Running out of steam and freezing.

借著故事中的悲劇，讓自己流淚。
但落幕了，眼眶中的濕氣卻還在。
原來，淚一直都是為自己流的。
跟別人說的話，一直也只是再重複的說服自己。
原來，我才是那個最不相信自己的人。

人離開後，天變冷了。
天氣不似預期。

Winter Hauls....

I'm supposed to be doing my prep for my ethnics paper... But I can't seem to stop myself from google-ing: "Camel Coats" or "Angora Sweaters"... or to stop running (2 steps) to my wardrobe and admiring my new winter hauls...Maybe Kahee was right when she said I'll be wearing Kiddo (the name of my NEW WHITE ANGORA THROW in the hall.... It's called kiddo, because it's like my baby lambskin I wear to cover my wolfish-ness.. but more simply, cause its high maintenance like a kid... (it sheds more than Tong does....)
Though HK don't have winter and is not even cold.... :( I'm hoping that the temps will start falling so I can wear my new coats out... Though I really swore I was going to get Cool Black coats.. I ended up with a Camel cute one, with a Little Prince cut.. Which I just realized now that I don't know how to match... and my trusty Pull and Bear leather jacket... (which i bought in sep.. but have not worn)

Anyways... my winter jacket collections!!!!!! and new bags.... (YES I SHOP WHEN I"M STRESSED) ps: the pink bucket baggie is my 21st b'day pressie from dad. (though i thought too that my lasik was supposed to be the pressie.. but who's really counting when i'm not complaining:))))

I'm getting use to watching the sun come up from my windows these days. I'm very awake and "est tres tranquil" at this time.

Everything in its time, seems like a far too ancient thing for me to say. But facing the blank state of my current life (you can pretty much figure out, how active I've been by how frequent the posts are. So since my prev post was since my first canto test and my 2nd one's upcoming next week, it's clear that Jeanie, here, have been sitting out on life once more).

Anyways, I was saying.. my blank life. is well BLANK.

But the improvement is at least I work (a little), and I'm (slowly) embracing my POOR french and hatred for group work. And gradually easing into philosophy. I found this amazing chapter in a philo writing that's titled: It's Sunday night and I have a philosophy paper due Monday morning. See philosophers can have a good sense of humor and be VERY GROUNDED in reality.

I'm digressing. But actually, I pretty much have nothing else to say. Just like I have nothing to say to all my acquaintances. I'm working on that.

I did my oracle readings last weekend. And the same cards came up. For Love: apparently I still have too much baggage to start anything. I did a pretty accurate reading for my roomie too. Well, its good to know that I'm still connected there.

PS: Hkies ARE NUTS! They're having hall fest just one week before exams and submissions... So every night now I hide in the library or pretend i'm part of the furnishings in my room. Why did I think I'll ever fit in?

J

Letters to myself.

Dear Jeanie,

I cannot believe you missed your cantonese test today at 1pm. I'm sure we're both well aware of its 20% weightage and in view of everything your best shot of all the future assignments in this course for you to keep that C instead of a D. Yes, we are struggling to even maintain a C.

You could tell me that you fell asleep at 9.30am, with full intention to wake up 2 hours later for the final revision of the materials before the 1pm test. But you and I, both, know that you gave up long before you went to bed.

You gave up, so instead of spending the night hard at work memorizing the grammars of the language, you watch cycles after cycles of America's Next Top Model (none of which you remember now). You spent the time listening to the new Taylor Swift album, surfing through the meanings of the lyrics, when you should be focusing on the the meaning of Cantonese.

Subconsciously, you made the test too insignificant to register. And you can't even plead first-time offense. Because you've done it before. In Sec School. In Lasalle. When you simply can't or well, didn't study for the papers, you damn well know is important. So you sleep, hide, pop pills, whatever allows you runaway from being a responsible person. Then, you waste good, hard-earn money to bluff a MC and get away.

