No reason to be happy or sad for that matter.
It's like listening to song, the lyrics begin sad then slowly transformed itself into another. Today, I include the lyrics of the song as part of my entry - speaking for me, some things that simply cannot be verbally taken out.

Circles by Colbie Caillat
I was running in circles
Was only a matter of time
Before I found myself drowning in troubled lies
Was starring back at what I´d seen for a long, long time
How did I break it?
How did I clear my mind?

I was hiding in places I knew nobody could find
Until I found myself spinning in rewind
Was starring back at what I´d seen for a long, long time
I had to break it
I had to clear my mind

Hard times that I like to forget about
So much I held inside
God let it out
It took a while to find it
But now I´m here and I can´t deny it

This feeling just gets better all the time
So beautiful in front of me that I can´t believe my eyes
I know it from move ahead time is one my side
I´m free from the circle
There´ll be no regrets this time.

Going back and attempting to sync my past with now who I become. With the every episode I see, years back, reminding me of what was, what touched me, drives me, and stops me.

Though, I may never chant rhyme of magical happenings or be able to cast spells that bring my past and future before my eyes. I have learned one thing from every setback and assistance I have had - I won't let regrets hold me back.

With my studies, its easier to do that. But for other parts of life, I do see the water freezing like my time and decisions crystallizing into regrets, I may not let go in the future. But I don't ever want to become someone bitter and mean. I want to be able to learn to die for certain things, to have things worthy of that.

It's not easy to do that -especially when my upbringing stands entirely against that, but I will try, not for happiness or unhappiness. Just for me and myself.
was surfing last night, escaping from the dreaded conclusion and recommendation section I had to write. I went from international internship search to global volunteer program search to travel plans.

Then I realize that I was uniquely different from my upbringing. I'm actually not the kind of people that live to work (that's why all these years, it never worked out that way), I would like to think that I'm also not the sort of talk the living, then work for nothing. (Hard to believe now, but I hope the future will lend a hand to prove this right)

I will actually find that thing I love to do. To devote my time to more than taking home the bacon, the money for LVs. And until I find that, I will just keep searching.

I somehow think that Mum and Dad and everybody I know is wrong.
Giving up and trying again is not wrong. It's simply the process, I'm just that kind of person. Maybe it's called irresponsibility for others, but it seems also like a way of life for me. And I am finally going to stop (or at least try to) grow up and stop living by daddy and mummy's standard of right and wrong or anybody's standard for that matter. After all, I am living into the 2nd decade of my life. To take risks and make mistakes - and that's what landed me in this college in the first place. And somehow, despite how much I curse and swear, it seems right.

My new personal goal: to break down barriers and stereotypes - the world is huge. People are different. And much as I would like people understand my uniqueness, I would like to offer them the same benefit of doubt.

2nd new personal goal: To stay grounded. I know this is abstract - like every I say. But this means that I won't (will try to) get high and mighty. God forbid, we all know how easy my ego inflates and how the arts isn't the place where humble people are. But I'm going to try.

I see myself dreaming and chanting in abstraction again, I know I should live more instead of setting more goals and hoping to accomplish more. But taking french and fulfilling that one dream I held for all too long. Answered an ancient question for me - the one answer that really matters. To listen to myself. Besides, it's time I understand and accept that I'm a dreamer.

And sooner or later, I'll have the courage to reach out for that part of me. The part that is falling for love. and not in love. To question and find an answer for that, to stop living through the safety mirror of others. It will come.

Till then again. jeanie