Well, that all the work i've done. (ALL = ONLY)
and as the title says... if dreams and plans come true... now where can i find that star to wish on...
January 9, 2010
If dreams would come true..
Well, that all the work i've done. (ALL = ONLY)
and as the title says... if dreams and plans come true... now where can i find that star to wish on...
終於找到對下個星期可以期待的事了。
雖然，很不正確、更和校務一點關係都沒有。但很久沒有對任何事有所期待了。有個寄託總比沒有好。暑假也快過完了，不用想也知道下星期開始日子一定很難熬。 只希望小小的 ‘期待’ 能化為助力了。
還是在放空身心，這幾天工作效率還是底到可悲。看書，看戲ing 的把自己藏在別人的故事中，似乎不很明智。但卻還沒找到面對的勇氣。
閒著無聊竟然唐詩宋詞拿出來抄了幾遍。
李煜 相見歡
林花謝春紅，太匆匆。
奈何朝來寒雨夜來風。
胭脂淚，留人醉，幾來重。
自是人生長恨水長東。
顧夐 訴衷情
永夜拋人何處去？絕來音。
香閣掩，眉斂，月將沈。
怎忍不相尋，怨孤衾。
換我心，為你心，始知相憶深。
原來字抄幾遍真的能背起來的。 回想 O's 有沒有用心抄課文呢？
怎麼又後悔起來了？也想起以前學校也會有書法比賽。中三那年，覺得做這麼無味的事很無聊，又浪費時間，所以亂寫了一通。其他同學卻好認真喔。最後，那樣輕浮的我被老師訓了一頓，說我做事態度不正確。（很感謝那老師喔，有那麼多老師也只有她發現了我的弊病，也曾使著糾正。）原來，我從那時候就錯得離譜。現在補救還來得及嗎？
怎麼會有 ‘ 少年不努力，老大徒傷悲’ 的感覺？我有那麼老了嗎？ 短短的人生中盡是遺憾，做人好像蠻失敗的。。
今晚，胸口好像被過往壓得喘不過氣了。
於1月09日漆黑的深夜，真。
雖然，很不正確、更和校務一點關係都沒有。但很久沒有對任何事有所期待了。有個寄託總比沒有好。暑假也快過完了，不用想也知道下星期開始日子一定很難熬。 只希望小小的 ‘期待’ 能化為助力了。
還是在放空身心，這幾天工作效率還是底到可悲。看書，看戲ing 的把自己藏在別人的故事中，似乎不很明智。但卻還沒找到面對的勇氣。
閒著無聊竟然唐詩宋詞拿出來抄了幾遍。
李煜 相見歡
林花謝春紅，太匆匆。
奈何朝來寒雨夜來風。
胭脂淚，留人醉，幾來重。
自是人生長恨水長東。
顧夐 訴衷情
永夜拋人何處去？絕來音。
香閣掩，眉斂，月將沈。
怎忍不相尋，怨孤衾。
換我心，為你心，始知相憶深。
原來字抄幾遍真的能背起來的。 回想 O's 有沒有用心抄課文呢？
怎麼又後悔起來了？也想起以前學校也會有書法比賽。中三那年，覺得做這麼無味的事很無聊，又浪費時間，所以亂寫了一通。其他同學卻好認真喔。最後，那樣輕浮的我被老師訓了一頓，說我做事態度不正確。（很感謝那老師喔，有那麼多老師也只有她發現了我的弊病，也曾使著糾正。）原來，我從那時候就錯得離譜。現在補救還來得及嗎？
怎麼會有 ‘ 少年不努力，老大徒傷悲’ 的感覺？我有那麼老了嗎？ 短短的人生中盡是遺憾，做人好像蠻失敗的。。
今晚，胸口好像被過往壓得喘不過氣了。
於1月09日漆黑的深夜，真。
January 6, 2010
如果。爱
有一天，柏拉图问他的老师什么是爱情，他的老师就叫他先到麦田里，摘一棵全麦田里最大最金黄的的麦穗。期间只能摘一次，并且只可以向前走，不能回头。
柏拉图于是照着老师的说话做。结果，他两手空空的走出麦田。老师问他为什么摘不到，他说：“因为只能摘一次，又不能走回头路，其间即使见到一棵又大又金黄的，因为不知前面是否有更好，所以没有摘； 走到前面时，又发觉总不及之前见到的好，原来麦田里最大最金黄的麦穗，早就错过了；于是，我便什么也摘不到。”老师说：“这就是爱情。”
柏拉图于是照着老师的说话做。结果，他两手空空的走出麦田。老师问他为什么摘不到，他说：“因为只能摘一次，又不能走回头路，其间即使见到一棵又大又金黄的，因为不知前面是否有更好，所以没有摘； 走到前面时，又发觉总不及之前见到的好，原来麦田里最大最金黄的麦穗，早就错过了；于是，我便什么也摘不到。”老师说：“这就是爱情。”
Part of being Truthful....
