOMB and occasionally does looks really good on me. All dimmed when it KILLS my contact lenses.

Then to my afternoon at the ancient civilization museum, as promised yesterday. Which was usually surprisingly pleasant with good conversations, and this time I avoided the lies, and untruth to the best of my abilities. Well, maybe except the fact that I already SEEN the exhibition of "Neither East nor West" with Kat, 1 month ago. (I told them I didn't) But I did try.

But, no details will be added unlike promise. Of course I will have to break promises like my usual style. This time, though for a good reason, considering the drama which follows my day.

On my way home: I overslept, not on slumber, but on the complete enjoyment of the alienation provided by my over blasting ipod and fantastic playlist and comfy MRT chair. From Raffles Place to Dhoby to HarborFront to SengKang then FINALLY home and horrors.

I came home to the news of my dog, love of my life, reason for living, being sent to the vet on emergency call --- becoz HE ATE CHOCOLATE. AN ENTIRE BAR!
Imagine that. If only I had not dallied on the MRT. GOD! I can't explain the feeling of fear not knowing or being there, yet understanding that he should be well logically. But, yet fearing the worst. It's definitely irrational. It, of course suddenly dawned upon me that Tong does NOT need tricks training like I prev planned, he needs the most BASIC training - obedience. MY GOD! (and I don't even have a religion.) MY GOD! Imagine my horror!

He survived. though I'm not taking it for granted, not un-glad just scared after the whole prep talk from the Vet. SCARED TO HELL!

Dinner at nearly nine following I went to the Doc's for myself and with mum(some ulcer for too many TVB drama nights). I went for my ears, which hears weirdly and blocked-ly - and yes it gives me a slight headache. And also to make an appt for my eye check up with some optic- specialist or whatever they are called. I'm certainly sure I don't want to turn blind(knowing that Tong will NEVER, in my life or his, become a suitable blind man dog), or having issues with doing research readings next sem which starts in 5 days. So that's an appointment I'm bent on keeping

And then come home to find my handphone missing (then found in the backseat of the car), MY GOD! Speak of drama, I think it has certainly left the DVD player and entered my life, though I really hope it is merely passing and is leaving with the ending year of 2008.

Ooohh... sighs. But all of today, mostly the lost phone part, has given me a epiphany. Which is a sudden long-lost recollection of my own used-to-be moral opposition to changing phone within the 2 year contract period.(Though I have certainly lost most of my moral oppositions like my former refusal to buy expensive soap - overthrown by my recent LUSH purchases, etc). But, in this case, I shall stick to the former and not change the phone(partially because the ones I want are out of stock, of course) and sent it to the service center instead. I make myself proud.

Yet, above all the many real-life dramas and many nitty-gritty things I SHOULD do before the next year, I find myself humoring myself with make-up ideas for tomorrow's costume countdown party, and worrying about my lack of intelligence because of Sylvia's greatly amusing and painfully truthful link: http://ramblingsandrandomness.blogspot.com/2008/09/twilight-spoof-or-two.html . (Please read it, it's really funny). I now really feel worried for my own disintegrating brain cells, and for my mental age. OH Dear...

And to top it off for terrible youthfulness, I actually spent my day(meaning before sun set, i.e. before TongTong's unintentional suicide attempt with Chocolates and reading the link) contemplating re-visiting the books. GOD! I think I actually will do that. I conclude with this entries that I have SCREWED priorities.

Strangely though, I feel like my age for the first time in quite a while.

Till tomorrow then, which will probably be the new year. For updates and hopefully scary pics from the party and new year resolutions.
PS: my mac has 12 mins of portable battery left. Ending with an early HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Sometime next year, jeanie

On my itunes playlist: "Lies", the Pierces
I've got a real one for you
I'm done with compromise
Lies are wide and black and blue
They hide inside those big brown eyes
You've gotten dirty, angel
Aren't you ready to come clean?
I am looking down with sorrow
You say that I'm being mean….

Don't you hear me when I say I'm lonely?
Do I kid myself to think that I.. I.. I…
Am your one and only?

Cross your heart and hope to die
White or black it's still a lie
Every city that you fly
I sit home and wonder why
While you're out there getting high
One more night for me to cry
Can you look me in the eye?
Cross your heart and hope to die

Narrative writing has always been my poorest writing in English class. I dunno which part of me is malfunctioning, but my brain simply have problems chronological documentation.

I subject that to my being TOO random.. Entirely too random. and maybe a strap overly emotional.

