I'm gone. Find me now at http://threewishez.tumblr.com/

I'll be waiting.

Ps: i'll miss the tagboard and all your msg... but if you have anything to say to me abt my entries on my new tumblr.. Click on the "i" button and click on the ask me anything... I want to hear from you!

i love ur blog fanny!

i'm currently contemplating a move to tumblr. (pointed out by fanny dear: it's not a waterbottle.)
its outlook seems cooler (i'm shallow that way).
i'm thinking maybe for 2011.
i shall do 50-100 word entries daily.
i still owe you my 2011 resolutions.
way overdue.

Goodybye 2010. Hello 2011.

It's been a slow holidays. I've been at times, lost, disgruntled, and perplexed. And almost all these times. SICK. It begun with one fateful night of puking by the toilet bowl. But that's not going to be the point of my first post in 2011. And on a side note, ( though I was sick all the past 12 odd days and haven't done much out of my house on this sunny island) every time I look at Tong or hold his little paw, I'm just glad I came back.

And it is with this love in my heart that somehow I think I might be grown-up enough for more love in my life.

But first to keep my three year running ritual, I'm going to review my past year resolutions and the year itself:

I wanted COURAGE, which I gathered and started a new life in a not-so foreign country with.

I wanted LOVE, while distance (from family drama) made me love my family (ALOT) more. I still couldn't help but gather my heels and run whenever any emotion borders that big L word.

I wanted TRUTH. But somehow I always felt better living with lies and believing in my own deception. So yes, other than the stuff you read from this blog (which is probably encrypted anyways) don't believe what I say.

I wanted PURPOSE. Then I realize my purpose didn't matter as long as I had a LIFE, which is a work-in-progress resolution.

Summing up 2010.

• I packed my things and went away to HK for my 3 year BA degree. I think I am going to major in Philosophy. But with me.. one can never tell..
• I graduated from LASALLE ( a.k.a HELL at some point, I doubted if I would make it out of there alive) with less than stunning grades. (Because I tended to miss exams and not submit my essays)
  
• I did a 8-day exhibition at Orchard Central. Kudos to me, I pretty much single-handedly did it. But truth be told, it had the worst possible aesthetics, loads of room for improvements and was a financial flop. Yes, that's my art mangerial debut that told me clearly to run far far away from this industry.
• I went to Taiwan with wenying and fanny. Our maiden friends-only trip together. We had fun. But it was really the quarrels that stuck in my head. Not entirely in a bad way, those were some words that had to come out from your best friends' heart that truly made the difference. I truly am WILFUL. I'm probably going to stay this way, but while it is not life-threatening. But I listened. And will try to change without losing jeanie along the way.
• I OD-ed on pills one fateful night. Bad habits die hard. This time, I went to the hospital, hand-cuffed.

Less major happennings:

• I picked up karate. While my violent tendercies really enjoyed the outlet, I clearly don't have the determination. And here's my official resignation to my eternal white belt. (FOR NOW)
• I learnt french for one semester. And when I (attempt) to speak french, you'll probably only hear mixed-up prepositions. But I'm trying.
• My 2 term papers are both approx 2-3 days late. To my greatest despair.
• I realize that I miss Tong the most when I'm away in HK.
• I bought way too many bags and clothes and honestly have budgetary issues I'm afraid to admit.
• I now have friends from many places in asia. and a pretty close korean roommate (though we do have our issues)
• I got extremely drunk this once in LFK and was a mess kissing strangers, before I was rescued by my korean roommate. And partyed quite a bit in my first term, then toned down to beer by the harbour in cool autumn air.
• I did two fortune readings (one in TW, the other in HK) and both said I had love come knocking in April/ May. Which was true. But the guy was truly worthless and I had bad taste. And in a sense, I'm glad I ran.
• Fortune says. The 2nd month this year. Love comes around again. I'm looking forward to it, but very wary and entirely helpless I admit.

And I almost forgot I turned 21 and had early celebrations with my lovelies at sentosa. And all of us went home with a burning souvenir. The actual day was a lonely one, but daddy and mummy did go to HK, days before, to shower me in extrangant meals and gifts.

That's it for 2010. I grew up alot in this year. My 2011 resolutions are still in-progress, but I have some ideas. Happy New Year!! Have a great 2011!

Love, J

Running out of steam and freezing.