But you know what. You're 21 now. And away in HK.
I did not bring you here just for the grades, we could that anywhere.
I brought you here for a fresh start, and to learn from scratch how to be a person. GOOD person.

I'm sorry you have to learn this at 21. But, we're not going to the doctors' this time.
We're not lying to the teachers. I wanted to let you suffer by losing those grades (and possible fail this course. Yes, I am that serious)

But Kahee is right, I should grovel. Grovelling will be the perfect punishment that will stick in your muddy little nuthead and deter future incidents like this.

So you will grovel to the Cantonese lecture (who positively hates your guts) and without lies, ask for a second chance.

Do take care and follow the rules from now on. I do not wish to see another repeat incident. Just never give up. (And I've not even started on the Karate.)

Farewell for now. But I'll be watching..

Best. yourself. (better self)

I always thought whenever something comes up. Even if everyone's out of reach, I could type it out and share it. But this time, even that seems out of reach.

I would watch really old dramas from the past. And tear up, just suddenly.
I would work myself into exhaustion so when I hit the bed. I sleep, unable to think.
I would go shopping. And find out later that everything I bought was black.
1 black bag. 2 black dress. 1 black skirt. 1 black hairband. 1 black leggings.
I would put up a smile and tell people nice and optimistic things, especially when all I wanna do is hole up and scream.

Now you tell me what's wrong. Cause I wouldn't let myself figure.

I'm officially 21.
meaning I can drink in virtually every country in the world LEGALLY. Drive (with a license that is). and Gamble (if you're into that kinda stuff).

And I had a great week. Suffering through abortion english drafts, and canto recordings. Great meals with KR and pals, sad meals alone. And with daddy and mummy, whom quarreled minimally this time (To my greatest joy). With extravagant meals (I REALLY MEAN IT), my virgin casino gamble and presies. (i'll post pics someday)

As for my 3 magical wishes:

One) I want to remember and carry that purposefulness, and hopefully passion, I found when I came to HK for the nexr 5 years of my life - at least.

Two) To work on that special someone. after I work on me.

Three) I'm saving for the day if the special someone or my purpose fails.

Goodbye 20 yrs old. Hello 21. and Hello my work, it's time I faced the music.

This one is for you. Ms Jasmine Poh Jing Jing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! While I can't be there in person. I wanna just let you know that I'm real glad you're turning 23. (Because you're always older than me)

And that THANKS for being there for me for the past 23 years. ME and the WHOLE WORLD are happier with you here. :))

On my way to recovery, well except my little finger that got squash by the door. Ironically, because its too light unlike all the other doors in hk. So I used too much strength to open it, and my finger got caught between it and the adjacent wall. OUCH! Trust me, it hurts. ALOT.

So since i can't type much. I'll just you know that. I didn't do well in my PHIL 1001 test - not to push the blame around but the lecturer was 20 mins late. So we had 40 mins ONLY to do the 5 short (not really) answer question and 1 50 marks essay. But after its over, the relief that came over was, just really RELIEVING.

And so I went to LKF - I thought at some point that should bring me out of my hikikomori-ness. But, I didn't have fun. And I almost bit the tongue off some guy who claimed I looked like his ex. Then, I had a epiphany. It wasn't LKF. Maybe, partly, it was the heady combination of freedom and alot of alcohol. But, mostly it was me. The sense of purpose I had. To even purposefully have fun and let go. That's the Jeanie, I am.

So, watch out world. I'm back.

P.ps: I'm still unsure, however. If the entire emo episode was caused by the pre-test stress or really just me. I would worry, if i'm not in my happy bubble.

