Recent days, there's another lapse in blogging, as well as in my life.
It's almost like the sudden thoughts and rampant wants, are becoming too much for my little mind. Leaving me back in my tracks, wanting to numb the overwhelming with 3 full days of indulgence of novels, dramas and everything else that could occupy my time and brain. Now, I can finally, conclude that I am truly not a workaholic. Work will never be the activity of choice to occupy my time, body or mind (if only it was).
Tonight, I'll be sleeping with the curtains bounded up. Not, because I want to rise early tomorrow. But, because I think it's time I let some morning light into my undesired downward spiral of actions. May things look better tomorrow in the morning light.
Sometime again, jeanie
January 11, 2009
Playing on my playlist: Happily Never After, by PCD
"I don't think I want this anymore, "
As she drops the ring to the floor.
She says to herself, "You've left before, "
"This time you will stay gone, that's for sure."
And he shattered something else
To drag her suitcase down the path,
To the driveway.
She had never gone that far.
Normally this would be
The time that she
Would let him talk her out of leaving,
But this time, without crying,
As she got into her car, she said,
"No
'Happily Never After'
That just ain't for me.
Because finally,
I know
I deserve better, after all
I'll never let another teardrop fall."
As she drove away she starts to smile,
Realized she hadn't for a while.
No destination, she drove for miles
Wondering why she stayed in such denial.
As she drops the ring to the floor.
She says to herself, "You've left before, "
"This time you will stay gone, that's for sure."
And he shattered something else
To drag her suitcase down the path,
To the driveway.
She had never gone that far.
Normally this would be
The time that she
Would let him talk her out of leaving,
But this time, without crying,
As she got into her car, she said,
"No
'Happily Never After'
That just ain't for me.
Because finally,
I know
I deserve better, after all
I'll never let another teardrop fall."
As she drove away she starts to smile,
Realized she hadn't for a while.
No destination, she drove for miles
Wondering why she stayed in such denial.
January 8, 2009
I edited the previous post. In one of our sisterly shower talks, both my sisters said it was dumb to put some things on your blog, dumber to name names. (I suppose this applies, even and more so, if they were the truest moments of truth)
So I'm to have secrets, even from you, my virtual reality log book and very possible more encrypted journal-ing as opposed to blatant open truth. I'm getting remotely better with the flu, sore throat, cough, and bits of fever. My theory of practice, this time round is to ditch the doctors and take enough panadol and strepsil till my immunity system kicks in with a battle-wining antibody stream. It sounds more healthy in theory, so I'm testing it out.
But above the dizziness and OD-ing of panadol and strepsil, I'm definitely more clear-headed now. Three days of school, and the dust have finally settled in its place(whether I like the arrangement or not). And with Joanna's help, I actually re-found my focus again - to realise that my ultimate aim was the result not the people. And if the experience was good, that's bonus, but that's not to be expected. Though, I am making honest efforts to at least try(though not very hard) and be sociable -to talk to people at least. (I added my classmates on facebook, that should mean something) I will eventually need to leave my protective armour of wheezes and whopping coughs behind, to actually listen and participate in conversation - I can't be sick forever. (Oops, I just found the cause of my procrastination of seeing the doctor, the unwillingness to lose my excuse for not talking and answering people... )
Yups, and I'm getting through my NOW habit book, which proves itself to be an excellent book of insight. I'm even dutifully logging down my every moment and thoughts of procrastination, as the book instructs. It better work, I will need it to.
It's time to test my limits and abilities, rather give excuses and believe hearsay about my true potential. So this semester hopefully, I'll get a good honest measure from my (for the first time) not last-minute work.
The clouds are dispersing, and there's more light now, on how I should go ahead with the rest of the week or so. With my healthy dose of gossip and drama back, I'm definitely more grounded. (I'm thankful, the drama exists in TV or my macbook though) I've also ended my brief but resolute quarrel/ fight with Tongtong in mutual agreement(which he always breaches) of better co-existence(i.e. to end our abusive relationship for a normal mutually respecting one).
Some things are getting done and settled, which is about time, since the week is gone by half. But, I still need to get to the un-encouraging huge load of research, at least for the projects due on wk 7. A trip to the library is due, I guess(my books, though have long been due). And there's social arrangements to be made, as promised. So the term is just getting started, and hopefully so am I.
Sometime again, jeanie
So I'm to have secrets, even from you, my virtual reality log book and very possible more encrypted journal-ing as opposed to blatant open truth. I'm getting remotely better with the flu, sore throat, cough, and bits of fever. My theory of practice, this time round is to ditch the doctors and take enough panadol and strepsil till my immunity system kicks in with a battle-wining antibody stream. It sounds more healthy in theory, so I'm testing it out.
