The butterfly effect

一隻蝴蝶在巴西扇動翅膀會在德克薩斯引起龍捲風嗎？

I'm afraid and in panic. But all that does not explain why I'm on my bed typing this entry, instead of dealing with the many lists and list of to-dos and must-dos....

The entire day went by, I must have closed my eyes. If I didn't, why don't I remember how the day was wasted?

It must be that moment of weakness, a wrong decision on friday like the flapping of the butterfly, causing a whole tornado in my life.

I'm seeking shelter and i'm fighting on...
A complete paradox and utterly self-contradictory.. once again the story of my life....

失望，有时候也是一种幸福，因为有所期待所以才会失望。

因为有爱，才会有期待，所以纵使失望，也是一种幸福，虽然这种幸福有点痛。

Theme songs for the remaining of the year.. coming..

1. 够爱 － Theme of Courage for love and for fighting for all else that matters
世界一直一直变 地球不停的转动 在你的时空
我从未退缩懦弱

2. 泪了 - Theme of leaving behind, keeping only the good stuff
有过的快乐 我都记得
回忆还旋转着 爱怎么停了 我们都累了
泪光在闪烁 而我的眼泪忍住 不敢坠落

3. 终极三国 － Theme of willful insistence and determination. I know my way now.
直到最后一刻绝不后退
泪水纷飞 也不能模糊我视线

Am very irritable. Yet, still quite happy, or maybe more correctly: centered.

I kept snapping at people at home of the late (well actually just yesterday and today), because too much time and energy spent at school, saps the hell of life out of me. Yes, being agreeable when all alarm bells are screeching at the back of your head does that to you. Hugs and sorries to the people who will probably never read this apology. But i'm sending vibrations over ... - - -

In anyways, like what i sms-ed syl: my stress is going internal and my body swings AGAIN between diarrhea and well, the other extreme end.

Though I deserve Brownie points on that.
I was sick (well quite sick, thinking back) today after lunch. But unlike some other "whom i shall not name 1", I did not leave the class with excuses or what-so-ever. I stayed till the end of the day and tolerated class IN THE SAME ROOM, WITH THE SAME PEOPLE, for a total of 6 plus plus hours.

All these while reciting, when I'm conscious of it, my mental rituals of Worthy-ness, Courage, and the infamous "I LOVE MYSELF"

I feel centered and shamelessly loving towards myself today. But, while basking in that light, I stand in complete horrification that I am named the group leader of the project, with "whom i shall not name 1,2,3" who are terribly conceited and disorganized at best, hopeless and irresponsible at worst.
Then again, if the universe decrees it to be, so shall i be. From another view, why should i insist on being 诸葛亮, when I could be 曹操?

That's quite a good thought, but I know the deadlines won't be laughing with me.. if I don't pull up all my shoelaces (not that any of my shoes have them) and run when studying for everything.

I'm now waiting for dinner, for my work to be done AND for friday. TGIGF... thank god it's going to FRIDAY... and my XXXX will be out to fuel my cause.

To Do List for the weekend:
1. Read up on Art Theory stuff (shall do so while waiting for dinner)
2. Accounting Lecture and Tutorial Qn (Catch up on missed info < - wass zzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZ)
3. Do up Project Cal and brief freaking WISNNs on their work (and learn to hound for stuff like loansharks, should consult jojo on that one)
4. Finish all MATHS concepts and at least 4 more chapters of workbk
5. Read and start on "Cambridge Grammer of English" (Very much needed)
6. Plan deadline and General work schedule
7. (Let's hope it stops here)

ps: note to self to remember 3 theme songs of the remaining year. (See next post)

Random

Private Moon by Leonid Tishkov

别人说外国的月亮比较圆。
我不懂得怎么认同。
只是，好想拥有自己的月亮。

the limits of boredom... or more accurately the limits of the stupid and foolish things I do in passing time.

I have finally succumbed to the evils of my 14 day diarrhea and went to the docs. Armed with a lot more med (considerable improvement over my usual charcoal and 寶戟丸 routine） and a jab to my butt, my living conditions have improved. At least, my appetite's getting better, and meal intake has increase to normality. I conclude that my losing weight scheme shall limit itself to exercise only.

Speaking of which, I have not exercised much in the much past weeks, nothing new. But as 七月approaches - walks with tong will be reduced and I keep wondering if there's any thing 'pan-dang' about swimming in the seventh month....

Sighs, as for work. It NEVER reduces. And honestly, I won't be shocked or surprised to hear that instead of the.... (See below) the programming peeps decide to SUDDENLY add more projects or classes.

1 Aesthetics Thesis, 1 FuLL fLEDGE planning exhibition, 1 Research paper or prep (whatever they call it, it's still 2500 words), 1 practical attachment with (from today forth, increasing in length at their whim and wham), 1 accounting test (in wk 7), 2 reports (Each 2000words) for attachment, Unknown scale of IT DESIGN project..... almost forgot, virtual museum design

Enough of sarcasm and finger-pointing, work must still be done, the show must go on.. I just hope that I have enough supply of rosemary concentration essential oil to channel my scatter energies into all the above... in time for the deadlines.

I'm proud though of myself for the little step I've taken to be a better person. Winning my first "to go or not to go" mental battle this morning.
"to go to school or to NOT go to school". the answer is to sleep and see doc AND "go to school" AND "make up the missed class".
The minor problem that killed my elation over this betterment - the terrible and very much meaningless 35 min lesson, which was purported to be 2 hours.

Nevermind about that now. I have 1 1/2 day to work through some of the workload. And hopefully only a little of it will be spent on testing the limits of wasting time with XXXX searches (that looks so wrong... ^^)

Till then... jeanie

Keep Trying...

I keep trying to find a way to string my thoughts into words. But of I kept failing, my voice of reason and communication (though, since when did I have that?) has escaped and seem to not want to come back.

Read the past entries in VARIOUS previous blogs to get back the same feeling of writing once more. But nothing. NOTHING indeed. But like the giving birth process which is always unpleasant and sometimes (only) unproductive.

I'm going to force it. With bad grammar, vocab, maths and little recolllection of chemistry, lit and accounting.

Not that I've been working hard (well not that i've been working). Woke up to 14.04 today, and well till now. Kept going through shows, previews and all that crappy funny stuff on youtube.

Laughing is good for the soul, but just bad for the schedule. So I need to get to the "See Img 1" (Self explanatory) and on my to-do list.
[On my desktop stickies]
To dos:
- Accounting Homework:
- Record ideas about the PVA project.
- Write exhibition brief
- think about thesis topic/subject

And I need to eat, more than a meal a day. So i'm having dinner with van and wym. and I missed (as in did not do) swimming and mediation and walking tong.

And I don't have a clue why i'm typing this out. It's interesting though, knowing that my brain is simply processing the facts, not mixing them with the clouds of acidic fumes of emotions under the beaker.

Death to the slacker, the TV obessed, the bedroom singer, the self-deceived. And rebirth to the slave-driven, the tireless worker and to the invisble hand that smacks me the next time - i reach for my mouse and clicks on youtube, baidu or even type the forbidden words XXXX. ^^

till next time, jeanie