Ps: Why is this post written on a Saturday 6.07am?? Because I had too much red wine and sake last night... That kinda overdose is keeping me high and awake :( Because my renewed purpose, brought me out to drinks and dinner with Florence and co. (girlfriend of 家佑, whom is a family friend.) I normally wouldn't have went. Considering the generation gap that they are Gen X, me Gen Y. But, I did. It surprised me that I had fun. Quite a bit of it. I like it when life surprise me. People as well. I'm invited to join them (Generation X people) to go yacht-ing (yes, that's how rich bankers in hk are) today. So I hope my adventurism will still be here after my nap. AND no matter the case, I'm just glad to say that my Canto improved LOADS. (I can finally put sentences together, albeit slowly. But, still.

Almost nothing has happened since the last post. And I haven't left my hall for the past 30 hours. And that includes not going to class, YES. including not going to my favorite, Global Ethics Class. I made that decision, half-conscious on my bed. And since my return, let's just say the past habit of missing class followed me back here. So that's not the first class I missed. Tomorrow's my first philosophy test, and most of my time is still divided between being hungry, sleeping, watching charmed and the occasional studying (very occasional).

And my roommate diagnosed my symptoms as Hikikomori. Wiki says it to be acute social withdrawal. Great. But i'm working on it.

Trying to remember why I'm here. Tap into that power of new beginnings and find that HK "Jeanie", one different and much more driven than SG "Jeanie", who is parasitic.

I've read my first blog post on Day 2 HK. Remember how it is to want and to work.

To get there in time for English Class: $685SGD
To complete Essay intro for English Class: 1 Sleepless night (REJECTED)
To enjoy a weekend in Singapore, a day at the beach with my be-loved, songs and fun: PRICELESS.

I'm in a state of residual stress from multiple acts of stupidity.

(1) the additional $685 airticket that got me back to HK on Mon 0040h. So I won't miss the compulsory English class. Apparently, I booked tickets to return on 6 OCT. (Maybe subconsciously, I didn't want to return)
Epic conversation of the month:
Unfriendly Jetstar Ground crew: "Your name is not in the system".
Jeanie: "WHAT"


(2) Insult from English teacher. "That's new better than the 'my dog ate my homework' excuse. When I said my introduction (which I did not complete) was in my Macbook which i left in Sg (and is on its way shipping to HK). Well I did deserve that. Sleeping through last night (I had fever) instead of doing my work.

(3) the piling readings and EXTRA work (I should have done). Self Explanatory.

(4) the sunburn all over me - because I didn't put enough sun block. I wonder how karate in hell would feel.. and i think i will find out in about 2 hours.

Did I regret going back home? It's hard to. Considering I had the best time I had in a while, and alot more quality conversations than I would have here.

But coming back to HK, its like everything became foreign again. Strangers I don't know (Even, my roomie seems like one), Places I don't like, a life entirely different. And somehow while I was gone, someone replaced the scorching weather, with chilly winds and murky skies.

Now, I have to channel my energies into finding productive and sociable Jeanie once more. And as of now, its extremely difficult.

P.S.: I did contemplate not going for class today. I even emailed the bitchy English teacher and was prepared to see a doctor for MC. But I went. I guess Jeanie's a better girl in HK.

To SY: Sorry I've been MIA-ing from skype of the late... two reasons: 1) not around in the room la... 2) life is too heavy on this end le... taking its toil on me... But I hope germany's treating you well!
P.S: getting a little antisocial for now... after i clear my table of readings... I'll update you again k!! but please keep me posted of your happenings!! i'll be watching out!

SEE that's my NAME on that uniform!!

Aftermath of my first karate class. Still enjoying it. Knowing myself, FOR NOW. But I really want a black belt (esp, after KR laughed so hard at my beginner white one.) And I want to be able to K.O. people. But to get a yellow one alone will take 4 months and 32 sessions...

Due to my utter refusal to work over the weekends. I have had like 2 hours of sleep. Point to self: don't EVER leave 60 pgs of readings till the last morning. Say from 1 am to 5 am.

Ps: please don't post my return to Sg on my fb!!

Sent from my iPhone

a quick note on food.

NOOOOOOO FOODDDDDDD!!!

and that two words pretty much covers my state.