Ps: this is meaningless blogging. So just by-pass this post. After I was done, I realized it is a manifestation of my escapism desires. Every word in this piece - forced out to waste time...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I like the heading of this post: "... being truthful". But in my head, a slight analytical voice did a mini thesis on the practical impossibilities of being truthful in a blog entry.
"People might find it. It might work against me. Sometimes, the truth is bad.... "
However, objections aside, I will tell you that i'm now typing this entry on my bed and listening to my Brahms 1st symphony (which I'm trying to learn to appreciate, but cannot be sure if the tunes are agreeable because of itself or its relations to my latest obsession with Nodame Cantabile ) with my NEW denon $100 +++++ earpiece(which i'm absolutely in love with).
Truthfully speaking, I should not be on my bed. Should not be typing this entry. Instead, I should be at work, typing the proposals - which have yet to be done.
But, in truth again, it often happens and while it seemingly works against my resolution to not waste my life away, like the normal weak-willed human being I am, I enjoy the "should nots" in life. Then again, I regret my actions the moment after.
The past days have been eventful, but not productive. I have been living, but not happy.
There was one group meeting, with some interruptions and alot of "psycho-ing" from the lecturers; but irregardless of the lecturers' presence, nothing have resulted from the 150mins I've spent with the group. Disgust should just not be considered as a result, just a typical by-product.
Then, there was party-planning and some shopping with darlings. Being together is enjoyable and such times more rare than they should be. But i'm afraid that i've grown immune to the preps and party excitement. I've grown to give customary reactions and energy when doing certain things, irregardless of how I feel. I fear pauses, silence or even short lapses between conversations. Fear that eventually sets auto-pilot on my crescendos in my actions and words.
I wonder if that could change this year???
Well, I should start on those work. But I know I'll sleep. So much for being truthful. Taking my meds and sleeping in. The truth hurts.
Till then again. Jeanie
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I like the heading of this post: "... being truthful". But in my head, a slight analytical voice did a mini thesis on the practical impossibilities of being truthful in a blog entry.
"People might find it. It might work against me. Sometimes, the truth is bad.... "
However, objections aside, I will tell you that i'm now typing this entry on my bed and listening to my Brahms 1st symphony (which I'm trying to learn to appreciate, but cannot be sure if the tunes are agreeable because of itself or its relations to my latest obsession with Nodame Cantabile ) with my NEW denon $100 +++++ earpiece(which i'm absolutely in love with).
Truthfully speaking, I should not be on my bed. Should not be typing this entry. Instead, I should be at work, typing the proposals - which have yet to be done.
But, in truth again, it often happens and while it seemingly works against my resolution to not waste my life away, like the normal weak-willed human being I am, I enjoy the "should nots" in life. Then again, I regret my actions the moment after.
The past days have been eventful, but not productive. I have been living, but not happy.
There was one group meeting, with some interruptions and alot of "psycho-ing" from the lecturers; but irregardless of the lecturers' presence, nothing have resulted from the 150mins I've spent with the group. Disgust should just not be considered as a result, just a typical by-product.
