It's a new year. but i don't feel it...

Greetings...

Actually, I didn't know what to write. The past days -> weeks -> months have been so still for my mental and emotional states, drowning myself (almost literally) in dramas after books after dramas. I didn't want to think or to even do anything. I do admit that even the slightest motions sends me over the panic line. So I was hiding, pretending as usual that it is all going to go away. Wanting so desperately to have the lines and lives of fictional characters drown the overwhelming voices that of my own.

But, i guess, the utter lack of conclusion and resolution of the currently PAST year, sets the alarm bells ringing so loud that even intentional neglect gave way.

I re-read my older posts, especially the ones from the founding of this blog. I realized that though the grammar was atrocious (well, this post isn't SAT grammar proved too), the words were vivid, light and conversational; though the audience is non-existent. Most importantly, there was optimism and hope underlying the change I thought 2009 was going to bring out in me. Evidently, somewhere along the course of 2009, it changed. The resolutions, which once seemed achievable and practical, became redundant and beyond myself.

Summing up 2009...
- I took French for about 3 months. And can't remember beyond "my name is"

- I started with a strict cash and study regime, finish the anti-procrastination book - NOW HABIT, but slacked off so badly. I nearly didn't finish my exams in my 1st year, and have been "stale" since my Hols started. AND is still HEAVILY IN DEBT.

- I wanted to leave behind my depressed soul, but ended up back in the couch of my psychologist office with anxiety issues. and OD-ing on more pills.

- I drank myself "silly" (Emphasized on that one time experience) and to the point which my liver system can no longer handle even just a little alcohol.

- I walked tong pretty often in Jan, but barely exercised once a week now.

- I went to Phuket twice, seeking for a path or way that I could actually live with myself.

... ... ... ... ... on a lighter note

- I took up pottery, because of a korean drama and almost wasted it away when I stopped for 3 months during school. But am picking it up again.

- I decided to go to the states for my BA. Then worked quite hard. Then changed my mind.

- I did my SATs and re-studied some subjects. did okay in the exams. And forgot my grammar rules once more. So much for hard work.

- I discovered that some in my class have been progressing far more than me in the arts field, and realized that other having a hurt pride. I don't care.

- I confirmed that emotions that borders on the L-word, scares the hell out of me. And I still can't handle it.

- I found new flicks of interest in philosophy and century-old quarrels between old dead foggys. But honestly, worry and don't know how long they will last.

- I didn't go to the museums (only once I think) and honestly, don't feel that I missed out on much.

- I realized that I DETEST project planning. And am truly bad at it. With ridiculous fears of emailing and calling strangers.

I listened to purely English (American) music for about 4 months, switched back to Chinese for about 2 months. Mixed them up on itunes for the rest of the time. And now is on Classical Music. (YES, jeanie is listening to classical music. I'm starting with Brahms)

....... some more facts.

- I removed 2 wisdom tooth, both during examination periods. and have just one more to go.

- I know for a fact that I won't return to LASALLE for another year. not even OVER MY DEAD BODY. If I die, just burn me or something, don't ever let me near that school again.

- I think I want to go to Hong Kong for my BA. but just don't know how, and if I would change my mind.

And that was 2009. Unlike the way I was last year, somewhat obsessed with reading twilight (which I cannot respect at all now), optimistic, hopeful and convicted; I start 2010 with very little confidence and much more wariness about the changes and decisions to be made.

PS: the only thing same and constant is that my phone is STILL spoiled. No, it's not the same old Sony Ericsson one. The new nokia one cannot be switched on, and is yet to be sent for servicing.