Been surviving on calabee hot and spicy chips (we run through them at alarming rates) and X packets of instant noodles (which I figured is what you get when you dine out in HK cafes anyway. Only with a piece of meat - i would not eat, and more oil and salt and cost more).

It's a myth that HK has good food. Good. If you're a tourist and have $$$ and since time=$$... More $$$ Not for struggling full time students who have no time to travel or $$ to spare.

Imagine for a plate of fried INSTANT NOODLEs. you pay 48HKD. Yes. that's about $8.20. Exactly. We're not even talking about dim sum.

And each of that nice dessert (which are hard to find, unless you hunt down the famous ones which will take like avg 45 mins travelling time to GET THERE alone). cost avg: $35 HKD. about $6.75.

I miss laksa. Hainanese Chicken Rice (I had this suedo thai version here, cost like about $12 SGD and SUCKS). Tofu. VEGETABLE. chili and that nice Fish and Chips... and proper Curry!!

Falling off the radar...

this post is one of those that has been hanging behind my head for a few days. And it gets less entertaining. Because, I'm not a entertainer afterall.

It seems that the only thing I do regularly these days is: my weekly visit to LFK - where I meet a variety (in forms, shapes and nationalities) of jerks, like those who ask you for your number on their upgraded iphone 3GS with their girlfriend as the background picture (tong's on mine :D). My lesson learnt: clubbing's way more fun when you're slightly 'gone'. There is less motivation for punching those scumbags around you. And if you still do feel like doing it, you'll probably not have the strength to.

Then I sang and sang in the Hong Kong version of Kbox (Neway - they have like 4 different colored membership card for you to choose), with CT. We were alone. Because I really didn't want to spend anymore time in MC's presence. (3 hours a week in Marketing and the upcoming project time should IS ALREADY way over my tolerance limit). Nico, the senior, was not free. [It's a general feeling that while CT leaves me depressed and drained. MC just makes me speechless and perpetually shivering in his weirdness.]

All that being said. My recent state of 'alone' (my roomie who's also always in the room, not counted that is) brings me to a certain revelation.

Eventually when the dust settles, I realize that I have not made enough 'friend's. Friends being those you can hang out with, without the air of awkwardness suffocating you. I have like great counter-examples. Eg. JH the korean dude, whom proves to be the best study partner I can have. To avoid conversation, I've practically buried my head in the books. From the corner of my eyes, I saw like the 7 times he wiped his Mac screen with his burberry hankie (once every time he leaves the table and to my dismay - comes back).

Somehow, joining the AISEC club (which give us global internship and exchange opportunities blah blah) don't quite appeal to me. I've been to the recruitment talk, where they compile a list of numbers and repeatedly throw them in your face over 2 hours. I left, not understanding what the org. does, at all. During the talk, I met this guy, Ross. a.k.a by me "G"ROSS! Someone who managed to throw himself in my space repeatedly over 2 hours. (very touchy AND UGLY) And with his terrible english, I could not understand what he spoke, nothing at all , after the 3 hour interaction we had. Well, maybe he's a perfect fit for AISEC.
I've been to their interview, where they ask you to discuss global poverty, compare freedom of speech in Singapore & PRC, each with 2 min time limits. Then, I've met this guy doing Business and Law, this one with good English, he acquired in his 1 year in UK where he did his A Levels. He said "the Hong Kong A Levels is insanely hard, so I go to UK". (There's like a second round 2 group hour interview. and 3rd round....)

All these, plus the loads of students from international schools (which charges 10 000 SGD per academic year), my perception of hk-ies is hollowing out. And everything starts look really empty. Like the soulless dance moves I see at LKF. [Though I'm not really complaining about having these intl school Hkie Brats in my groupwork. Like the practical hypocrite I am, Good English is always welcomed.]

And I've been missing my karate lessons which clashes with every other thing like interviews and mooncake hols.

