listening to: Come home, by Onerepublic. If only i would

Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home

I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now

i seriously hoped that blogging would help me out of my downward spiral. of rejecting the right thing in my life: taking actual responsibility. But I'm drunk with just a glass of lemonade heavily loaded with gin. I'm going down, i just hope i'll stop in time. Till then, jeanie

finally, a enjoyable, much-needed uplifting song on my playlist:

New Soul, by Yael Naim
I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

All hell broke soon, and somehow a part of me too.

It's day 3 of my 14 day deadline, I passed on myself to get over/pass (which ever verb applies) my long time building fixation with an unwanted object. The last time I had to pass such a legislation on myself, the execution took say, a year. But accounting that everything is larger and of smaller distance now, AND I believe myself to be a much stronger person than before, I hope to end this saga within 2 weeks.

It NEEDS to end, because I hate the feeling of not being in control or understanding any teeny bit of me. I love reality the way I know it to be, and that's how it's staying till I'm ready. I read in a friend's facebook "about me" section that "any idiot can handle a crisis, it's the day to day living that breaks you down."

Very true, my friend. And it would seem to me that all of my will-power, determination(present or otherwise) has been channel to this new personality sculpting project of mine, putting all works on hold for the past week. If you translate that to simple words, simply means I have NOT done any work at all since the previous week. Not uncommon though, it would seem that i can only work hard in short spurs of the moments and then pause for another short spur. Stamina and determination seems to be a genetic deficiency present in my DNA.

But everything else seems alright, as the dust and fallen into place of a steady routine. A routine led on the nose by my iCal, which pretty much dictate all the parts of my life and schedule (except that I never follow the sections on work).

School isn't much of a chore now. No resentment, no hard feelings, as conversations are now less forced, though oddly(maybe revealingly) centric on me, myself and I. And work. Well, to the devil with others, seem to work fine, as I minimize contact with people I actually don't like. And continue to flaunt my other friendships on my fb wall, with now my entire acquaintances of my past possibly looking in on my life(not that I foresee people actually doing so, I'm not as popular as I would like to believe of myself). Life can be easy and pretty unstressful, even with overbearing deadlines (like my due TOMORROW music paper outline presentation). And I see myself working a great deal at not living with the intention of making others 'like' me. Working hard, and making little progress. Maybe a small step to the revolution, but that should still make history, if i have my say.

I'm enjoying my french lessons for now. Enjoying my regressive attempts on monetary control - splurging on a $100 bag and severely over-priced hair accessories as a retail therapy (sponsored by my overly obliging and spoiling mother).

While my playlist remains english, with new additions I still cannot determine my liking for. And so does my life, a boiling pot of ice - constantly in odds and spilling with trouble, drama and yet in harmony enough to keep me sane.

Till tomorrow or many tomorrows later, jeanie

In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it love

These lines constantly repeat themselves in my head like a broken recorder. From this year on, i have stuck to a growing playlist of English tracks. Very very different from before,I noticed.
I have ever since started to think and talk to myself in English more than Chinese -which used to make more sense.

I believe that my character and mindset or simply put attitude towards people and incidents have changed pretty drastically with my newly adopted language or culture. I seemed to be taken into the spectacle(my lecture topic today) of the western culture, an image of more 'cool' sense of living. Maybe its the college culture, the people i meet now in the arts industry, my previous internship, or even gossip girl and the books I now read.

But in any case, I can't find any detrimental facts of this change just yet. Though I am now, more then ever, projecting and building a new image for myself.
A new image - mirroring what I see on TV, in books. Moreover I hope, I have found within myself to become more of a "to hell with your opinions" kind of person. According to my NOW habit book, it's called a innate self-worth, to not diminish my self-confidence and perception of self-value due to every bit of my scrutinized view of others' reaction to me.

And much as i try my best to do this, I cannot stop myself from living inwards due to fear and cowardice- to think rather than to live.

Like love, as I just read on a fellow classmate's fb(no naming on blog rule). Though love has been a topic of interest and of great importance to my life for the past 6 years or so, it is something more in me, than of me.

I would rather think, than to act on impulse, feelings to live out the love. Could this be an indication of my inability to love? Very possibly, I do seem rather alienated from the feelings of others, these days. Or more possibly, it's selfishness. My innate protection, preventing me from potential harm of exposing my VERY vulnerable self. And maybe it is all those reasons, adding that I do not possibly believe that I am worthy of love, not experiencing that before.

But as the classmate pointed out. If the avg, lifespan of a human being is 80 years, adding that the first 14 years for the avg soul would be without romantic love(huge assumption). And adding that the last 20 years,very much diminishes the chance of romantic love too (in most cases that is - in assumption).
Then 80-20-14= 46 years. And to take valentine day as a special and meaningful ocassion of the celebration of love. The avg years would be 46. And in my case, I've lived out my first 18 valentine's day, void of the love (i feared so much of), I'll have a max of 42 V'day left. Quite pathetically, I find myself pinning for how little my V'days left are. This puts Valentine's day quite so more important, in perspective, as I realize my loss of it as the days run by.

And there's exactly 1 month to the day: Feb 14. And, I don't see myself in any position of finding a valentine in time. On top of the lack of available and interested valentine, relationships scare the hell out of me; so I can safely and sadly kiss my 09 V'day goodbye and live with the remaining 41... (at least, this year's Vday is on a non-school day)

This is one of the few days, when the idea of "alone" in singlehood scares me. (maybe also because I see a certain precedent in my life, which I don't actually hope to follow in her footstep) But tonight at 3.33am, I'm not emo, just thoughtful.

Also, I find myself not wanting to sleep and wake up tomorrow to PR class. It's so far my most un-liked subject of this semester (though I initially thought I would love it, but it disappoints like marketing) Maybe, i'm turning to an academic. What thought to behold!

The only thing certain is that I'm definitely changing a lot -----. For better or worse, is to be commented upon in time. I have a lot of research work and some foreign french phrases to sleep on tonight - on my very crowed bed of me, jas and tong. It's going to be hard to blog soon with long days at school and work. But i'll try my best.

sometime soon, jeanie

i'm listening to: fell in love without you, by motion city soundtracks

Last night I fell in love without you.
I waved goodbye to that heart of mine
Beating solo on your lawn

Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it love

Last night I fell in love without you
The coup de grâce that set me off
Would've made for decent fiction

Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it...

Last night I fell in love without you
The stars at night aren't as big and bright
As you make them out to be

Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
In memory of when we used to call it love

and because I was bored...

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
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Like jasmine said, pretty accurate and maybe almost true.. what do you think?