Then, there was party-planning and some shopping with darlings. Being together is enjoyable and such times more rare than they should be. But i'm afraid that i've grown immune to the preps and party excitement. I've grown to give customary reactions and energy when doing certain things, irregardless of how I feel. I fear pauses, silence or even short lapses between conversations. Fear that eventually sets auto-pilot on my crescendos in my actions and words.
I wonder if that could change this year???
Well, I should start on those work. But I know I'll sleep. So much for being truthful. Taking my meds and sleeping in. The truth hurts.
Till then again. Jeanie
RE-resolutions 2010
It like the things that I ought to do.. But ultimately remain undone. I've been meaning to edit my new year resolutions.
There was something missing from the five previous ones.
I want courage to accept change and move on.
I want love, so that I'll won't be alone or selfish. But wanting love for companionship seems like the ultimate selfish act. And from some point, I actually like being selfish. Well.. This one remains conflicting..
The missing resolution is TRUTH. I used to think there are two truths, one that you know in your heart, the other - the one you portray to others. But over the past years, the boundaries of the two have blurred to an inseparable extent that I believe the lies I tell and became deluded about the falsities of my life. So this year, I'm going to not tell lies.. until I discover the meaning of being true to myself, i'm going to stick with being truthful to myself for now.
And the last two, more accurately should be PURPOSE and LIFE.
I'm interested in my purpose, so I'll dabble around to search for it.
As for life, I think I want to continue living. (Note: this is a choice, not a granted situation) So I won't destroy it any further. and I'll not waste it by missing lessons.
There was something missing from the five previous ones.
I want courage to accept change and move on.
I want love, so that I'll won't be alone or selfish. But wanting love for companionship seems like the ultimate selfish act. And from some point, I actually like being selfish. Well.. This one remains conflicting..
The missing resolution is TRUTH. I used to think there are two truths, one that you know in your heart, the other - the one you portray to others. But over the past years, the boundaries of the two have blurred to an inseparable extent that I believe the lies I tell and became deluded about the falsities of my life. So this year, I'm going to not tell lies.. until I discover the meaning of being true to myself, i'm going to stick with being truthful to myself for now.
And the last two, more accurately should be PURPOSE and LIFE.
I'm interested in my purpose, so I'll dabble around to search for it.
As for life, I think I want to continue living. (Note: this is a choice, not a granted situation) So I won't destroy it any further. and I'll not waste it by missing lessons.
January 1, 2010
2010: just some simple resolutions...
Ps: I missed my old blogging style, it used to flow much better than and is more narrative, so it actually made sense to me - reading it again 1 year later. Well next year if i'm reading this again and cannot understand this. Just try to imagine.
Okay, to not complicate matters and come up with resolutions that won't be fufilled I'm only going to have 5 simple simple ones (I.E abstract). I'm pretty sure the '09 ones are too drastic and expect myself to drop my spots entirely too fast. and I realized that I actually liked some of my spots.
1. COURAGE
- To pursue and move forward.
- To face whatever. Come what may.
- To make, but not repeat, mistakes.
- To NOT REGRET!
2. LOVE.
- in whatever ways.
- and for tong.
- and for daddy, mummy
- To love myself and find some love for others too.
- and be contactable. (trying this again!)
3. CHERISH
- to reduce self-disruptive behaviors
- to attend classes.
- to exercise.
4 INTEREST
- To try and dabble all I want.
- To write.
5. to be thought of.... for now maybe to WORK HARD
and that's who I want to be in 2010. I'm trying a hope, but no obligation, system this year.
-----------------------------------------
Not sure where this fits, but top on my want list of 2010 is a good pair of headphones. I just can't learn to save $$...
Happy New Year to you if you are actually reading this.
I'm not listing it in here today, but my to-do list is extending infinitely. I'm not sleeping on that for the first night of the new year. But hopefully (to almost zero chance) I'll get up early tomorrow.
Maybe I'll tell you what happen tomorrow. If anything happens.
Till then, Jeanie
Okay, to not complicate matters and come up with resolutions that won't be fufilled I'm only going to have 5 simple simple ones (I.E abstract). I'm pretty sure the '09 ones are too drastic and expect myself to drop my spots entirely too fast. and I realized that I actually liked some of my spots.