In any case, as Jasmine so kindly reminded me: I have not blogged in nearly a week. I believe my overactive sub-conscious have formed some kind of bad mental association to this cathartic process - which is definitely the reason why I have been procrastinating blogging like I refused to write my thesis on Chirico last semester. And quite powerfully you know, my life in the absence of documentation of thoughts and actions melted again into another veil of blur...

There. You have it. I'm writing another synopsis of my life, instead of a narrative journal.
I will keep trying you see, to give you a proper journal of my reality in life - to the best of my abilities.

The past days from eve of Christmas eve to well post boxing day have been so eventful. I am so certain it will drone on for pages. Thus, my regret for not keeping it here for your perusal and for your leisure reading. I'm trying to do a content page, just purely for keepsake purposes.

23th Dec: into twilight: 3rd book - Eclipse. Imagine me, reading and reading into dawn. Cursing at Bella's indiscretion with only TongTong not listening.

24th Dec: Xmas Eve, Great dinner. IC spotchecks for wine drinking. (Though I really can't imagine why anyone would think I'm 15, even I don't look that young). And 3 or issit 4 Sapphire Tonic on the rocks, post dinner at clarke quay... Talks and murmurs, I really shouldn't enjoy drinking this much. But, I really do - on a weird level. It's dangerous though, the mood I get into after drinks. You know, I could really get myself into a deep deep pool of s*** if I completely let myself go that night... (Though I should be almost drunk)Post-drinks: More reading twilight: 4th Book: Breaking into Dawn.

25th Christmas DeC: A complete blur. Too many people kills my frequency I think. No reception except for more reading at 2am: Still Breaking into Dawn. And I think, very irrationally, finishing the series, killed some part of me. Almost like ending a relationship. I form strange emotional attachment to non-living things. MAke that non-human things. Yet, I have the worst problems forming any form of emotional attachment to human. ("sigh")

26th Dec: TVB Drama marathon. Not a great drama though, or maybe I'm already overly tuned to the English side. MY GOD!! that can't be good news!!

27th Dec: More Drama on the DVD player...

28Th Dec: as before.... maybe by this time, we're on the 2nd drama serial. I don't know for sure -.-"

29th DEc: Finally, a "the end" on portable dramas on dvds. You cannot imagine my relief to return to my itunes playlist. Only to be interrupted at ungodly 12pm to wake up. Warning to all, please don't do that again, I might kick or punch the offender for god sake!!! Movie Marathon - technically yesterday.
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Oh... damn it.. I'm really turning this to a report. The magic's lost. I hate to think that I'm just emptying my brain of words while punching my addictively-nice keyboard. ]It only means I've got to stop. Alot to sleep on tonight.

1. When-ever I'm going to get to cleaning my room?
2. Finalizing my resolutions: maybe I shall have a Yes-day?
3. Yes or No to life. That seemingly ridiculous count-down party on YiXian's place?
4. My finance budgeting for 2009, I splurged too much on soap of the late, clearly....
5. my mobile phone????
6. College tuition fee.ee.e

AHHHHHHH.... most of which most be decided upon in 1 day. Oh dear! It seems I must really be careful of what I wish for the new year seemed to crept up on me suddenly. Still, I want school to start. EVEN with the dreadful 5 day timetable.

AND no more putting off the living the truth book. I shall finish it before I get back to college. Some things I need to put behind, no matter how painful. Some things I need to see through.. like my meeting with M and Y tomorrow... You'll read about that, soon. It's a promise(though I better watch my promises to keep them) I'll be reading till then....
Sometime soon, jeanie

Song on my playlist: Ruin, The Pierces
This, is the end of us
You will never hear my voice again
You, are ridiculous
With your imaginary friends

All that I want
Is for you to come to ruin
All that I want
Is for you to come to ruin
Ohh, All that I want
Is for you to come crawling back

This, is the end of us
And everything you said we'd be
And, all the love I bring
I will be taking home with you

I do not want
For you to be happy
I do not want
For you to be happy
All that I want
Is for you to come crawling back

Breaking into pieces... It would seem than habit is monstrous thing. For me, my biggest habit is to completely ignore all my efforts to make routine a habit. And despite all efforts to make my entries a daily routine, just a series of books, a Christmas day would be more then enough to admit a 5 day break.

I'm back in my own room now.
I just bought the Twilight OST on itunes.
In just a while ago, finished the second book of the Twilight saga: The New Moon.

I conclude that i must have in some part of my bodily make up, an obsessive compulsion gene.

So as this entry progresses, my ears will be listening to the hopefully beautiful tunes of my newly added possession of my digital library.

Yesterday - monday, I should put it, was a solitary day. Something I'll have to admit is more than welcoming after the many days i spent in company. I do not detest company, nor am I in Bella's words: one who enjoy suffering in silence sort. But the crowding of company does get to me in unsettling my control and grounding.

