Falling off the radar...

this post is one of those that has been hanging behind my head for a few days. And it gets less entertaining. Because, I'm not a entertainer afterall.

It seems that the only thing I do regularly these days is: my weekly visit to LFK - where I meet a variety (in forms, shapes and nationalities) of jerks, like those who ask you for your number on their upgraded iphone 3GS with their girlfriend as the background picture (tong's on mine :D). My lesson learnt: clubbing's way more fun when you're slightly 'gone'. There is less motivation for punching those scumbags around you. And if you still do feel like doing it, you'll probably not have the strength to.

Then I sang and sang in the Hong Kong version of Kbox (Neway - they have like 4 different colored membership card for you to choose), with CT. We were alone. Because I really didn't want to spend anymore time in MC's presence. (3 hours a week in Marketing and the upcoming project time should IS ALREADY way over my tolerance limit). Nico, the senior, was not free. [It's a general feeling that while CT leaves me depressed and drained. MC just makes me speechless and perpetually shivering in his weirdness.]

All that being said. My recent state of 'alone' (my roomie who's also always in the room, not counted that is) brings me to a certain revelation.

Eventually when the dust settles, I realize that I have not made enough 'friend's. Friends being those you can hang out with, without the air of awkwardness suffocating you. I have like great counter-examples. Eg. JH the korean dude, whom proves to be the best study partner I can have. To avoid conversation, I've practically buried my head in the books. From the corner of my eyes, I saw like the 7 times he wiped his Mac screen with his burberry hankie (once every time he leaves the table and to my dismay - comes back).

Somehow, joining the AISEC club (which give us global internship and exchange opportunities blah blah) don't quite appeal to me. I've been to the recruitment talk, where they compile a list of numbers and repeatedly throw them in your face over 2 hours. I left, not understanding what the org. does, at all. During the talk, I met this guy, Ross. a.k.a by me "G"ROSS! Someone who managed to throw himself in my space repeatedly over 2 hours. (very touchy AND UGLY) And with his terrible english, I could not understand what he spoke, nothing at all , after the 3 hour interaction we had. Well, maybe he's a perfect fit for AISEC.
I've been to their interview, where they ask you to discuss global poverty, compare freedom of speech in Singapore & PRC, each with 2 min time limits. Then, I've met this guy doing Business and Law, this one with good English, he acquired in his 1 year in UK where he did his A Levels. He said "the Hong Kong A Levels is insanely hard, so I go to UK". (There's like a second round 2 group hour interview. and 3rd round....)

All these, plus the loads of students from international schools (which charges 10 000 SGD per academic year), my perception of hk-ies is hollowing out. And everything starts look really empty. Like the soulless dance moves I see at LKF. [Though I'm not really complaining about having these intl school Hkie Brats in my groupwork. Like the practical hypocrite I am, Good English is always welcomed.]

And I've been missing my karate lessons which clashes with every other thing like interviews and mooncake hols.

My social circles are closing in and overlapping. People from Sg (I got to know more at the ASEAN Compulsory Gathering).

And finally the root of the problem. My delusional state. I keep telling people that I'm from the A Levels stream. AND THEN I got my diploma. Not quite the truth. Repeat that: NOT THE TRUTH. (Each time I tell people of my past, I drift further from the truth.) There's a certain irrational oppression I feel. Ok. I'm not even half as confident as I look.

I thought leaving Sg, would mean leaving that part of me behind. That inferior, irrational delusional part. But problems, like cancerous cells or equivalent past, don't go away because you've shifted to another country. Should have figured that one out, since Airline companies are obviously not making more money than the hospitals.

Officially EMO-ing. (More like contemplating the implications and solutions to my delusional and multiple sides of the false truth. But still)

It is becoming really hard to live outside of my mind. ESP when my 6 credits Philosophy class is about Descrates (at least the parts I agree with, being the non-GOD parts)'s theory that you don't know if your past is true. Because, the only thing you can be sure of is the thoughts that are in your mind now.

And in a escapism streak yesterday. I finished the whole 13 episodes of Dollhouse Season 2. Doll house - based on a theory that your brain can be reprogrammed into an entirely different person. We're talking muscle memory, personality, memory, beliefs, even glandular reactions.

And I woke up at 3 pm today. 6 hours after I woke, the sky, outside my window, fell into complete darkness that seems strange to my body perceptions.

The 'truth' seems like a intangible, fragile concept. I can't be certain.

I'm hiding for a while. See you back in SG.

~ Back to Global Ethics Tutorial Prep. French test on Thurs.