1. COURAGE
- To pursue and move forward.
- To face whatever. Come what may.
- To make, but not repeat, mistakes.
- To NOT REGRET!
2. LOVE.
- in whatever ways.
- and for tong.
- and for daddy, mummy
- To love myself and find some love for others too.
- and be contactable. (trying this again!)
3. CHERISH
- to reduce self-disruptive behaviors
- to attend classes.
- to exercise.
4 INTEREST
- To try and dabble all I want.
- To write.
5. to be thought of.... for now maybe to WORK HARD
and that's who I want to be in 2010. I'm trying a hope, but no obligation, system this year.
-----------------------------------------
Not sure where this fits, but top on my want list of 2010 is a good pair of headphones. I just can't learn to save $$...
Happy New Year to you if you are actually reading this.
I'm not listing it in here today, but my to-do list is extending infinitely. I'm not sleeping on that for the first night of the new year. But hopefully (to almost zero chance) I'll get up early tomorrow.
Maybe I'll tell you what happen tomorrow. If anything happens.
Till then, Jeanie
It's a new year. but i don't feel it...
Greetings...
Actually, I didn't know what to write. The past days -> weeks -> months have been so still for my mental and emotional states, drowning myself (almost literally) in dramas after books after dramas. I didn't want to think or to even do anything. I do admit that even the slightest motions sends me over the panic line. So I was hiding, pretending as usual that it is all going to go away. Wanting so desperately to have the lines and lives of fictional characters drown the overwhelming voices that of my own.
But, i guess, the utter lack of conclusion and resolution of the currently PAST year, sets the alarm bells ringing so loud that even intentional neglect gave way.
I re-read my older posts, especially the ones from the founding of this blog. I realized that though the grammar was atrocious (well, this post isn't SAT grammar proved too), the words were vivid, light and conversational; though the audience is non-existent. Most importantly, there was optimism and hope underlying the change I thought 2009 was going to bring out in me. Evidently, somewhere along the course of 2009, it changed. The resolutions, which once seemed achievable and practical, became redundant and beyond myself.
Summing up 2009...
- I took French for about 3 months. And can't remember beyond "my name is"
- I started with a strict cash and study regime, finish the anti-procrastination book - NOW HABIT, but slacked off so badly. I nearly didn't finish my exams in my 1st year, and have been "stale" since my Hols started. AND is still HEAVILY IN DEBT.
- I wanted to leave behind my depressed soul, but ended up back in the couch of my psychologist office with anxiety issues. and OD-ing on more pills.
- I drank myself "silly" (Emphasized on that one time experience) and to the point which my liver system can no longer handle even just a little alcohol.
- I walked tong pretty often in Jan, but barely exercised once a week now.
- I went to Phuket twice, seeking for a path or way that I could actually live with myself.
... ... ... ... ... on a lighter note
- I took up pottery, because of a korean drama and almost wasted it away when I stopped for 3 months during school. But am picking it up again.
- I decided to go to the states for my BA. Then worked quite hard. Then changed my mind.
- I did my SATs and re-studied some subjects. did okay in the exams. And forgot my grammar rules once more. So much for hard work.
- I discovered that some in my class have been progressing far more than me in the arts field, and realized that other having a hurt pride. I don't care.
- I confirmed that emotions that borders on the L-word, scares the hell out of me. And I still can't handle it.
- I found new flicks of interest in philosophy and century-old quarrels between old dead foggys. But honestly, worry and don't know how long they will last.
- I didn't go to the museums (only once I think) and honestly, don't feel that I missed out on much.
- I realized that I DETEST project planning. And am truly bad at it. With ridiculous fears of emailing and calling strangers.
I listened to purely English (American) music for about 4 months, switched back to Chinese for about 2 months. Mixed them up on itunes for the rest of the time. And now is on Classical Music. (YES, jeanie is listening to classical music. I'm starting with Brahms)
....... some more facts.
- I removed 2 wisdom tooth, both during examination periods. and have just one more to go.
- I know for a fact that I won't return to LASALLE for another year. not even OVER MY DEAD BODY. If I die, just burn me or something, don't ever let me near that school again.