借著故事中的悲劇，讓自己流淚。
但落幕了，眼眶中的濕氣卻還在。
原來，淚一直都是為自己流的。
跟別人說的話，一直也只是再重複的說服自己。
原來，我才是那個最不相信自己的人。

人離開後，天變冷了。
天氣不似預期。

Winter Hauls....

I'm supposed to be doing my prep for my ethnics paper... But I can't seem to stop myself from google-ing: "Camel Coats" or "Angora Sweaters"... or to stop running (2 steps) to my wardrobe and admiring my new winter hauls...Maybe Kahee was right when she said I'll be wearing Kiddo (the name of my NEW WHITE ANGORA THROW in the hall.... It's called kiddo, because it's like my baby lambskin I wear to cover my wolfish-ness.. but more simply, cause its high maintenance like a kid... (it sheds more than Tong does....)
Though HK don't have winter and is not even cold.... :( I'm hoping that the temps will start falling so I can wear my new coats out... Though I really swore I was going to get Cool Black coats.. I ended up with a Camel cute one, with a Little Prince cut.. Which I just realized now that I don't know how to match... and my trusty Pull and Bear leather jacket... (which i bought in sep.. but have not worn)

Anyways... my winter jacket collections!!!!!! and new bags.... (YES I SHOP WHEN I"M STRESSED) ps: the pink bucket baggie is my 21st b'day pressie from dad. (though i thought too that my lasik was supposed to be the pressie.. but who's really counting when i'm not complaining:))))

I'm getting use to watching the sun come up from my windows these days. I'm very awake and "est tres tranquil" at this time.

Everything in its time, seems like a far too ancient thing for me to say. But facing the blank state of my current life (you can pretty much figure out, how active I've been by how frequent the posts are. So since my prev post was since my first canto test and my 2nd one's upcoming next week, it's clear that Jeanie, here, have been sitting out on life once more).

Anyways, I was saying.. my blank life. is well BLANK.

But the improvement is at least I work (a little), and I'm (slowly) embracing my POOR french and hatred for group work. And gradually easing into philosophy. I found this amazing chapter in a philo writing that's titled: It's Sunday night and I have a philosophy paper due Monday morning. See philosophers can have a good sense of humor and be VERY GROUNDED in reality.

I'm digressing. But actually, I pretty much have nothing else to say. Just like I have nothing to say to all my acquaintances. I'm working on that.

I did my oracle readings last weekend. And the same cards came up. For Love: apparently I still have too much baggage to start anything. I did a pretty accurate reading for my roomie too. Well, its good to know that I'm still connected there.

PS: Hkies ARE NUTS! They're having hall fest just one week before exams and submissions... So every night now I hide in the library or pretend i'm part of the furnishings in my room. Why did I think I'll ever fit in?

J

Letters to myself.

Dear Jeanie,

I cannot believe you missed your cantonese test today at 1pm. I'm sure we're both well aware of its 20% weightage and in view of everything your best shot of all the future assignments in this course for you to keep that C instead of a D. Yes, we are struggling to even maintain a C.

You could tell me that you fell asleep at 9.30am, with full intention to wake up 2 hours later for the final revision of the materials before the 1pm test. But you and I, both, know that you gave up long before you went to bed.

You gave up, so instead of spending the night hard at work memorizing the grammars of the language, you watch cycles after cycles of America's Next Top Model (none of which you remember now). You spent the time listening to the new Taylor Swift album, surfing through the meanings of the lyrics, when you should be focusing on the the meaning of Cantonese.

Subconsciously, you made the test too insignificant to register. And you can't even plead first-time offense. Because you've done it before. In Sec School. In Lasalle. When you simply can't or well, didn't study for the papers, you damn well know is important. So you sleep, hide, pop pills, whatever allows you runaway from being a responsible person. Then, you waste good, hard-earn money to bluff a MC and get away.

But you know what. You're 21 now. And away in HK.
I did not bring you here just for the grades, we could that anywhere.
I brought you here for a fresh start, and to learn from scratch how to be a person. GOOD person.

I'm sorry you have to learn this at 21. But, we're not going to the doctors' this time.
We're not lying to the teachers. I wanted to let you suffer by losing those grades (and possible fail this course. Yes, I am that serious)

But Kahee is right, I should grovel. Grovelling will be the perfect punishment that will stick in your muddy little nuthead and deter future incidents like this.

So you will grovel to the Cantonese lecture (who positively hates your guts) and without lies, ask for a second chance.

Do take care and follow the rules from now on. I do not wish to see another repeat incident. Just never give up. (And I've not even started on the Karate.)