Breakfast was a bountiful of dreams as usual, though they are seemingly too flitting to commit to memory. Lunch was thai, pretty authentic enough to justify the troubles it gave my stomach for that particular meal.

Clearly last weeks's sociability was taking the toil on me as I was too eager to be left alone with my ipod and newly downloaded music. Conveniently I forgot to visit the bank at Funan, which was the sole purpose of my lunch with Jasmine in the first place.

The opportunity cost( if I am even using that word right) of that blunder was a 1 hour wait in line at the clearly crowding bank at Takashimaya instead. But alone without anyone to speak to, I enjoyed my music and the only e-book I had on my ipod - Iliad, which was too heavy reading for today's liking.

Then closely followed by my 20 mins wait in queue to pay for my 2 books of the Twilight saga: New moon(2nd) and Breaking dawn(3rd). But if you knew me as you should by now,you'll know that the missing 3rd book was by choice. If they didn't run out of stock of The Eclipse(3rd), -- which baffles me how a big running bookstore like them will allow such an atrocity to occur, I will probably be instead reading that book in bed, as opposed to blogging now. This act against my best desire, is probably why this entry is drrraaagging.. (though I really wouldn't want subconsciously- or not to associate blogging as an obligation, where's the fun in that?)..

I then didn't really go to the Sony Ericsson service center, if you need to know the truth, I so insistent on telling. I went there physically if you ask me, just not to complete the purpose of my visit there, anyway.

I did however, visit the object of my desire and cause of my part-agony: the 50% off DKNY bag I covet. But apart from the extremely expensive cost EVEN AFTER the discount; my experience with the Sarah Jessica Parker Perfume, also so fatefully named COVET, taught me a little that all that's coveted may not necessary be good for me.
So I'm putting it under my pillow for now to sleep on the decision. I'm sure abstinence and a little rational thought is good for the new year to come. (Like I'm trying like all the nights before to attribute the sudden movement to open and close my door to the forces of the wind, so it won't freak me out to carry everything to Jasmine's room for another night of bunking in.)
And I also did visit the Esprit store to Jasmine's favor, found her a suitable, hopefully she really did like bag for school in 5 Jan. (Repaying my debt in money terms to her, almost to full)

There isn't much activity after that, only me, My the new moon book, the bed and some pretty intense reading. I'm actively trying to remember that the twilight is actually young adult fiction. Reminding myself that it's demeaning to think that I how much I enjoy the books. Though to the true purpose of this blog, I will admit that the contents awaken long slumbering yearning and some spots of weakness I thought better of myself, than to have.

I did to my credit, brought my baby tong out for an hour long of walk and run. Something definitely good for both him and me.

Sidetracking, it weird to have opera from the soundtrack playing from my speakers.

But it's oddly not unpleasing. In any case, this year have been more, eons more than odd already. Since for once I look forward to the new year. I think actually CAN'T WAIT would be a better expression. And I can't wait for the school term to start on the 5th, and I think the fact that gossip girl is returning on that wonderful day is only a minute fraction of the reason.

Hopefully this excitement and positivity brings new beginnings, real ones that will free me once and for all. I imagine next year will be the real fight for my identity and reality.
Meanwhile I find this two last weeks to the next BIG step of the new year, painfully slow. Almost like sitting through the rolling credits of a movie, while its flashing black and white, you're waiting and somehow questioning the reason you're on the chair instead of doing something else.

But while I wait, there much to be done, first up Christmas dinner grocery shopping tomorrow, finding a copy of Ellipse to buy, returning my library loans, cleaning my room, getting to pay for my next sem's fees, searching that french class schedule, blah blah... To get everything in perfect order to prepare for war with my inner demons, and also to debate over my too many resolutions and to stop procrastination to finish with the Living the Truth book.

Alright then, I nagging.. toasts and cheers to the Twilight series, which at this moment is my ultimate obsession. And till I figure what to do with that and my new found emotions...
/Sometimes soon, jeanie

Incredibly odd.. I find myself yawning crazily at 12.35 AM, while listening to my impossibly english playlist (in jasmine's room, which I un-intentionally evicted her from). All of which extremely out of character, if you knew me in person. Esp: if I told you that I only woke up at 1.45PM.

It was a quiet and peaceful sunday, uneventful for ME. Probably the same for Jasmine, until her computer in digital terms, combusted into nothingness. IT must be her special Jupiter-ian powers to END computers like that.

