The inevitable excuse for procrastinating.

Life is indeed full of tribulations and trials. Just when I try my utmost to proceed forward with determined strides, there would be little things like illness and problems to test my resolve.

Enough of emo introductions, but I do have reason to emo, today. BAD day. It's first day of Sem 2 and I find myself very very very sick. The chocolate hangover, apparently left behind a staying guest - BAD BAD sore throat. Like Jasmine, I was barely sleeping last night with millions of random thoughts rushing through my head.

And of course, to lighten my bag - this morning I remembered to take out the umbrella from my bag. Like Murphy's law decrees, it had to rain with me caught in it. That's it - FEVER.

Plus, mean and horrible I was, with my grouping comments yesterday, I really did try to transfer class. Unsuccessfully, of course, but well there still like a small glimmer of hope. So, I'm trying to suppress that section of gloomy clouds for now. (Or I might just sink into depression again)

But school today was extremely awkward. I felt uneasy, no matter what I do. There was just awkward pause after awkward silence. I guess, I'm now at the junction where I find myself wanting to be sociable in college(because it seems like the right thing to do), but I'm completely unaware and not equipped with the proper physics of how "conversations", "friends", etc work in school. I'm a little tired of filling silence and making conversations that I even find it hard to evoke enough interest in its replies. And I think I look aloof enough for people to NOT want to approach - be it a blessing or a curse.

And I missed the first lesson of the French class I signed up for today. Quite intentionally or unintentionally (Depending on perception), it was 6.00pm and I did not have the fees money with me for the class that started at 6.30pm today. It did occurred to me that I could get cash from dad at orchard and be back on time. But, I sort of gave up. Excuses available: tired, unprepared, sick, blah blah.... It's not exactly a good start to miss the 1st lesson of a new language course. Another bad beginning, I hope if I get well I'll be optimistic enough to believe that bad beginnings can be salvaged.

Well, I'm EMO today.. hard to not be at the alarming rate I'm eating through my tissue box and sneezing my nose off. There's only one class tomorrow, let's hope for the better. and there's always gossip girl to accompany my sick bed. I'll cry real hard if itunes screw up the uploading.

Sometime again, jeanie

I wish I still have the positivity of last year.. when I was (impossibly) looking forward to tomorrow - the start of the term...

Optimism died a quick and painful death tonight.
Well to the truth, it had been on the verge of death since yesterday - when I suddenly realize my critical skills module - business writing (whose grades have been CRITICAL, since I handed in, the really bad report which took ONLY 2 hours to do) is completely graded based on group project work. That made me so stressed and upset, I couldn't even blog yesterday.

******
I'm getting really sour. I apologize for my tone and I think it's the negative ions of today's mood that's rubbing onto me. We finally went out today with Jo, after her million pleas of boredom. But, all that came out of today: sour and bad vibes, really really awkward talks, a very over-priced and over-rated chocolate meal - that is giving a headache for overdosing, a lot of food, which I didn't enjoy that I ate to keep myself occupied and excused from responding, and the only bright spot: I have my phone back, with everything in tact and fixed.

It feels really good to be able to sms people and to complain to sylvie about my day, crap about with fanny, and laugh at Wy on her funny guy who likes her, but cannot be my new year resolution candidate. I really miss sms-ing...

....My vision's clouding from OD-ing chocolate. Jasmine is right, it's a torture, and I don't think I will be eating any chocolate soon. Till tomorrow then, after my class, after I settle my timetabling issues (I have a fews plans to get my way... hopefully they'll work out), and after I drop by the French school to get the course schedule. Good night.

Ps: looking on the bright side, I have budgetting done(my commencement of my frugal(to me) lifestyle), and my room's packed and a trip to pulau NTU to look forward to.

P.ps: Gossip girl coming back.... that's always a reason to be glad.

P.pPs: I'm getting really guilty not spending enough time with tongtong.. Shall walk him tomorrow...

Sometime soon (hopefully when I'm happier and less dizzy), jeanie

Songs on my Playlist: I feel Nothing , by the Pierces

Now no time to discover
All the things we were gonna be,
And no way to recover
All the pieces of you and me.
Now my life is calling
With no way to tell where it's going.

Maybe you'd want me back this time
And maybe you'd stay.
Maybe you'd want me back this time
But baby, I say

I feel nothing.

I know that somewhere inside me
You're not totally gone.
But I've not yet decided
If it's right or it's wrong.
Now it seems you're calling.
Leave a message after the tone.

Maybe you'd want me back this time
And maybe you'd stay.
Maybe you'd want me back this time
But baby, I say

I feel nothing.

Who's to say what happens next?
Momma told me never to say never.
Who's to say what happens next?
Who's to say I'll feel like this forever?