- I think I want to go to Hong Kong for my BA. but just don't know how, and if I would change my mind.
And that was 2009. Unlike the way I was last year, somewhat obsessed with reading twilight (which I cannot respect at all now), optimistic, hopeful and convicted; I start 2010 with very little confidence and much more wariness about the changes and decisions to be made.
PS: the only thing same and constant is that my phone is STILL spoiled. No, it's not the same old Sony Ericsson one. The new nokia one cannot be switched on, and is yet to be sent for servicing.
Actually, I didn't know what to write. The past days -> weeks -> months have been so still for my mental and emotional states, drowning myself (almost literally) in dramas after books after dramas. I didn't want to think or to even do anything. I do admit that even the slightest motions sends me over the panic line. So I was hiding, pretending as usual that it is all going to go away. Wanting so desperately to have the lines and lives of fictional characters drown the overwhelming voices that of my own.
But, i guess, the utter lack of conclusion and resolution of the currently PAST year, sets the alarm bells ringing so loud that even intentional neglect gave way.
I re-read my older posts, especially the ones from the founding of this blog. I realized that though the grammar was atrocious (well, this post isn't SAT grammar proved too), the words were vivid, light and conversational; though the audience is non-existent. Most importantly, there was optimism and hope underlying the change I thought 2009 was going to bring out in me. Evidently, somewhere along the course of 2009, it changed. The resolutions, which once seemed achievable and practical, became redundant and beyond myself.
Summing up 2009...
- I took French for about 3 months. And can't remember beyond "my name is"
- I started with a strict cash and study regime, finish the anti-procrastination book - NOW HABIT, but slacked off so badly. I nearly didn't finish my exams in my 1st year, and have been "stale" since my Hols started. AND is still HEAVILY IN DEBT.
- I wanted to leave behind my depressed soul, but ended up back in the couch of my psychologist office with anxiety issues. and OD-ing on more pills.
- I drank myself "silly" (Emphasized on that one time experience) and to the point which my liver system can no longer handle even just a little alcohol.
- I walked tong pretty often in Jan, but barely exercised once a week now.
- I went to Phuket twice, seeking for a path or way that I could actually live with myself.
... ... ... ... ... on a lighter note
- I took up pottery, because of a korean drama and almost wasted it away when I stopped for 3 months during school. But am picking it up again.
- I decided to go to the states for my BA. Then worked quite hard. Then changed my mind.
- I did my SATs and re-studied some subjects. did okay in the exams. And forgot my grammar rules once more. So much for hard work.
- I discovered that some in my class have been progressing far more than me in the arts field, and realized that other having a hurt pride. I don't care.
- I confirmed that emotions that borders on the L-word, scares the hell out of me. And I still can't handle it.
- I found new flicks of interest in philosophy and century-old quarrels between old dead foggys. But honestly, worry and don't know how long they will last.
- I didn't go to the museums (only once I think) and honestly, don't feel that I missed out on much.
- I realized that I DETEST project planning. And am truly bad at it. With ridiculous fears of emailing and calling strangers.
I listened to purely English (American) music for about 4 months, switched back to Chinese for about 2 months. Mixed them up on itunes for the rest of the time. And now is on Classical Music. (YES, jeanie is listening to classical music. I'm starting with Brahms)
....... some more facts.
- I removed 2 wisdom tooth, both during examination periods. and have just one more to go.
- I know for a fact that I won't return to LASALLE for another year. not even OVER MY DEAD BODY. If I die, just burn me or something, don't ever let me near that school again.
- I think I want to go to Hong Kong for my BA. but just don't know how, and if I would change my mind.
And that was 2009. Unlike the way I was last year, somewhat obsessed with reading twilight (which I cannot respect at all now), optimistic, hopeful and convicted; I start 2010 with very little confidence and much more wariness about the changes and decisions to be made.
PS: the only thing same and constant is that my phone is STILL spoiled. No, it's not the same old Sony Ericsson one. The new nokia one cannot be switched on, and is yet to be sent for servicing.
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