But in anycase, my Sunday consisted of chinese drama re-runs, some 汤圆 in commemoration for 冬至 -- though all the purpose and past excitement for the event are lost in me. And more time with Tong, peppered again with unavoidable squabbles with dad(who always pushes the wrong button). But to my credit, I shall put it in my 09 resolutions to keep my temper in check. There was some non-existent conversations with granny, while I'm always absorbed into something else.

After the dramas I've watched so dutifully over the years, Twilight which I completed just last night ( and I absolutely have to finish the entire series to get it off my head). My one conclusion was, I was always in the wrong direction trying to live or act like the books, stories or dramas. They were too concise, with each word, act or scene refined to symbolise to propel the plot. That was afterall the stimulus for the birth of literature studies.

Life is rarely that saturated, more often filled with blanks or fillers that simply exists in routine. And this sunday, clearly one of those "filler" days, which in my point of view now: more of bliss than anything else.

I'm gonna lose myself in Art History and its Institution (which is due with its library mates tomorrow.... ), while thinking if I should get that Twilight OST from itunes, and debating if I should go out to grab the Twilight series books and to bank to clear my heavy debts. Quite abit to think about tonight. Till tomorrow then.
/Sometime again, jeanie

It was not a well-rested sleep. Not at all with my darling tong lying under my unnaturally curled legs, on a foreign bed in Jas's room and with a morning-long of nightmares.

Surprisingly, of my mid-length reading list, neither the horror fiction of Nora Roberts - The Pagan Stone nor Twilight was the primary trigger for turbulent emotions even in my sleep. I read approximately a chapter of Living the Truth, very powerful book in bringing back my long buried skeletons. More overwhelming than I could imagine, as the nightmares of before returned with a resolution this time. Let me tell you, I hope that the ending is symbolic of an end, at last.

I have always dreamed the act of flinging myself out of the window panes in my previous home of 12 storey. And, of course, the outcome was clear - Death, which at one point really seemed like a good idea. But most of the time, I felt suicidal but knew almost for a fact - I wouldn't die and it would be a threat more than any thing else. I really hated myself for that. But this time, even in the dream, the agrravation was real and I jumped. But then nothing changed much.

I never in reality or dream got my ideal funeral or the sobbing family scene. In a odd way, I actually think jumping to my death in my dreams meant I moved on. Like the pre-written jargon in the profile section, I went faraway from my sucidal past more into reality.

Would you say this is something positive? I'm still not optimistic, but more realistic, and still with unfulfilled wishes to live with.

I beginning to think that the only good thing about nightmares is the chance to wake up to something else. However, unpleasant to it was to wake up to loud conversations, random chattering - I still woke up, not too early at 1pm noon.

Waking up to the global warming- caused uncomfortably sunny december day. (though of course I never studied enough geography to know if that's truly the reason). Shopping and hotdogs for lunch, we shopped around like sisters should be. And again overspent into my non-existent savings - on a necessary luxury of bobbi-brown eyeliner. Putting me $75 in jasmine's debt again.

Family politics with the festive coming - again, though i have somehow become more of a spectator than participant. Christmas presents are almost completed with proper wrapping and ribbon-ing. I sincerely hope the presents will be well-received, not patronizingly. Though it's weirder than it should be but I'm overly settled into my immediate family. And like how I enjoy my limited 10 friends quota, I hope not to receive gifts, this christmas. Emotional ties and grattitude are definitely not in my best suit, and I hope more than anything to limit my fake smiles as I end the year.

Aunt Sandra, maybe sensed it and instead of regulatory presents, the nieces and nephews got a pretty good treat for dinner, this sat. Without the "adults", leaving parents and grandma behind, it was fun. But, not without awkward undertones and this time of the year, ALWAYS without fail reminds everyone in the family of Uncle Steven. In my detached and strange moments, I wonder how heartbreaking it is for A. Sandra this year. Not that in my passive nature, will I investigate this thought. Not even when I could guess the answer, will I do anything. Just not in my nature to meddle in affairs too deeply entwined with the heart.

Well, the day of activities ended in the bathroom with great LUSH shampoo, amazing bubbles from a solid bar, great soap and all. In me, I have a quiet yearning and calm excitement(if there was sucha thing) for the festive to past into the new year.

Into random surfing, some facebook probbing, and probably Twilight or the truth book. I probably put my black macbook, aside ... only to listen to the soft tunes of The Pierce (my recent english music craze).

Till tomorrow, a hopefully quiet sunday. /sometimes soon, jeanie

I love the new blog skin, the ready-made un-authored words of poetic jargon. But I think i just lost it. I'm gonna sleep on my new journal-ing idea, probably read a little of my Living the Truth book and sleep. If rested and well-spent. I'll see you tomorrow.
/sometime again, jeanie