In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it love

These lines constantly repeat themselves in my head like a broken recorder. From this year on, i have stuck to a growing playlist of English tracks. Very very different from before,I noticed.
I have ever since started to think and talk to myself in English more than Chinese -which used to make more sense.

I believe that my character and mindset or simply put attitude towards people and incidents have changed pretty drastically with my newly adopted language or culture. I seemed to be taken into the spectacle(my lecture topic today) of the western culture, an image of more 'cool' sense of living. Maybe its the college culture, the people i meet now in the arts industry, my previous internship, or even gossip girl and the books I now read.

But in any case, I can't find any detrimental facts of this change just yet. Though I am now, more then ever, projecting and building a new image for myself.
A new image - mirroring what I see on TV, in books. Moreover I hope, I have found within myself to become more of a "to hell with your opinions" kind of person. According to my NOW habit book, it's called a innate self-worth, to not diminish my self-confidence and perception of self-value due to every bit of my scrutinized view of others' reaction to me.

And much as i try my best to do this, I cannot stop myself from living inwards due to fear and cowardice- to think rather than to live.

Like love, as I just read on a fellow classmate's fb(no naming on blog rule). Though love has been a topic of interest and of great importance to my life for the past 6 years or so, it is something more in me, than of me.

I would rather think, than to act on impulse, feelings to live out the love. Could this be an indication of my inability to love? Very possibly, I do seem rather alienated from the feelings of others, these days. Or more possibly, it's selfishness. My innate protection, preventing me from potential harm of exposing my VERY vulnerable self. And maybe it is all those reasons, adding that I do not possibly believe that I am worthy of love, not experiencing that before.

But as the classmate pointed out. If the avg, lifespan of a human being is 80 years, adding that the first 14 years for the avg soul would be without romantic love(huge assumption). And adding that the last 20 years,very much diminishes the chance of romantic love too (in most cases that is - in assumption).
Then 80-20-14= 46 years. And to take valentine day as a special and meaningful ocassion of the celebration of love. The avg years would be 46. And in my case, I've lived out my first 18 valentine's day, void of the love (i feared so much of), I'll have a max of 42 V'day left. Quite pathetically, I find myself pinning for how little my V'days left are. This puts Valentine's day quite so more important, in perspective, as I realize my loss of it as the days run by.

And there's exactly 1 month to the day: Feb 14. And, I don't see myself in any position of finding a valentine in time. On top of the lack of available and interested valentine, relationships scare the hell out of me; so I can safely and sadly kiss my 09 V'day goodbye and live with the remaining 41... (at least, this year's Vday is on a non-school day)

This is one of the few days, when the idea of "alone" in singlehood scares me. (maybe also because I see a certain precedent in my life, which I don't actually hope to follow in her footstep) But tonight at 3.33am, I'm not emo, just thoughtful.

Also, I find myself not wanting to sleep and wake up tomorrow to PR class. It's so far my most un-liked subject of this semester (though I initially thought I would love it, but it disappoints like marketing) Maybe, i'm turning to an academic. What thought to behold!

The only thing certain is that I'm definitely changing a lot -----. For better or worse, is to be commented upon in time. I have a lot of research work and some foreign french phrases to sleep on tonight - on my very crowed bed of me, jas and tong. It's going to be hard to blog soon with long days at school and work. But i'll try my best.

sometime soon, jeanie

i'm listening to: fell in love without you, by motion city soundtracks

Last night I fell in love without you.
I waved goodbye to that heart of mine
Beating solo on your lawn

Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it love

Last night I fell in love without you
The coup de grâce that set me off
Would've made for decent fiction

Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it...

Last night I fell in love without you
The stars at night aren't as big and bright
As you make them out to be

Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
In memory of when we used to call it love

and because I was bored...

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
------------------------------------------------
Like jasmine said, pretty accurate and maybe almost true.. what do you think?

Recent days, there's another lapse in blogging, as well as in my life.