Farewell for now. But I'll be watching..

Best. yourself. (better self)

I always thought whenever something comes up. Even if everyone's out of reach, I could type it out and share it. But this time, even that seems out of reach.

I would watch really old dramas from the past. And tear up, just suddenly.
I would work myself into exhaustion so when I hit the bed. I sleep, unable to think.
I would go shopping. And find out later that everything I bought was black.
1 black bag. 2 black dress. 1 black skirt. 1 black hairband. 1 black leggings.
I would put up a smile and tell people nice and optimistic things, especially when all I wanna do is hole up and scream.

Now you tell me what's wrong. Cause I wouldn't let myself figure.

I'm officially 21.
meaning I can drink in virtually every country in the world LEGALLY. Drive (with a license that is). and Gamble (if you're into that kinda stuff).

And I had a great week. Suffering through abortion english drafts, and canto recordings. Great meals with KR and pals, sad meals alone. And with daddy and mummy, whom quarreled minimally this time (To my greatest joy). With extravagant meals (I REALLY MEAN IT), my virgin casino gamble and presies. (i'll post pics someday)

As for my 3 magical wishes:

One) I want to remember and carry that purposefulness, and hopefully passion, I found when I came to HK for the nexr 5 years of my life - at least.

Two) To work on that special someone. after I work on me.

Three) I'm saving for the day if the special someone or my purpose fails.

Goodbye 20 yrs old. Hello 21. and Hello my work, it's time I faced the music.

This one is for you. Ms Jasmine Poh Jing Jing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! While I can't be there in person. I wanna just let you know that I'm real glad you're turning 23. (Because you're always older than me)

And that THANKS for being there for me for the past 23 years. ME and the WHOLE WORLD are happier with you here. :))

On my way to recovery, well except my little finger that got squash by the door. Ironically, because its too light unlike all the other doors in hk. So I used too much strength to open it, and my finger got caught between it and the adjacent wall. OUCH! Trust me, it hurts. ALOT.

So since i can't type much. I'll just you know that. I didn't do well in my PHIL 1001 test - not to push the blame around but the lecturer was 20 mins late. So we had 40 mins ONLY to do the 5 short (not really) answer question and 1 50 marks essay. But after its over, the relief that came over was, just really RELIEVING.

And so I went to LKF - I thought at some point that should bring me out of my hikikomori-ness. But, I didn't have fun. And I almost bit the tongue off some guy who claimed I looked like his ex. Then, I had a epiphany. It wasn't LKF. Maybe, partly, it was the heady combination of freedom and alot of alcohol. But, mostly it was me. The sense of purpose I had. To even purposefully have fun and let go. That's the Jeanie, I am.

So, watch out world. I'm back.

P.ps: I'm still unsure, however. If the entire emo episode was caused by the pre-test stress or really just me. I would worry, if i'm not in my happy bubble.

Ps: Why is this post written on a Saturday 6.07am?? Because I had too much red wine and sake last night... That kinda overdose is keeping me high and awake :( Because my renewed purpose, brought me out to drinks and dinner with Florence and co. (girlfriend of 家佑, whom is a family friend.) I normally wouldn't have went. Considering the generation gap that they are Gen X, me Gen Y. But, I did. It surprised me that I had fun. Quite a bit of it. I like it when life surprise me. People as well. I'm invited to join them (Generation X people) to go yacht-ing (yes, that's how rich bankers in hk are) today. So I hope my adventurism will still be here after my nap. AND no matter the case, I'm just glad to say that my Canto improved LOADS. (I can finally put sentences together, albeit slowly. But, still.

Almost nothing has happened since the last post. And I haven't left my hall for the past 30 hours. And that includes not going to class, YES. including not going to my favorite, Global Ethics Class. I made that decision, half-conscious on my bed. And since my return, let's just say the past habit of missing class followed me back here. So that's not the first class I missed. Tomorrow's my first philosophy test, and most of my time is still divided between being hungry, sleeping, watching charmed and the occasional studying (very occasional).

And my roommate diagnosed my symptoms as Hikikomori. Wiki says it to be acute social withdrawal. Great. But i'm working on it.

Trying to remember why I'm here. Tap into that power of new beginnings and find that HK "Jeanie", one different and much more driven than SG "Jeanie", who is parasitic.

I've read my first blog post on Day 2 HK. Remember how it is to want and to work.

