Technically Day 4. But not quite.

Problems that "are", will sooner or later become "were". A change of tense that come with resolution or new recognition.

MY problems of yesterday like my uncooperative LAN internet, is resolved and LAN is now happily working OT at 1:18AM as I sit on the bed typing. So hopefully, apple will one day come to terms with Microsoft Exchange and allow me to push my HKU Mails on my god-sent Iphone.

Also proving this theory, I have my other problem that is now showing signs of clearing up. At least, clear enough for me to vocalize and describe my feelings of apprehension left over from Day 2's dinner and meetup. (Contrary to mum and dad's point of view: the people were nice enough and I was NOT socially inept)

For more elaboration, please see the below excerpt from a publicity email for a Freshmen Seminar, sent from the school's Welfare Council.

In this seminar, you will get the “right” information from the “right people” (our panel speakers). Their views and advice will definitely help you formulate your own answers to the following “frequently asked questions” by new students:

- When and how can I get connected to the HKU Family, especially prominent alumni?
- How will the HKU network be beneficial to my personal, academic and career life?
- How can I expand my social circle if I do not live in Hall?
- Most of my high school classmates go to different universities. I feel isolated and lonely at HKU. What can I do?
- What is “HKU persona”? What is the typical and ideal “HKU student”?

Having read the mailer, I finally found the perfect way to explain and clarify my feelings towards the HKU students and general climate in the school. Because seriously, the most FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION is how to connect to prominent alumni? How to network? And only the last 2 questions sounds familiarly normal.

Maybe Mr M.M. is right about Singaporeans being complacent. In Sg, I used to hear that it is okay to not know every driving motivation towards the actions we take. Even about major things like University Majors. And for those who are "over"-achieving (not that it's bad from where I stand) and do know, we/they're always sneaky about vested interests. NEVER SO blatantly direct.

It seems I have come to the capital of pragmatism to learn how to lead a "in the moment" life.

Culture Shock aside, my new life have passed me my toughest test yet, as I learn to live within a isolating social environment (rejected by the locals in hall and invisible to my fellow floormates from the neighboring dragon state) AND share my space in the shoebox with my KOREAN roommate (which I will refer to from now as KR) whom I finally met after all that mystery.

Things could be alot worst. I could have a partying Caucasian OR be stuck with a half-neurotic P**. At least for that, there's cause for relieve.

On first impression, (not counting the awkwardly friendly return note from KR - which might have brought my hopes for a friend a little too high up) my roomie seems to be a unassuming, quiet, small korean town character. She's neat, probably good in maths (an accounts major) and definitely more academic than bimbotic (though she wears a floral wedge as a room slipper). But she has 2 other high school mates in HKU too, too high a statistic for a small town high school. And her English, too good for regular koreans, no matter how hard one can possibly work. So I'm still holding my opinions for now.

Another homework, to readjust and remember that social interactions is about statistics too. Not every one results in success. This on top of planning my next 3 (hopefully de-parents) days.

More shopping - more grocery and daily use than anything. Banking. And hopefully, i'll further the links set in place on Day 2 with the local seniors of the induction thingy. Shopping with seniors, that for sure will be a new experience.

I'll keep you posted.

Day 3.

People in hall are up early. And "HO"-ing downstairs, outside my window. Apparently I live in a hall with quite a reputation. People often (sample size: 4) mention it with this unmistakable tone of distaste.

Meeting Mum and Dad at the temple to pray for divine assistance. Yesterday's meeting (will elaborate, when I can) have convinced that I will need all I can.

Came back super shagged yesterday, and was in a complete zombie-fied state and didn't skype back home. I miss everyone already. This is a definitely one of those melancholy moments.

Gotta go now. Shall catch back soon.

ps: I have a mysterious roomie that I've not seen yet. But by my amazing skills of deduction, I think she's korean.

Day 1/2

I pulled off my eye mask (like blair waldorf would), this morning of day 2 in HK -U to a bright sunny morning that would have been repulsive at 6.18am back home. My new shockproof (in case it take battering for the dangerous job of waking me up) alarm clock reads 6.45am, after about 15 mins of struggling to get back in bed, so I gave up and washed up.

Starting my first morning routine of Vit C drink, with Vit B and Whatever Gd Bacteria you need for weak tummies like mine, Ginseng and in case I needed a hot pick me up: Ginseng Oolong Tea.

Today is separated from yesterday, from a mere 3.5 hours of sleep. Yet not even the sheer lack of rest can stop me from sinking into the quiet bliss of my "single" room left to me by my unarrived roomie.

You can't rain on my parade.

There's a certain glitz and glam appeal of 流浪ing, or 遠渡重洋... But even if I only did cross a section of the South China Seas, which doesn't quite fit the bill of 遠渡 OR重洋, I never did once regret giving up Newcastle (which equates to Holiday land to me) for HK (which equates to Shoe-boxes of Capitalism).

Yes, not once.
Not even when for the 7th time, Daddy and Mummy interrupted my 情緒 on the plane.
Or when they called for the 4 time in 3 hours to check in on me.
Or when I got lost the 3rd time in 2 hours.
Or when I walked 15 mins in the opposite direction of the hall from school (which should have been a 5 mins walk)
Or when I went back to the Arts Faculty Office and realized that SAME GUY (the one who 'escorted' me out of the office just 4 mths ago) is still as unfriendly and rude.
Or when I entered my room which was a qualifying sauna and didn't have aircon till after dinner.
Or when I realized the wardrobe is the 1/4 the size of mine back home. and room reminds me of a shoebox.
Or when I met my temp neighbors, who knocked on my doors to ask for a favor - take pictures of them. Then never reciprocated my efforts of polite conversations.
Or when they barred my dad from visiting the hall - because hall regulations state: NO MALE VISITORS ON WEEKDAYS.
Or when I had so much trouble understanding the Auntie downstairs who bar people from entering the building
Or even when I was soo stressed I could scream because the internet refuses to work and you have course selection pending.
Or when I missed Tong so much, now. Even as I type this entry.

