Songs on my Playlist: I feel Nothing , by the Pierces

Now no time to discover
All the things we were gonna be,
And no way to recover
All the pieces of you and me.
Now my life is calling
With no way to tell where it's going.

Maybe you'd want me back this time
And maybe you'd stay.
Maybe you'd want me back this time
But baby, I say

I feel nothing.

I know that somewhere inside me
You're not totally gone.
But I've not yet decided
If it's right or it's wrong.
Now it seems you're calling.
Leave a message after the tone.

Maybe you'd want me back this time
And maybe you'd stay.
Maybe you'd want me back this time
But baby, I say

I feel nothing.

Who's to say what happens next?
Momma told me never to say never.
Who's to say what happens next?
Who's to say I'll feel like this forever?

I feel nothing.

Today.. or more correctly yesterday, I found out that I am not going blind (thank god!), am incapable of invoke enough anger within myself to scold people over the phone, have exaggerated the queue size at the SE service center, and finally have watch the Devil wears Prada (which I have quoted from over 5 times, though I never did watched it).

And life could be no more perfect if my stomach problems and warts would disappear suddenly. If 2009 wasn't so gloom and black for daddy, mummy, and almost everyone else in the family. If I knew for sure there would be enough money in the world that I have access to give me my ideal education. And if I knew what exactly would be my ideal education.

And if we ditch all that, I still have my unpacked room, unpaid college fees, unregistered and unknown French class schedules.

Well, life progress as we regress further.
2 books to read now: living the truth and the now habit. Let's fight it out and let the victors write history.

Now, I'm rambling blabber. Till tomorrow then.
Sometimes soon, jeanie

Songs on my Playlist: Three Wishes, by the Pierces

We’d be so less fragile
If we’re made from metal
And our hearts from iron
And our minds from steel
And if we built an army
Full of tender bodies
Could we love each other
Would we stop to feel

And you want three wishes:
One to fly the heavens
One to swim like fishes
And then one you’re saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

You say you want to know her like a lover
And undo her damage, she’ll be new again
Soon you’ll find that if you try to save her
It will lose her anger
You will never win

And you want three wishes:
You want never bitter
And all delicious
And then one you’re saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

You want three wishes:
One to fly the heavens
One to swim like fishes
You want never bitter
And all delicious
And a clean conscience
And all it’s blisses
You want one true lover with a thousand kisses
You want soft and gentle and never vicious
And then one you’re saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

It's the hour of reckon-ing again. But today, I'm not in the mood for words or typing. So I'll keep it short and sweet.

I've been reading "Living the Truth" last night (Technically. Morning.) We covered till emotional defense mechanisms(EDM). And according to the book, I will have my usual EDMs in place to protect my senses.

EDMs: I identified as
OD-ing on painkillers,
self-pain inflicting (both in which I hope will be gone from my life ever since then).

And other more seemingly normal, yet supposedly numbing habits
like my obsessive habits of
RE-reading of my romance novels and Harry Potter books.
my Re-watching and watching of often senseless dramas.
Blasting my ipod in crowds, my room and everywhere else.
My love of sitting in MRTs to sleep like I don't have a bed at home.
Loving to sleep day in and out, refusing to get up to when civilisation is awake.

Yups, so today I unsuccessfully woke up late as usual, (I was supposed to try to rise and shine in an attempt to remove the EDM to get to my true self on the other side of the mirror). And was grumpy like the dwarf. And then when onto trying to do something out of my EDMs, I tried bringing Tong to the dog run with Dad, Mum and Joanna (who were quarreling like hell on the car - definitely building bad mental associations to this activity). We did get there, just didn't get out of the car, since it begun to rain.

After which, proceeding to watching TV (which I was suppose to limit down - but failed).Then more TV, then dinner with Van's family. All these while, I was mindlessly processing the photos I took on Christmas and at yesterday's party. Together, with the 4 hours plus of facebook-ing, I pretty sure that I formed what the book described as the re-structured EDM(R.EDM). This R.EDM is apparently something my mystically powerful self-protection system came up with to replace the EDM I'm trying to take down. So apparently, I have to battle and minimize till ultimate destruction, both the EDM and R.EDM to remove all my battle scars. Chim right.