But above the dizziness and OD-ing of panadol and strepsil, I'm definitely more clear-headed now. Three days of school, and the dust have finally settled in its place(whether I like the arrangement or not). And with Joanna's help, I actually re-found my focus again - to realise that my ultimate aim was the result not the people. And if the experience was good, that's bonus, but that's not to be expected. Though, I am making honest efforts to at least try(though not very hard) and be sociable -to talk to people at least. (I added my classmates on facebook, that should mean something) I will eventually need to leave my protective armour of wheezes and whopping coughs behind, to actually listen and participate in conversation - I can't be sick forever. (Oops, I just found the cause of my procrastination of seeing the doctor, the unwillingness to lose my excuse for not talking and answering people... )
Yups, and I'm getting through my NOW habit book, which proves itself to be an excellent book of insight. I'm even dutifully logging down my every moment and thoughts of procrastination, as the book instructs. It better work, I will need it to.
It's time to test my limits and abilities, rather give excuses and believe hearsay about my true potential. So this semester hopefully, I'll get a good honest measure from my (for the first time) not last-minute work.
The clouds are dispersing, and there's more light now, on how I should go ahead with the rest of the week or so. With my healthy dose of gossip and drama back, I'm definitely more grounded. (I'm thankful, the drama exists in TV or my macbook though) I've also ended my brief but resolute quarrel/ fight with Tongtong in mutual agreement(which he always breaches) of better co-existence(i.e. to end our abusive relationship for a normal mutually respecting one).
Some things are getting done and settled, which is about time, since the week is gone by half. But, I still need to get to the un-encouraging huge load of research, at least for the projects due on wk 7. A trip to the library is due, I guess(my books, though have long been due). And there's social arrangements to be made, as promised. So the term is just getting started, and hopefully so am I.
Sometime again, jeanie
Not really playing on my playlist, but because I feel like it
Secret, by The Pierces
Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead�
Why do you smile
Like you have told a secret
Now you're telling lies
Cause you're the one to keep it
But no one keeps a secret
No one keeps a secret
Why when we do our darkest deeds
Do we tell?
They burn in our brains
Become a living hell
Cause everyone tells
Everyone tells�
Look into my eyes
Now you're getting sleepy
Are you hypnotized
By secrets that you're keeping?
I know what you're keeping
I know what you're keeping
Yes two can keep a secret
If one of us is... Dead.
Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead�
Why do you smile
Like you have told a secret
Now you're telling lies
Cause you're the one to keep it
But no one keeps a secret
No one keeps a secret
Why when we do our darkest deeds
Do we tell?
They burn in our brains
Become a living hell
Cause everyone tells
Everyone tells�
Look into my eyes
Now you're getting sleepy
Are you hypnotized
By secrets that you're keeping?
I know what you're keeping
I know what you're keeping
Yes two can keep a secret
If one of us is... Dead.
January 6, 2009
The inevitable excuse for procrastinating.
Life is indeed full of tribulations and trials. Just when I try my utmost to proceed forward with determined strides, there would be little things like illness and problems to test my resolve.
Enough of emo introductions, but I do have reason to emo, today. BAD day. It's first day of Sem 2 and I find myself very very very sick. The chocolate hangover, apparently left behind a staying guest - BAD BAD sore throat. Like Jasmine, I was barely sleeping last night with millions of random thoughts rushing through my head.
And of course, to lighten my bag - this morning I remembered to take out the umbrella from my bag. Like Murphy's law decrees, it had to rain with me caught in it. That's it - FEVER.
Plus, mean and horrible I was, with my grouping comments yesterday, I really did try to transfer class. Unsuccessfully, of course, but well there still like a small glimmer of hope. So, I'm trying to suppress that section of gloomy clouds for now. (Or I might just sink into depression again)
But school today was extremely awkward. I felt uneasy, no matter what I do. There was just awkward pause after awkward silence. I guess, I'm now at the junction where I find myself wanting to be sociable in college(because it seems like the right thing to do), but I'm completely unaware and not equipped with the proper physics of how "conversations", "friends", etc work in school. I'm a little tired of filling silence and making conversations that I even find it hard to evoke enough interest in its replies. And I think I look aloof enough for people to NOT want to approach - be it a blessing or a curse.
And I missed the first lesson of the French class I signed up for today. Quite intentionally or unintentionally (Depending on perception), it was 6.00pm and I did not have the fees money with me for the class that started at 6.30pm today. It did occurred to me that I could get cash from dad at orchard and be back on time. But, I sort of gave up. Excuses available: tired, unprepared, sick, blah blah.... It's not exactly a good start to miss the 1st lesson of a new language course. Another bad beginning, I hope if I get well I'll be optimistic enough to believe that bad beginnings can be salvaged.
Well, I'm EMO today.. hard to not be at the alarming rate I'm eating through my tissue box and sneezing my nose off. There's only one class tomorrow, let's hope for the better. and there's always gossip girl to accompany my sick bed. I'll cry real hard if itunes screw up the uploading.
Sometime again, jeanie
Life is indeed full of tribulations and trials. Just when I try my utmost to proceed forward with determined strides, there would be little things like illness and problems to test my resolve.
Enough of emo introductions, but I do have reason to emo, today. BAD day. It's first day of Sem 2 and I find myself very very very sick. The chocolate hangover, apparently left behind a staying guest - BAD BAD sore throat. Like Jasmine, I was barely sleeping last night with millions of random thoughts rushing through my head.