To get there in time for English Class: $685SGD
To complete Essay intro for English Class: 1 Sleepless night (REJECTED)
To enjoy a weekend in Singapore, a day at the beach with my be-loved, songs and fun: PRICELESS.

I'm in a state of residual stress from multiple acts of stupidity.

(1) the additional $685 airticket that got me back to HK on Mon 0040h. So I won't miss the compulsory English class. Apparently, I booked tickets to return on 6 OCT. (Maybe subconsciously, I didn't want to return)
Epic conversation of the month:
Unfriendly Jetstar Ground crew: "Your name is not in the system".
Jeanie: "WHAT"


(2) Insult from English teacher. "That's new better than the 'my dog ate my homework' excuse. When I said my introduction (which I did not complete) was in my Macbook which i left in Sg (and is on its way shipping to HK). Well I did deserve that. Sleeping through last night (I had fever) instead of doing my work.

(3) the piling readings and EXTRA work (I should have done). Self Explanatory.

(4) the sunburn all over me - because I didn't put enough sun block. I wonder how karate in hell would feel.. and i think i will find out in about 2 hours.

Did I regret going back home? It's hard to. Considering I had the best time I had in a while, and alot more quality conversations than I would have here.

But coming back to HK, its like everything became foreign again. Strangers I don't know (Even, my roomie seems like one), Places I don't like, a life entirely different. And somehow while I was gone, someone replaced the scorching weather, with chilly winds and murky skies.

Now, I have to channel my energies into finding productive and sociable Jeanie once more. And as of now, its extremely difficult.

P.S.: I did contemplate not going for class today. I even emailed the bitchy English teacher and was prepared to see a doctor for MC. But I went. I guess Jeanie's a better girl in HK.

To SY: Sorry I've been MIA-ing from skype of the late... two reasons: 1) not around in the room la... 2) life is too heavy on this end le... taking its toil on me... But I hope germany's treating you well!
P.S: getting a little antisocial for now... after i clear my table of readings... I'll update you again k!! but please keep me posted of your happenings!! i'll be watching out!

SEE that's my NAME on that uniform!!

Aftermath of my first karate class. Still enjoying it. Knowing myself, FOR NOW. But I really want a black belt (esp, after KR laughed so hard at my beginner white one.) And I want to be able to K.O. people. But to get a yellow one alone will take 4 months and 32 sessions...

Due to my utter refusal to work over the weekends. I have had like 2 hours of sleep. Point to self: don't EVER leave 60 pgs of readings till the last morning. Say from 1 am to 5 am.

Ps: please don't post my return to Sg on my fb!!

Sent from my iPhone

a quick note on food.

NOOOOOOO FOODDDDDDD!!!

and that two words pretty much covers my state.

Been surviving on calabee hot and spicy chips (we run through them at alarming rates) and X packets of instant noodles (which I figured is what you get when you dine out in HK cafes anyway. Only with a piece of meat - i would not eat, and more oil and salt and cost more).

It's a myth that HK has good food. Good. If you're a tourist and have $$$ and since time=$$... More $$$ Not for struggling full time students who have no time to travel or $$ to spare.

Imagine for a plate of fried INSTANT NOODLEs. you pay 48HKD. Yes. that's about $8.20. Exactly. We're not even talking about dim sum.

And each of that nice dessert (which are hard to find, unless you hunt down the famous ones which will take like avg 45 mins travelling time to GET THERE alone). cost avg: $35 HKD. about $6.75.

I miss laksa. Hainanese Chicken Rice (I had this suedo thai version here, cost like about $12 SGD and SUCKS). Tofu. VEGETABLE. chili and that nice Fish and Chips... and proper Curry!!

Falling off the radar...

this post is one of those that has been hanging behind my head for a few days. And it gets less entertaining. Because, I'm not a entertainer afterall.

It seems that the only thing I do regularly these days is: my weekly visit to LFK - where I meet a variety (in forms, shapes and nationalities) of jerks, like those who ask you for your number on their upgraded iphone 3GS with their girlfriend as the background picture (tong's on mine :D). My lesson learnt: clubbing's way more fun when you're slightly 'gone'. There is less motivation for punching those scumbags around you. And if you still do feel like doing it, you'll probably not have the strength to.

Then I sang and sang in the Hong Kong version of Kbox (Neway - they have like 4 different colored membership card for you to choose), with CT. We were alone. Because I really didn't want to spend anymore time in MC's presence. (3 hours a week in Marketing and the upcoming project time should IS ALREADY way over my tolerance limit). Nico, the senior, was not free. [It's a general feeling that while CT leaves me depressed and drained. MC just makes me speechless and perpetually shivering in his weirdness.]