Here's the part that confuses me, one of my reasons for wanting to remove the EDM is because I think, LOGICALLY, I should be able to open up my true self to others, i.e be allowed to be myself. So should I really stop FB-ing (though it connects me to people), since it's a R.EDM? Well, conflicts and contradictions are part- and parcel of life's mysteries. I'll just have to sleep on this confusion and try harder.

But I know for sure that tomorrow will be too packed for EDMs(except for blasting Ipods).

I have packed Art history and institutions (boring and a library over-due) instead of a entertaining alternative for:
An Eye check-up,
Hopefully, a Skin treatment(after I scold the people at the National Skin Center),
Pick up my Now Habit book(supposedly to stop my procrastination and help me ACE my 1st academic resolution) from borders.
To check out my latest WANTED item: the Logictech(spells funny) speakers for my Z/tong Ipod with alarm to burn my ears to rise and shine at the Apple Store
To FIX my phone(finally.. I hear you say)

And maybe after all that action, I'll get down to clearing my room. MAYBE, a girl can dream and hope and also to that ten minutes of revelation of my truth and past. That's a pretty long to-do list, tomorrow. Till then again.
PS: Sorry, I lied, this post is LONG-er than short.

Sometimes again, jeanie

Songs on my Playlist: Kill Kill Kill, by the Pierces

Just when I think, I've got you in safe keeping
That’s when your memory, it comes round creepin'
Well it's an ache I can't shake
It's creeped down deep down to my core
But babe I can't fake it, I can't take this heartbreak
Anymore….

Well you could wash my bain
You could tear out my heart
But I would never forget you
You could change my name
I could make a new start
But I would never forget you

And it's Kill… Kill.. Killin' me
It's Kill… Kill…. Killin' me
That I'm still in love with you

I asked you please to leave my heart
But you refused to go
I can't take this pain much longer
You insist on teaching me what I already know
Absence made this heart grow fonder

All set in stone.

Thoughts if not set into actions will not change the future or anything at all. So every time change your mind, it's still pretty okay IF it stays just exactly where it is: IN YOUR MIND.

But every action on the other hand would set into motion a BILLION other continuous happenings which ultimately in collectively terming would be what we named to be OUR FUTURE. (think butterfly effect)

But it's really hard to keep the thoughts just IN OUR HEADS, so there comes what would be the self-fulfilling prophecy (I'm now-where near a Psycho. student, so DON'T take this as an academic definition k!)

All these just to justify my new year resolutions for the next year, 2009. This year, I'm avoiding horoscope predictions, Almanac or any form of divination of my year's fortune. Instead of praying for hope, luck, and great happenings, I'll rather not risk changing my mind into a messed-up fate book.

Setting in stone will be MY OWN hopes and resolutions - RESOLUTE SOLUTIONS. I'm starting this time with optimism(though I still have a twenny-weeny part that wishes me less optimistic) and most of all for the first time in since I turn a teen, feeling my actual age. I'm going to have a 19th year old (not too soon 20) 2009. (I suppose last year's resolution suceeded in removing the 10 year older mentality)

I'm not going to intentionally thrive to make mistakes, but to let my youth work that part out. To take chances and give myself chances. More so after my scary attempt at Freakish makeup for the countdown party last night, OMG! I and WY, Syl, Fanny was over make-uped, but I didn't mentally beat myself up (Which is totally un-me) at all (Well maybe for 3 mins). I was also awkward and out of conversation at ALOT of times, but yet I managed to enjoy it without OVERTHINKING and OVER ANALYZING every thing.

Beautiful is youth, strange that I'm only feeling this now. I'm going to let myself enjoy it, and maybe at some point I'll stop freaking at the concept of friends - and learn to love more than myself. But for now, I'm satisfied.

Revealing my Family set of New Year Resolutions of 2009 (I actually have 2 sets: another with Syl, WY and Fanny)

STAR Family Resolutions:
- Every 2 months have a family meal outside of home.
- Maintain having Saturday dinners with Aunt Sandra: min 75% attendance rate AND have 2 min. extended family meals.
- Keep Tempers in check toward Family, ESP towards Dad and Mum. At most be grouchy and grumpy NO MORE!
---------------------------------------------------

1. Academic: All Modules (Avg of all components) be minimum Class 1
Should not be hard, really... If I actually gave 3-5 weeks in advance to prepare for all Reports, Essays, Projects. Besides, this is a sell your soul to devil deal. Do or Die.