Because, there's just so much more that makes me glow with happiness.
1) Because, I'm going to find myself now. (Like in the Hollywood Movies - Take that for glitz) The choices I made till now tell me who I was, but for some reason. This new chance is like a new blog entry. So "I" have yet to be defined.

2) Because, I wanted and worked hard for this. And that should be self-explanatory. I should have realized this earlier, hopefully its not too late to now. But the only other thing that gives me such joy is Tong, which I wanted and worked hard to make things work too. (Even if I do know, he prefers his mummy to me anyday or time)

3) Because, it's so near and Daddy & Mummy know the language - so they can be here with me. And there will always be moments that home and family comforts you. Like when you have a great seafood dinner, or when your mum buys you, the hairdryer, alarm clock, dinnerware, and stuff cause she's worried, saves you your allowance. And even when they come to your room and scolds you for 嫌棄ing the room and then invites you to stay with her in the HYATT REGENCY. (I refused btw)

4) Because, I have for the past 1 day and (I intend to today and from now forth) be myself and cheer at everything you want to cheer at and simply be very yourself. As emo as I want to, as expressive, or even in the very BIMBO times.

5) Because, the Hall O camp I heard from my first HK friend (only one in hall now) confiscates your handphone and prohibits internet. So I cannot be more glad to be a non-canto speaker and can skip it:)

6) Because, I had help (SMILES) yesterday in getting around campus.

6) Because, I can go shopping today. at Tsim Tsai Tsui


You get the point. Till later then. It's only the beginning of Day 2.

i wanted to blog today... but it's real late.. so maybe tomorrow:)

Disillusionment

Disillusioned.
Random pickings on the recent happenings.
Just enough, just in time.
Before I take flight.
To who I am?

I probably, can never be the detached, gone with the wind person.
I visualized to be since ten.

Too emotionally in it. To Be.

Hell with it.

Happiness?

Dear Friends,

I'll been having a long blog barren period. My mind and emotions are currently not in fast correspondence. (and you've probably noticed that I blog in bursts of emotions and random thoughts instead of occurrences)

About 3 months ago, I told myself, i would write this summer. I wanted to. So certain that I would create animate characters in a world where I played god. A dash of hope, some brewing love, yet all simmered on the flames of reality with inevitable pain.

Little less than 100 days passed. Yet not a single word document was opened, not a single word written, not figment of story invented in my head. Maybe I didn't know what to write? Or I didn't like to play god, considering my history of leaving decisions to circumstances and placing myself at life's full mercy, I would think the latter - a larger part of the reason.

Like a pendulum at rest in sync with Newton's first law. I have forsaken the extremes ends of emotional scale, remaining very still in my cloud of constant confoundment. Days went on, starting with long slumber ending with an even longer slumber. Activities like an occasional walk, vaccinations, correspondences were kept at the bare necessities.

In tandem with experimenting with the new philosophy of objectivism, spurts of emotions like sadness, anger, fear, anxieties were rationalized and put aside to do the logical and the healthy.

It helped, for survival and to get along. Yet, as I now click on every alphabet on my black mac keypad, I can't avoid that ominous tone that loomed over every single word in the past paragraphs.

Perhaps you're tired Of listening to my whines and conflicting struggles? But I think that repressed part of me, resented the necessary and the calm front that hides the vortex within. Fann was right, I was a rebel, I enjoyed my vices that formed my life's self-defeating patterns.

If change was good and 'right', and by all possible means I tried to change in a healthy direction. Is the answer to happiness, then, a simple, no-expectations living? Which would lead to another question: 'simple' by WHOSE standards?
Most people I know, would reply to this and say by my-your own standards. (Which often seemed to me a insincere way refuting to give advice in fear of responsibility issues. OR is that just ME? Because that's exactly what I'll do)

And a paradox it may seem, because my standards (for now) would be never simple. I wouldn't say wanting is bad, though it does hurts a great deal more than settling.

Or maybe the happiest people are those that don't think about happiness, or unhappiness for that matter. But that knowledge of that is like telling a HIV carrier, there will be a cure for AIDS in the future, just most possibly after you die. I'm not quite sure if it helps me just yet.

Just as for the question of love? of Ethics - Good and Bad? Happiness are things I ponder heavily on these days... I can almost hear myself giving me the advice (since I have very little company these days - I talking alot to Jeanie these days). Don't think about them so much, live life and find your answers in them.

But the only thing I agree wholeheartedly with Ayn Rand (the philosopher) is that most people I see who take that approach - DRIFT [FULLSTOP]. One of the few things I know for sure is I don't want to DRIFT. Though it does seems that all I do these days.

And looking at my friends again, I wonder sometimes in weak moments that maybe both me and Rand are wrong.

J

I'm in a stage where I'm angry, lost and alone.

Sometimes I'll look around and listen, screaming in my head with angst and frustration at everyone speaking, looking or just being around me.

There is sometime wrong. With me, with life, like vague nagging white sound in the background. I cannot name it. But recently I've been trying to choose confrontation over avoidance and search for answers.

Yet, I think that I'm not ready for the them. I cannot I love myself at this point. Special isn't an acceptable adjective. I am a childish, idealistic, delusional, immature child who believes she fools the world, by blinding her eyes to the truth.

The truth.