And of course, to lighten my bag - this morning I remembered to take out the umbrella from my bag. Like Murphy's law decrees, it had to rain with me caught in it. That's it - FEVER.
Plus, mean and horrible I was, with my grouping comments yesterday, I really did try to transfer class. Unsuccessfully, of course, but well there still like a small glimmer of hope. So, I'm trying to suppress that section of gloomy clouds for now. (Or I might just sink into depression again)
But school today was extremely awkward. I felt uneasy, no matter what I do. There was just awkward pause after awkward silence. I guess, I'm now at the junction where I find myself wanting to be sociable in college(because it seems like the right thing to do), but I'm completely unaware and not equipped with the proper physics of how "conversations", "friends", etc work in school. I'm a little tired of filling silence and making conversations that I even find it hard to evoke enough interest in its replies. And I think I look aloof enough for people to NOT want to approach - be it a blessing or a curse.
And I missed the first lesson of the French class I signed up for today. Quite intentionally or unintentionally (Depending on perception), it was 6.00pm and I did not have the fees money with me for the class that started at 6.30pm today. It did occurred to me that I could get cash from dad at orchard and be back on time. But, I sort of gave up. Excuses available: tired, unprepared, sick, blah blah.... It's not exactly a good start to miss the 1st lesson of a new language course. Another bad beginning, I hope if I get well I'll be optimistic enough to believe that bad beginnings can be salvaged.
Well, I'm EMO today.. hard to not be at the alarming rate I'm eating through my tissue box and sneezing my nose off. There's only one class tomorrow, let's hope for the better. and there's always gossip girl to accompany my sick bed. I'll cry real hard if itunes screw up the uploading.
Sometime again, jeanie
January 5, 2009
Optimism died a quick and painful death tonight.
Well to the truth, it had been on the verge of death since yesterday - when I suddenly realize my critical skills module - business writing (whose grades have been CRITICAL, since I handed in, the really bad report which took ONLY 2 hours to do) is completely graded based on group project work. That made me so stressed and upset, I couldn't even blog yesterday.
******
I'm getting really sour. I apologize for my tone and I think it's the negative ions of today's mood that's rubbing onto me. We finally went out today with Jo, after her million pleas of boredom. But, all that came out of today: sour and bad vibes, really really awkward talks, a very over-priced and over-rated chocolate meal - that is giving a headache for overdosing, a lot of food, which I didn't enjoy that I ate to keep myself occupied and excused from responding, and the only bright spot: I have my phone back, with everything in tact and fixed.
It feels really good to be able to sms people and to complain to sylvie about my day, crap about with fanny, and laugh at Wy on her funny guy who likes her, but cannot be my new year resolution candidate. I really miss sms-ing...
....My vision's clouding from OD-ing chocolate. Jasmine is right, it's a torture, and I don't think I will be eating any chocolate soon. Till tomorrow then, after my class, after I settle my timetabling issues (I have a fews plans to get my way... hopefully they'll work out), and after I drop by the French school to get the course schedule. Good night.
Ps: looking on the bright side, I have budgetting done(my commencement of my frugal(to me) lifestyle), and my room's packed and a trip to pulau NTU to look forward to.
P.ps: Gossip girl coming back.... that's always a reason to be glad.
P.pPs: I'm getting really guilty not spending enough time with tongtong.. Shall walk him tomorrow...
Sometime soon (hopefully when I'm happier and less dizzy), jeanie
Well to the truth, it had been on the verge of death since yesterday - when I suddenly realize my critical skills module - business writing (whose grades have been CRITICAL, since I handed in, the really bad report which took ONLY 2 hours to do) is completely graded based on group project work. That made me so stressed and upset, I couldn't even blog yesterday.
******
I'm getting really sour. I apologize for my tone and I think it's the negative ions of today's mood that's rubbing onto me. We finally went out today with Jo, after her million pleas of boredom. But, all that came out of today: sour and bad vibes, really really awkward talks, a very over-priced and over-rated chocolate meal - that is giving a headache for overdosing, a lot of food, which I didn't enjoy that I ate to keep myself occupied and excused from responding, and the only bright spot: I have my phone back, with everything in tact and fixed.
It feels really good to be able to sms people and to complain to sylvie about my day, crap about with fanny, and laugh at Wy on her funny guy who likes her, but cannot be my new year resolution candidate. I really miss sms-ing...
....My vision's clouding from OD-ing chocolate. Jasmine is right, it's a torture, and I don't think I will be eating any chocolate soon. Till tomorrow then, after my class, after I settle my timetabling issues (I have a fews plans to get my way... hopefully they'll work out), and after I drop by the French school to get the course schedule. Good night.
Ps: looking on the bright side, I have budgetting done(my commencement of my frugal(to me) lifestyle), and my room's packed and a trip to pulau NTU to look forward to.
P.ps: Gossip girl coming back.... that's always a reason to be glad.
P.pPs: I'm getting really guilty not spending enough time with tongtong.. Shall walk him tomorrow...
Sometime soon (hopefully when I'm happier and less dizzy), jeanie
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