My social circles are closing in and overlapping. People from Sg (I got to know more at the ASEAN Compulsory Gathering).

And finally the root of the problem. My delusional state. I keep telling people that I'm from the A Levels stream. AND THEN I got my diploma. Not quite the truth. Repeat that: NOT THE TRUTH. (Each time I tell people of my past, I drift further from the truth.) There's a certain irrational oppression I feel. Ok. I'm not even half as confident as I look.

I thought leaving Sg, would mean leaving that part of me behind. That inferior, irrational delusional part. But problems, like cancerous cells or equivalent past, don't go away because you've shifted to another country. Should have figured that one out, since Airline companies are obviously not making more money than the hospitals.

Officially EMO-ing. (More like contemplating the implications and solutions to my delusional and multiple sides of the false truth. But still)

It is becoming really hard to live outside of my mind. ESP when my 6 credits Philosophy class is about Descrates (at least the parts I agree with, being the non-GOD parts)'s theory that you don't know if your past is true. Because, the only thing you can be sure of is the thoughts that are in your mind now.

And in a escapism streak yesterday. I finished the whole 13 episodes of Dollhouse Season 2. Doll house - based on a theory that your brain can be reprogrammed into an entirely different person. We're talking muscle memory, personality, memory, beliefs, even glandular reactions.

And I woke up at 3 pm today. 6 hours after I woke, the sky, outside my window, fell into complete darkness that seems strange to my body perceptions.

The 'truth' seems like a intangible, fragile concept. I can't be certain.

I'm hiding for a while. See you back in SG.

~ Back to Global Ethics Tutorial Prep. French test on Thurs.

Settled in.

The previous entry is. Discontinued. Because I have to live in the present.

The present: with another 10 pages of Climate Change Readings, 3 Chapters of Marketing, A Source-sharing presentation carrying 5% on Monday, French Exercise and Memorizing, 1 Descartes Mediation to do. At 1:30AM of Sunday.

KR reminded me of why I came to HKU yesterday. I enjoy working hard now.

Voluntary Work to distribute Mooncake to Elderly at 9.30AM this morning.

And I'm still trying hard to forget about last Thursday.

And despite the slightly mellowness of this sentences.
剝離了回憶 開始尋找孤獨
找到孤獨 就不怕寂寞了
I'm oddly comforted in it.

Ps: I'm running a fever. But can't make it to the closed clinics on Sunday.

It's a long post. But you'll probably laugh a little.

this is what you have missed on the last week of my life.
What did I miss in yours?

foreword: Why do I blog? This question appeared as a thought bubble in my shampoo-ing head in the bath cubicle just 15 mins ago. (Ok, too much info and introduction). Like the many thoughts and happenings that occurred over the past few days, the original intent of this activity have faded away in the crowded mess. Perhaps for writing practice, to update all of you back home? But more importantly, because strings of words dance around in my head. Screaming at me for an outlet. And because, the words have reappeared. I'm writing this post.

But this post of memorable points is not going to be done chronologically, since memories don't appear that way (at least I think so). Instead, the order of which they come up, while they might be subjected to many other conditions, should tell you more about what I think of them. (Actually, its because I believe that I'll be doing enough points organization and REFUSE to do the same for my blog)

1. Why I have typed like over 200 words of "words" and have not told you anything of consequence? Because, I'm delaying my impending research on "abortion" which is the topic I'll probably have to write on for my ACADEMIC ENG FOR ARTS STUDENT class. And the revision of french numbers (1 - 20) AND to GO THROUGH MY CANTO CLASS 2 - BECAUSE I MISSED IT. (more elaboration later)

2.I've been drinking. QUITE A BIT. exactly how often? On Wed (just 2 bottles of Heineken - note: I can't tell the taste difference between beers, but just have a preference for this brand since that SUCCESSFUL MARKETING ad by Jennifer Aniston) and like on Fri night - like just half a bottle of the 380 ml Gordon Gin with some 27% Korean Soju, 0% Margarita Mix and 1 can of Heineken. Why? (See Below)

3. To further elaborate on pt. 1&2. I need to update you on this girl. and probably on my roomie, and others I've met. Here Goes.