2. PERSON-ality: To be more responsibly responsive:
Keep Phone Close: Reply msgs within 2 hours of receipt and Answer phone when called.
This one for me and my friends. I know a couple of people who would like me to pick up the phone and reply sms-es, for a change. Part of the initiative to break out of the vicious cycle that alienates me. Step 1: Fixing my phone at the service center.

3. SOCIAL Life: Every 2 weeks, to hang out with Friends once.
I'll work on this. Apparently, it's lacking in my New Year Resolutions's all rounded-ness. I couldn't convince Jas and Jo to change this one to a Yes-day of the week. Because, it will be really dangerous for me to be at Little India saying YES to all requests. Thriving after all, I'm planning a sleep-over or Dinner at NTU next week.

4. Enrichment: Visit Art Exhibitions (min. 2) and Performance of any form (min. 1) - OR in any combination totaling to min. 3 per month.
This ones' a discipline issue. I was supposed to catch Snow White, All the Biennale exhibits, Some school production, etc this hols. NONE DONE. Self-explanatory right?

5. Finances: New Savings of $1750, consisting of Prudential Savings and POSB Savings
I definitely need to work out a finance budget for this one. GOD! For allocating Splurge-able and Un-splurge-ables. And note to self: Call Sina for Pru-savings.

6. Interest: Complete 1 year-long of French Studies for the Exams
This one has been there un-officially for about 7 years, about time to make it official and into action. I don't have many 7 years you know.

7. PERSON-ality: Don’t make empty promises
Keep to my word, when given to ANY third party.
Success Indicator: Broken promises count: less or equals to 5
Uncontested. This is the most difficult resolution in all 10. I figured telling lies in place of truth, is an inherent armor, I still cannot remove YET(it's like the iron man's mask welded painfully onto my skin). But, the least I could do is a conscious effort to make myself responsible for every word I say. TRY jeanie. TRY hard.


8. Tong Tong: Train TT till no longer picks food or items off the floor.
Success Indicator: NO accidents of this nature, which sends him to the vet, AND After June: incidents must be less than 10 times
Read yesterday's entry. Tong Tong ended his 2008 with a BANG. OMG!

9. Health and Lifestyle: Sports and Exercise totally to min 2.5 Hrs per week (NOT to be carried over or averaged)
Well. Could be translated to spending more time with TT, though I really should thrive to wake up early to bring him for his walks. Will be sleeping on that thought.

10. EARTHLING: Be more Eco-friendly
Recycle and Sell/ Give away unwanted/usable items every 2 months, and use when reasonable MY ECO-FRIENDLY shopping bag.
According to many, this one is very question mark. To me however, it's well an identity. Like Vegan, Drug Dealer, ECO-ist, etc. The last one, is definitely the easiest for now. Plus maybe I should include not buying new cosmetics, stationary, creams, etc until the previous one is DEPLETED. ^.-

Over with the new resolutions, my room is still unpacked (with a new battle mess in on the dressing table after today's makeup session). But I did enter my next ENTIRE semester timetable into my iCal and Ipod touch - while I was waiting in vain for 2pm for my treatment appointment, which was cancelled without my knowledge (don't even get me started on this).

To Do List:
1. Input New Year Resolutions in to Ipod touch
2. Fix phone
3. Clear Room
4. Settle Tuition Fee
5. Do up Financial Budgeting
6. Call Sina regarding savings plan.

Ending my 1st '09 entry. Happy New Year to those readings. Remember to seize your life like what I'm trying to do. LIVE IT WELL, LIFE'S NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL.
Sometime soon, jeanie.

Songs on my current playlist: 2009.. Snowflakes, by White Apple Tree

Feeling like I know the words
Of a song I have not wrote
A song of Love, A song of Hope
A song that guides me down this road

A snowflake falls unto my cheek
As I wake up from a distant sleep
I stand up dazed as I look around
What is this place that I have found?