there's something wrong with my internet but I'm still going to write this post , hoping that it is unaffected by the eccentricity of my computer's whim. Also because there's a lack of audience and people I can discuss what I have now in mind. Apparently, my future isn't that exciting or important.
After an over-hour long talk with my parents, (almost forcing them more than half the time to face the fact that yes, after everything life --- with my help has thrown my way - i'm trying give it my best for my latest pursuit and if I could study aboard. I would) Though I left the room knowing that they caught little of the things I said, as just I listened little of the things they preached, believed I'm on better grounds. Now I know that I have a budget of 150 000SGD to 180k max for my entire college career. I know for sure, it's not enough for a 4 year education in Brown or in any college in USA, without financial aid.
And the biggest problem I have now is to draw the line between positive thinking a.k.a optimism and the harshness of reality. I did a oracle reading, first thing I came home. The cards, now already familiar to me, came telling me that Brown (my question) would be possible with (1) Believe in yourself, (2) Very soon, (3) with practice.
I truly hope that that's true. Because in reality while the talk by the admission director nearly drove me to tears with the things that I wanted so badly, the people I spoke briefly with did too drive me with tears - of hopelessness that is. Of course, I am not an academic elite. No As. No A levels, No Bs either. No IBs...
MY itunes is playing now.... "my life is brilliant... my love is pure... i saw an angel of that i'm sure.... i won't lose some sleep on that, coz' i've got a plan..... you're beautiful.. you're beautiful, I saw your face in a crowded place. But I don't know what to do. Coz I'll never be with you. "
In all irony, yup. Brown's great. I've plan. But many, would think cause I'll never be in there.
The oracle card read - draw a cross over those who think or say that you'll not be successful, and use your action to prove them wrong. The power of positive thinking.
I will not regret I guess my path and state today, as I told Fanny in the cabbie, sometimes we have to be in all the wrong places to realize how wrong we've been all these while. While yesterday is lost indeed ( with bbqs, escapism and wii noises), I hope today and tomorrow remains in my hands and I'll sculpt it into something before I lose them to the infinity.
I'm little lost and disappointed tonight. This soul hangs, supported only by a truly grateful heart for friendships.
I'm very tired and weary now. This body presses on, driven only by a weaken will to wavering cause.
I'm probably going to sleep later. This sleep lingers, awaited by my IT website due tommorrow, and a vocab list, 4 SAT practises, a letter and thank you note to the admission director, a letter to the transport minister, another letter to NAC, Nadia, an email to Eilena to get designers, a curatorial brief for MOMENTS, my evaluation statement for the proposal. And if I could, I want to finish the The Elements of Style.
A listening ear or hug would be appreciated. Restful sleep would be nice. A time-turn would save my life...
the song ends: "but it's time to face the truth.. I will never be with you..." I hope not.
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