CT, Age: 20 going 21. Nationality: Singaporean - Exchange Student from Monash U. Met during hall fire drill. Further acquainted at Intl Hall Orientation (85% were ah tiongs) and lunch on mon.
My biggest mistake in this meeting? Telling her so much about my life and the people I know in HK. Telling her untruths about my life and about how I actually feel about her. Visiting her room that fateful Wednesday afternoon. Having her take away my control over my life as she enters my room, or pushes her way into my appointments with others. (... You know what I'll stop here. Because everything seems like a mistake. You get my point) ----
Because I HAVE to add this: She KEEPs saying these "I'm a crybaby", "You know, Jason (her Boyfriend), "I need more guy friends".
We spent like mon lunch, wed 3-10pm, fri dinner, sat 4 -10pm, sun 3 - 5pm. and she now wants tomorrow lunch together. I said ok. Because I didn't want to add to the list of lies. Though the biggest one is that I said like her (if we met in Sg, I wouldn't give her a minute of my day. She reminds me of Esther Chew - self explanatory).

KR, Age: 19. Nationality: Korean. Well, she's my roomie :)
We're in a "it's complicated relationship" on fb. But I'm not sure if she understands that I meant it as a joke. (So yes, I'm abit worried that she might get the wrong idea about my sexual orientation)
She writes welcome signs and paste them on the door - "Welcome Jeanie. Before you enter, (1) Throw away emo Jeanie. (2) return to a state of lovely jeanie. ..." and then has a notice board on the table that tells me to "shut up". So I'm wondering if I've grown so comfortable with her I forgot to keep my boundaries. Why?
Because I came back so entirely emo on wed. We talked for like hours till 3.30 am. And she had 9.30 class the following day. So we were both dead fish in class the next day. She told me about her life, and her mine. A 99% true account of about 80% of my life. I'm like a very guarded person. But we get along, and I weirdly trust her.
Because I came back on fri on the verge of falling into the abysses of depression (caused by CT's presence, I said. But later, I came to realize that it was me all along. Though I could really do without CT adding oil to the flames.) And I wanted to brave the X number of lightnings in the thunderstorm to go get my alcohol. And with a resigned face, she puts on her jacket and shoes and went with me. And also went along with my crazy plan to visit her friend's room for a drinking sleepover. (her friend lived in a hall about 10 mins by bus, where people could stay over for free. Because security was slack). And we talked the night. KR, for some strange reason gave me the feeling that she knew the cause of my unhappiness that I couldn't voice out entirely, even with that much alcohol in my system.

RL. Age: ??. Nationality: Ah Tiong. Met because of one of my fav people on earth, Wy. Had 1 FB inbox convo, 1 phone conversation to arrange for the meetup and 1 dinner together with CT. Impression: A nice guy - who offered to help me with my canto. Dislikes his area of Civil Engineering and ,like almost everyone else, hopes to get into the FINANCE sector. Emits an aura of 怨氣 about the responsibility of being of a guy and tends toward negativity regarding his future.

MC. Age: ??. Nationality: HKie. Met through Nico Senior (aka NS), in same Marketing Class. Had 1 brief sms/fb convo, 1 lunch, 1 dinner and sightseeing around Central with NS, CT. In Arts, Jap Studies. Impression: Weird. Have an obsession with gyming, body building and have weird sense of EQ. (Because asking someone & without a reply, SHOWING off your biceps during lunch on the 2nd encounter is beyond weird and very disturbing). That was a very 無語問蒼天 moment. Also very strong 怨氣 about his future, his attractiveness to girls (Because his prev relationship ended with his gf cheating on him while he spent his deferred year in Japan.) Though I really suspect that his height (or lack of) might be a contributing factor too.