I feel nothing.

Today.. or more correctly yesterday, I found out that I am not going blind (thank god!), am incapable of invoke enough anger within myself to scold people over the phone, have exaggerated the queue size at the SE service center, and finally have watch the Devil wears Prada (which I have quoted from over 5 times, though I never did watched it).

And life could be no more perfect if my stomach problems and warts would disappear suddenly. If 2009 wasn't so gloom and black for daddy, mummy, and almost everyone else in the family. If I knew for sure there would be enough money in the world that I have access to give me my ideal education. And if I knew what exactly would be my ideal education.

And if we ditch all that, I still have my unpacked room, unpaid college fees, unregistered and unknown French class schedules.

Well, life progress as we regress further.
2 books to read now: living the truth and the now habit. Let's fight it out and let the victors write history.

Now, I'm rambling blabber. Till tomorrow then.
Sometimes soon, jeanie

Songs on my Playlist: Three Wishes, by the Pierces

We’d be so less fragile
If we’re made from metal
And our hearts from iron
And our minds from steel
And if we built an army
Full of tender bodies
Could we love each other
Would we stop to feel

And you want three wishes:
One to fly the heavens
One to swim like fishes
And then one you’re saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

You say you want to know her like a lover
And undo her damage, she’ll be new again
Soon you’ll find that if you try to save her
It will lose her anger
You will never win

And you want three wishes:
You want never bitter
And all delicious
And then one you’re saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

You want three wishes:
One to fly the heavens
One to swim like fishes
You want never bitter
And all delicious
And a clean conscience
And all it’s blisses
You want one true lover with a thousand kisses
You want soft and gentle and never vicious
And then one you’re saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

It's the hour of reckon-ing again. But today, I'm not in the mood for words or typing. So I'll keep it short and sweet.

I've been reading "Living the Truth" last night (Technically. Morning.) We covered till emotional defense mechanisms(EDM). And according to the book, I will have my usual EDMs in place to protect my senses.

EDMs: I identified as
OD-ing on painkillers,
self-pain inflicting (both in which I hope will be gone from my life ever since then).

And other more seemingly normal, yet supposedly numbing habits
like my obsessive habits of
RE-reading of my romance novels and Harry Potter books.
my Re-watching and watching of often senseless dramas.
Blasting my ipod in crowds, my room and everywhere else.
My love of sitting in MRTs to sleep like I don't have a bed at home.
Loving to sleep day in and out, refusing to get up to when civilisation is awake.

Yups, so today I unsuccessfully woke up late as usual, (I was supposed to try to rise and shine in an attempt to remove the EDM to get to my true self on the other side of the mirror). And was grumpy like the dwarf. And then when onto trying to do something out of my EDMs, I tried bringing Tong to the dog run with Dad, Mum and Joanna (who were quarreling like hell on the car - definitely building bad mental associations to this activity). We did get there, just didn't get out of the car, since it begun to rain.

After which, proceeding to watching TV (which I was suppose to limit down - but failed).Then more TV, then dinner with Van's family. All these while, I was mindlessly processing the photos I took on Christmas and at yesterday's party. Together, with the 4 hours plus of facebook-ing, I pretty sure that I formed what the book described as the re-structured EDM(R.EDM). This R.EDM is apparently something my mystically powerful self-protection system came up with to replace the EDM I'm trying to take down. So apparently, I have to battle and minimize till ultimate destruction, both the EDM and R.EDM to remove all my battle scars. Chim right.

Here's the part that confuses me, one of my reasons for wanting to remove the EDM is because I think, LOGICALLY, I should be able to open up my true self to others, i.e be allowed to be myself. So should I really stop FB-ing (though it connects me to people), since it's a R.EDM? Well, conflicts and contradictions are part- and parcel of life's mysteries. I'll just have to sleep on this confusion and try harder.

But I know for sure that tomorrow will be too packed for EDMs(except for blasting Ipods).

I have packed Art history and institutions (boring and a library over-due) instead of a entertaining alternative for:
An Eye check-up,
Hopefully, a Skin treatment(after I scold the people at the National Skin Center),
Pick up my Now Habit book(supposedly to stop my procrastination and help me ACE my 1st academic resolution) from borders.
To check out my latest WANTED item: the Logictech(spells funny) speakers for my Z/tong Ipod with alarm to burn my ears to rise and shine at the Apple Store
To FIX my phone(finally.. I hear you say)

And maybe after all that action, I'll get down to clearing my room. MAYBE, a girl can dream and hope and also to that ten minutes of revelation of my truth and past. That's a pretty long to-do list, tomorrow. Till then again.
PS: Sorry, I lied, this post is LONG-er than short.

Sometimes again, jeanie