All that being said. My recent state of 'alone' (my roomie who's also always in the room, not counted that is) brings me to a certain revelation.

Eventually when the dust settles, I realize that I have not made enough 'friend's. Friends being those you can hang out with, without the air of awkwardness suffocating you. I have like great counter-examples. Eg. JH the korean dude, whom proves to be the best study partner I can have. To avoid conversation, I've practically buried my head in the books. From the corner of my eyes, I saw like the 7 times he wiped his Mac screen with his burberry hankie (once every time he leaves the table and to my dismay - comes back).

Somehow, joining the AISEC club (which give us global internship and exchange opportunities blah blah) don't quite appeal to me. I've been to the recruitment talk, where they compile a list of numbers and repeatedly throw them in your face over 2 hours. I left, not understanding what the org. does, at all. During the talk, I met this guy, Ross. a.k.a by me "G"ROSS! Someone who managed to throw himself in my space repeatedly over 2 hours. (very touchy AND UGLY) And with his terrible english, I could not understand what he spoke, nothing at all , after the 3 hour interaction we had. Well, maybe he's a perfect fit for AISEC.
I've been to their interview, where they ask you to discuss global poverty, compare freedom of speech in Singapore & PRC, each with 2 min time limits. Then, I've met this guy doing Business and Law, this one with good English, he acquired in his 1 year in UK where he did his A Levels. He said "the Hong Kong A Levels is insanely hard, so I go to UK". (There's like a second round 2 group hour interview. and 3rd round....)

All these, plus the loads of students from international schools (which charges 10 000 SGD per academic year), my perception of hk-ies is hollowing out. And everything starts look really empty. Like the soulless dance moves I see at LKF. [Though I'm not really complaining about having these intl school Hkie Brats in my groupwork. Like the practical hypocrite I am, Good English is always welcomed.]

And I've been missing my karate lessons which clashes with every other thing like interviews and mooncake hols.

My social circles are closing in and overlapping. People from Sg (I got to know more at the ASEAN Compulsory Gathering).

And finally the root of the problem. My delusional state. I keep telling people that I'm from the A Levels stream. AND THEN I got my diploma. Not quite the truth. Repeat that: NOT THE TRUTH. (Each time I tell people of my past, I drift further from the truth.) There's a certain irrational oppression I feel. Ok. I'm not even half as confident as I look.

I thought leaving Sg, would mean leaving that part of me behind. That inferior, irrational delusional part. But problems, like cancerous cells or equivalent past, don't go away because you've shifted to another country. Should have figured that one out, since Airline companies are obviously not making more money than the hospitals.

Officially EMO-ing. (More like contemplating the implications and solutions to my delusional and multiple sides of the false truth. But still)

It is becoming really hard to live outside of my mind. ESP when my 6 credits Philosophy class is about Descrates (at least the parts I agree with, being the non-GOD parts)'s theory that you don't know if your past is true. Because, the only thing you can be sure of is the thoughts that are in your mind now.

And in a escapism streak yesterday. I finished the whole 13 episodes of Dollhouse Season 2. Doll house - based on a theory that your brain can be reprogrammed into an entirely different person. We're talking muscle memory, personality, memory, beliefs, even glandular reactions.

And I woke up at 3 pm today. 6 hours after I woke, the sky, outside my window, fell into complete darkness that seems strange to my body perceptions.

The 'truth' seems like a intangible, fragile concept. I can't be certain.

I'm hiding for a while. See you back in SG.

~ Back to Global Ethics Tutorial Prep. French test on Thurs.

Settled in.

The previous entry is. Discontinued. Because I have to live in the present.

The present: with another 10 pages of Climate Change Readings, 3 Chapters of Marketing, A Source-sharing presentation carrying 5% on Monday, French Exercise and Memorizing, 1 Descartes Mediation to do. At 1:30AM of Sunday.

KR reminded me of why I came to HKU yesterday. I enjoy working hard now.

Voluntary Work to distribute Mooncake to Elderly at 9.30AM this morning.

And I'm still trying hard to forget about last Thursday.

And despite the slightly mellowness of this sentences.
剝離了回憶 開始尋找孤獨
找到孤獨 就不怕寂寞了
I'm oddly comforted in it.

Ps: I'm running a fever. But can't make it to the closed clinics on Sunday.