NS. Age 20 going 21. Nationality: Hkie. ... (to be continued because its late... but more actually because I'm chatting with Shuang Ying)

I wanted to blog. But there's no words coming out of this brain. It only eludes traces of emo-ness that have filled my surroundings. The unheard resonance of emptiness following each laughter.

At some point of time, I thought I would cry. But the tears never came.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll tell you the story of the passed week.

Going Home.

It's the first monday of my semester. And yesterday's optimism have seemingly evaporated. (Perhaps I've set unrealistic standards)

The test of truth have caught up with me, as Singapore with its familiarity catches up with me. How exactly and how much to reveal about my past? As I grow closer to these new friends, the growing need to fill the details of the past starts to eat me.

Am I deluded and living in a reality of my own? No philosophical deduction needed. I am and that's the reality I should know.

This is a darkest post since my arrival. But reality slammed on the gates of paradise, as I remain helpless in my attempts to study. Suddenly, it occurred. I don't know how to do this.

PS: I'll be back in Sg on the 30th night to 3rd Oct. Because I saw a GR on the streets today and felt so much like crying. I miss TT.

Slacking on a Sunday.

It really shouldn't be this way. Instead of dating Descrates (To make him more familiar to you guys, he's the one who found the Cartesian Coordinates Systems - XY Axis. ) I'm on facebook, catching back with correspondence. Listening to Hip Hop and watching Youtube. Chatting with others, about my social unfamiliarities - People here are very PROACTIVE in their friendship pursuits.

I've met quite a couple of interesting people here. Went to a bar in 蘭閨坊 last night, finally. But, not with regular drinkers and party people. But with Phoebs and Zoe, whom remind me of those I drink with back at home. People who usually don't know what to order, don't club (at all) and can't really drink. (It was their first time, and I cannot feel any more ancient. )

I enjoyed it better this way, actually. I'm a drinker at heart, but don't like the emptiness of partying. Walking around in 20 cm heels on HILLs was a great challenge after 2 drinks and 4 shots though.

Today's a quiet day. And I'm oddly uncomfortable with "alone"-ness of it. I'm in a state of evolution. Like never before, I look forward to Monday.

Ps: here's what I woke up to. (A) And the greater sea view I now have on the 7th floor. (B)


P.Ps: Tonight's laundry night.

Ok. Just a quick list of things that happen today.

1) My Brother printer came today. But it already had ink, and I bought more.
So too much ink, no printing paper and no USB adapter to connect to the Com. So much for brotherhood.

2) I slept in with an inception-alike dream. I believed I woke up and was getting already for class. But that never happened. So I guess, they missed me at LING1001. Such a egoist and a word of advice: don't think about philosophical stuff before bedtime.

3) I had a great marketing class. So far, I understood all the stuff taught. And the lecturer's great, because he promised to cut us (the non-Biz class) some slack. And I verified that with my very nice senior. PS: there's like only a handful of freshmen (me included and I think ah tiongs excluded. No other international students.) So maybe, despite not working as long hours, Sgreans are taught to plan ahead better. P.PS: Why do I feel more at home and confident in the Business module than at my own faculty class. One wonders.

4) I had tea with Nico, the nice senior from harry potter dinner. Whom being nice introduced me to her friend, in Jap Studies who is also in the same marketing class. My first official hkie guy friend. (鞭炮 please).

5) So far, counting in acquaintances I keep in contact with my friends count is at:

• Hkie: 3 x girls (2 seniors) 1 + 1 (Wy's 'friend')
• International: 4 x girls (include KR, whom I positively adore) - 2 from Korea, 2 from Taiwan. 2 x guys. 1 from Korea (whom I think is WEIRD and so KR agrees) and 1 from Norway (proven slacker, I mean who selects their modules based on their timing if they fit from tues to thurs only -.-)
  

So I'm making progress. (Slowly). And my next week's schedule is already almost packed for the dinner slot. And that doesn't even include meals with KR.