It's almost like the sudden thoughts and rampant wants, are becoming too much for my little mind. Leaving me back in my tracks, wanting to numb the overwhelming with 3 full days of indulgence of novels, dramas and everything else that could occupy my time and brain. Now, I can finally, conclude that I am truly not a workaholic. Work will never be the activity of choice to occupy my time, body or mind (if only it was).

Tonight, I'll be sleeping with the curtains bounded up. Not, because I want to rise early tomorrow. But, because I think it's time I let some morning light into my undesired downward spiral of actions. May things look better tomorrow in the morning light.

Sometime again, jeanie

Playing on my playlist: Happily Never After, by PCD

"I don't think I want this anymore, "
As she drops the ring to the floor.
She says to herself, "You've left before, "
"This time you will stay gone, that's for sure."

And he shattered something else
To drag her suitcase down the path,
To the driveway.
She had never gone that far.

Normally this would be
The time that she
Would let him talk her out of leaving,
But this time, without crying,
As she got into her car, she said,

"No
'Happily Never After'
That just ain't for me.
Because finally,
I know
I deserve better, after all
I'll never let another teardrop fall."

As she drove away she starts to smile,
Realized she hadn't for a while.
No destination, she drove for miles
Wondering why she stayed in such denial.

I edited the previous post. In one of our sisterly shower talks, both my sisters said it was dumb to put some things on your blog, dumber to name names. (I suppose this applies, even and more so, if they were the truest moments of truth)

So I'm to have secrets, even from you, my virtual reality log book and very possible more encrypted journal-ing as opposed to blatant open truth. I'm getting remotely better with the flu, sore throat, cough, and bits of fever. My theory of practice, this time round is to ditch the doctors and take enough panadol and strepsil till my immunity system kicks in with a battle-wining antibody stream. It sounds more healthy in theory, so I'm testing it out.

But above the dizziness and OD-ing of panadol and strepsil, I'm definitely more clear-headed now. Three days of school, and the dust have finally settled in its place(whether I like the arrangement or not). And with Joanna's help, I actually re-found my focus again - to realise that my ultimate aim was the result not the people. And if the experience was good, that's bonus, but that's not to be expected. Though, I am making honest efforts to at least try(though not very hard) and be sociable -to talk to people at least. (I added my classmates on facebook, that should mean something) I will eventually need to leave my protective armour of wheezes and whopping coughs behind, to actually listen and participate in conversation - I can't be sick forever. (Oops, I just found the cause of my procrastination of seeing the doctor, the unwillingness to lose my excuse for not talking and answering people... )

Yups, and I'm getting through my NOW habit book, which proves itself to be an excellent book of insight. I'm even dutifully logging down my every moment and thoughts of procrastination, as the book instructs. It better work, I will need it to.

It's time to test my limits and abilities, rather give excuses and believe hearsay about my true potential. So this semester hopefully, I'll get a good honest measure from my (for the first time) not last-minute work.

The clouds are dispersing, and there's more light now, on how I should go ahead with the rest of the week or so. With my healthy dose of gossip and drama back, I'm definitely more grounded. (I'm thankful, the drama exists in TV or my macbook though) I've also ended my brief but resolute quarrel/ fight with Tongtong in mutual agreement(which he always breaches) of better co-existence(i.e. to end our abusive relationship for a normal mutually respecting one).

Some things are getting done and settled, which is about time, since the week is gone by half. But, I still need to get to the un-encouraging huge load of research, at least for the projects due on wk 7. A trip to the library is due, I guess(my books, though have long been due). And there's social arrangements to be made, as promised. So the term is just getting started, and hopefully so am I.

Sometime again, jeanie

Not really playing on my playlist, but because I feel like it

Secret, by The Pierces
Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead�

Why do you smile
Like you have told a secret
Now you're telling lies
Cause you're the one to keep it
But no one keeps a secret
No one keeps a secret
Why when we do our darkest deeds
Do we tell?
They burn in our brains
Become a living hell
Cause everyone tells
Everyone tells�

Look into my eyes
Now you're getting sleepy
Are you hypnotized
By secrets that you're keeping?
I know what you're keeping
I know what you're keeping

Yes two can keep a secret
If one of us is... Dead.