I'm getting use to watching the sun come up from my windows these days. I'm very awake and "est tres tranquil" at this time.

Everything in its time, seems like a far too ancient thing for me to say. But facing the blank state of my current life (you can pretty much figure out, how active I've been by how frequent the posts are. So since my prev post was since my first canto test and my 2nd one's upcoming next week, it's clear that Jeanie, here, have been sitting out on life once more).

Anyways, I was saying.. my blank life. is well BLANK.

But the improvement is at least I work (a little), and I'm (slowly) embracing my POOR french and hatred for group work. And gradually easing into philosophy. I found this amazing chapter in a philo writing that's titled: It's Sunday night and I have a philosophy paper due Monday morning. See philosophers can have a good sense of humor and be VERY GROUNDED in reality.

I'm digressing. But actually, I pretty much have nothing else to say. Just like I have nothing to say to all my acquaintances. I'm working on that.

I did my oracle readings last weekend. And the same cards came up. For Love: apparently I still have too much baggage to start anything. I did a pretty accurate reading for my roomie too. Well, its good to know that I'm still connected there.

PS: Hkies ARE NUTS! They're having hall fest just one week before exams and submissions... So every night now I hide in the library or pretend i'm part of the furnishings in my room. Why did I think I'll ever fit in?

J

Letters to myself.

Dear Jeanie,

I cannot believe you missed your cantonese test today at 1pm. I'm sure we're both well aware of its 20% weightage and in view of everything your best shot of all the future assignments in this course for you to keep that C instead of a D. Yes, we are struggling to even maintain a C.

You could tell me that you fell asleep at 9.30am, with full intention to wake up 2 hours later for the final revision of the materials before the 1pm test. But you and I, both, know that you gave up long before you went to bed.

You gave up, so instead of spending the night hard at work memorizing the grammars of the language, you watch cycles after cycles of America's Next Top Model (none of which you remember now). You spent the time listening to the new Taylor Swift album, surfing through the meanings of the lyrics, when you should be focusing on the the meaning of Cantonese.

Subconsciously, you made the test too insignificant to register. And you can't even plead first-time offense. Because you've done it before. In Sec School. In Lasalle. When you simply can't or well, didn't study for the papers, you damn well know is important. So you sleep, hide, pop pills, whatever allows you runaway from being a responsible person. Then, you waste good, hard-earn money to bluff a MC and get away.

But you know what. You're 21 now. And away in HK.
I did not bring you here just for the grades, we could that anywhere.
I brought you here for a fresh start, and to learn from scratch how to be a person. GOOD person.

I'm sorry you have to learn this at 21. But, we're not going to the doctors' this time.
We're not lying to the teachers. I wanted to let you suffer by losing those grades (and possible fail this course. Yes, I am that serious)

But Kahee is right, I should grovel. Grovelling will be the perfect punishment that will stick in your muddy little nuthead and deter future incidents like this.

So you will grovel to the Cantonese lecture (who positively hates your guts) and without lies, ask for a second chance.

Do take care and follow the rules from now on. I do not wish to see another repeat incident. Just never give up. (And I've not even started on the Karate.)

Farewell for now. But I'll be watching..

Best. yourself. (better self)

I always thought whenever something comes up. Even if everyone's out of reach, I could type it out and share it. But this time, even that seems out of reach.

I would watch really old dramas from the past. And tear up, just suddenly.
I would work myself into exhaustion so when I hit the bed. I sleep, unable to think.
I would go shopping. And find out later that everything I bought was black.
1 black bag. 2 black dress. 1 black skirt. 1 black hairband. 1 black leggings.
I would put up a smile and tell people nice and optimistic things, especially when all I wanna do is hole up and scream.

Now you tell me what's wrong. Cause I wouldn't let myself figure.

I'm officially 21.
meaning I can drink in virtually every country in the world LEGALLY. Drive (with a license that is). and Gamble (if you're into that kinda stuff).

And I had a great week. Suffering through abortion english drafts, and canto recordings. Great meals with KR and pals, sad meals alone. And with daddy and mummy, whom quarreled minimally this time (To my greatest joy). With extravagant meals (I REALLY MEAN IT), my virgin casino gamble and presies. (i'll post pics someday)

As for my 3 magical wishes:

One) I want to remember and carry that purposefulness, and hopefully passion, I found when I came to HK for the nexr 5 years of my life - at least.

Two) To work on that special someone. after I work on me.

Three) I'm saving for the day if the special someone or my purpose fails.

Goodbye 20 yrs old. Hello 21. and Hello my work, it's time I faced the music.

This one is for you. Ms Jasmine Poh Jing Jing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! While I can't be there in person. I wanna just let you know that I'm real glad you're turning 23. (Because you're always older than me)

And that THANKS for being there for me for the past 23 years. ME and the WHOLE WORLD are happier with you here. :))

On my way to recovery, well except my little finger that got squash by the door. Ironically, because its too light unlike all the other doors in hk. So I used too much strength to open it, and my finger got caught between it and the adjacent wall. OUCH! Trust me, it hurts. ALOT.

So since i can't type much. I'll just you know that. I didn't do well in my PHIL 1001 test - not to push the blame around but the lecturer was 20 mins late. So we had 40 mins ONLY to do the 5 short (not really) answer question and 1 50 marks essay. But after its over, the relief that came over was, just really RELIEVING.

And so I went to LKF - I thought at some point that should bring me out of my hikikomori-ness. But, I didn't have fun. And I almost bit the tongue off some guy who claimed I looked like his ex. Then, I had a epiphany. It wasn't LKF. Maybe, partly, it was the heady combination of freedom and alot of alcohol. But, mostly it was me. The sense of purpose I had. To even purposefully have fun and let go. That's the Jeanie, I am.

So, watch out world. I'm back.

P.ps: I'm still unsure, however. If the entire emo episode was caused by the pre-test stress or really just me. I would worry, if i'm not in my happy bubble.

Ps: Why is this post written on a Saturday 6.07am?? Because I had too much red wine and sake last night... That kinda overdose is keeping me high and awake :( Because my renewed purpose, brought me out to drinks and dinner with Florence and co. (girlfriend of 家佑, whom is a family friend.) I normally wouldn't have went. Considering the generation gap that they are Gen X, me Gen Y. But, I did. It surprised me that I had fun. Quite a bit of it. I like it when life surprise me. People as well. I'm invited to join them (Generation X people) to go yacht-ing (yes, that's how rich bankers in hk are) today. So I hope my adventurism will still be here after my nap. AND no matter the case, I'm just glad to say that my Canto improved LOADS. (I can finally put sentences together, albeit slowly. But, still.

Almost nothing has happened since the last post. And I haven't left my hall for the past 30 hours. And that includes not going to class, YES. including not going to my favorite, Global Ethics Class. I made that decision, half-conscious on my bed. And since my return, let's just say the past habit of missing class followed me back here. So that's not the first class I missed. Tomorrow's my first philosophy test, and most of my time is still divided between being hungry, sleeping, watching charmed and the occasional studying (very occasional).

And my roommate diagnosed my symptoms as Hikikomori. Wiki says it to be acute social withdrawal. Great. But i'm working on it.

Trying to remember why I'm here. Tap into that power of new beginnings and find that HK "Jeanie", one different and much more driven than SG "Jeanie", who is parasitic.

I've read my first blog post on Day 2 HK. Remember how it is to want and to work.