In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it love

These lines constantly repeat themselves in my head like a broken recorder. From this year on, i have stuck to a growing playlist of English tracks. Very very different from before,I noticed.
I have ever since started to think and talk to myself in English more than Chinese -which used to make more sense.

I believe that my character and mindset or simply put attitude towards people and incidents have changed pretty drastically with my newly adopted language or culture. I seemed to be taken into the spectacle(my lecture topic today) of the western culture, an image of more 'cool' sense of living. Maybe its the college culture, the people i meet now in the arts industry, my previous internship, or even gossip girl and the books I now read.

But in any case, I can't find any detrimental facts of this change just yet. Though I am now, more then ever, projecting and building a new image for myself.
A new image - mirroring what I see on TV, in books. Moreover I hope, I have found within myself to become more of a "to hell with your opinions" kind of person. According to my NOW habit book, it's called a innate self-worth, to not diminish my self-confidence and perception of self-value due to every bit of my scrutinized view of others' reaction to me.

And much as i try my best to do this, I cannot stop myself from living inwards due to fear and cowardice- to think rather than to live.

Like love, as I just read on a fellow classmate's fb(no naming on blog rule). Though love has been a topic of interest and of great importance to my life for the past 6 years or so, it is something more in me, than of me.

I would rather think, than to act on impulse, feelings to live out the love. Could this be an indication of my inability to love? Very possibly, I do seem rather alienated from the feelings of others, these days. Or more possibly, it's selfishness. My innate protection, preventing me from potential harm of exposing my VERY vulnerable self. And maybe it is all those reasons, adding that I do not possibly believe that I am worthy of love, not experiencing that before.

But as the classmate pointed out. If the avg, lifespan of a human being is 80 years, adding that the first 14 years for the avg soul would be without romantic love(huge assumption). And adding that the last 20 years,very much diminishes the chance of romantic love too (in most cases that is - in assumption).
Then 80-20-14= 46 years. And to take valentine day as a special and meaningful ocassion of the celebration of love. The avg years would be 46. And in my case, I've lived out my first 18 valentine's day, void of the love (i feared so much of), I'll have a max of 42 V'day left. Quite pathetically, I find myself pinning for how little my V'days left are. This puts Valentine's day quite so more important, in perspective, as I realize my loss of it as the days run by.

And there's exactly 1 month to the day: Feb 14. And, I don't see myself in any position of finding a valentine in time. On top of the lack of available and interested valentine, relationships scare the hell out of me; so I can safely and sadly kiss my 09 V'day goodbye and live with the remaining 41... (at least, this year's Vday is on a non-school day)

This is one of the few days, when the idea of "alone" in singlehood scares me. (maybe also because I see a certain precedent in my life, which I don't actually hope to follow in her footstep) But tonight at 3.33am, I'm not emo, just thoughtful.

Also, I find myself not wanting to sleep and wake up tomorrow to PR class. It's so far my most un-liked subject of this semester (though I initially thought I would love it, but it disappoints like marketing) Maybe, i'm turning to an academic. What thought to behold!

The only thing certain is that I'm definitely changing a lot -----. For better or worse, is to be commented upon in time. I have a lot of research work and some foreign french phrases to sleep on tonight - on my very crowed bed of me, jas and tong. It's going to be hard to blog soon with long days at school and work. But i'll try my best.

sometime soon, jeanie