Annoyance is burning out a hole in my body right now.

Though I sit stagnant on my bed, I want to run around the house, to jump on my bed, to scream out of the window, to tear and destroy, to thrash somebody, to take it out on myself.

Restless-ness, becomes the state of consciousness that has plagued me for the past days. Every little matter seems to irritate me to my core.

With the slightest matters, like my poorly managed finances. With little funding (not that I truly think I deserve it), and worst of all, my ill-habits of splurging and impulse buys and unsatisfying desires.
I would like to blame it on the bad economy, on Dad for not increasing my finances, on my almost depleted bank balance. But deeper within, I know it's me. MY lack of control and inability to spend as my budgets decreed that creates the angst and annoyance. One failed attempt, after a whole month. Not exactly the beginning, I excepted of this year.

But of course, I refuse to be upset by that.

Then, there are social obligations. I hate that, that 'o' word is my word of choice. But, it's true. Old friends are back, though I always doubted if the word "friend" would apply to my feelings towards these people who seem to treat me as one. Ungrateful? Or just unreceptive? I have no idea, but the call I received from that particular male friend, annoyed and stressed me over the brim. I don't want to meet. Don't want to talk, don't want to lie, don't want to patronize or pretend any interest. But, of course, I will be polite and "nice" as always, leading people to the wrong conclusion, not that I blame them. I hate that.

Another failed attempt at that, two actually. 1. Failing to act as 'hell with your opinions'. 2. Failing to be less anti-social... or at least, learning to not STRESS over social encounters.

I hate failures. Those are NOT supposed to be happening to me this year. Again, I refuse to be upset, not when I have deadlines on Wk7. A class who IS/ ARE/ HAVE BEEN seriously under-estimated by my ego. Grades to be remedied. A life to start living.

Refusal don't sit well with me, you know. Refusal leads to restlessness, which leads to distractions. I cut my hair on Saturday, not a drastic cut. Also, not a good move or a good cut either.I now look hatefully 'cute', if you actually want a positive word for that. Distractions also came in the form of bad movies, like Inkheart. And re-runs like Charmed, and romance novels - i read umpteen times.

Not good at all for the bigger picture, which I am clearly missing. No progress on the essays. And I've been having a headache since like forever. Tempting me to the red-bulls and panodols.

I don't even know if I could go MIA on those 'friends' again. There's only that many second chances you have, and I don't think I deserve any. Nor, do I want to regret this, of not changing myself or the way things are. It's a paradox, I can't tell if what I want is what I need.

Janauary. I'm trying to break quite alot of habits from the past. The subconscious awakening to a better 'good' The coward trying to be brave.

And all in all, I'm trying to be responsible for the first time in my life. And I know all changes and revolutions are not smooth-sailing activities. But this month, I tried, tired, and failed in suffering, as cowardly as possible.

I'm ranting, Till again then.

Sometimes, jeanie