Mon: With Phoebe (from TW). It's her b'day:) Finally, THEY get older!
Tues: With Roy. Call me Jeanie the Mercat Messenger. I think that all this suspense is bad for this poor guy. He probably expects like a love letter or something. Thank you Wenying, for putting yourself in such a disadvantaged position so I can make more friends!
Wed: Hall Tutor Meeting cum dinner.
Thurs: AVAILABLE :)
Fri: The peak!!! with Nico and friends :))))))

And I get to buy my shoe rack!!!!!!!! Nico says she's taking me there!

6) I'm finally going to have dinner with my Mauritian Buddy in like about 30 mins. After much waiting and postponement.

7) The leech from Sg is finally staying away from my paths. I think she got the message when I refunded her $$ for the french textbooks she 'asked' me to get for her. And told her "I forgot why I can't buy for you" and bought the books for myself only. :) And with my narrow escape from the same compulsory English class ( I switched class because of Ling1001), she now wants to take Global Ethics too. I hope she sits on the other end of the classroom.

That's all for now. I miss you guys alot. Esp when I spray the pillow spray Jas got me. Jo's Chloe perfume and Guerlain key chain I hang on Robin. I use the Netbook, Van gave me. I wear Fanny's pearl necklace. I see the 'my room' WenYing got me. The books Syl and Bev got me. And because it always rains, the umbrella, mummy bought.

And I tear up everytime I shut down my mac and they show me a clear picture of my Tong looking at his best. That's my secret. Ssshhh.. don't tell people.

In a philosophic brain mess now. that I'm glad for all of you back home. I'm far and away. And you don't have talk me through it. My KR, unfortunately, don't share that good fortune.

BTW. She's great and really nice. (She's my best-friend yet in HK) But I think if I talk to her about this further... she might just taekwondo me. (She holds a black belt.)

Questions I'm thinking about:
1) If a sadist alien race gives us an ultimatum.
a) WE to torture a baby for 1 hour. no specifications on whether the baby dies. but he probably will.
b) they torture the whole human race for eternity till we are exterminated.
What will you choose (which is the easy part)? How do you justify that? like in 3000 words

2) How do you know a table is a table? Which is easy enough, untill you think about the concept that to 'know' something, you need to be able to trust that your brain is sound.... etc... This IS inception. How do you know its not?

3) Can laws be broken? And fit ethics in...

Amidst all these brainsucking questions... I miss the times when everything was simple.

ps: imagine facing questions of this sort in an exam. Just 60 mins. Your brain in a juicer. I enjoy this stuff. Just not so sure, my GPA will survive the fall.

Pre- 1st day at U.

Terrorism: the state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.

And that has been the very depiction of my days. Iphone terrorism.

Terrorism to be described in terms of fear, should be directly related to hope. A transition of the hopeful to the hopeless, till ultimately the resistance to hope.

Over the past 2 days, my iphone have alternated between consciousness and comatose. Every time it comes around, when I click around the screen, when I put the ear piece on and the music fortify me against the crowd. I am filled with a sense of relieve, peace and security.

Then all comes crashing when the apple screen of death resurfaces. That happened like more than 20 times. Including the one time after my 2 hour wait at Causeway Bay for my iphone servicing.

The apple "genius"-es than told me that the fault was on the SIM card, which apparently survived the previous bag flood, but is faulty, causing the iphone to self-destruct. That possibility brought me the Three3 (a hongkie version of Singtel) for a 45 mins wait. So I now have a new SIM, a new phone plan, (but no network, the activiation takes 24 hours because they need to verify my visa. In case, I am a illegal immigrant, dumb enough to get a data plan).

Later back at the Apple Store, the people gave me a replacement for my previous replacement. Because I do think they, too, are not entirely convinced that the iphone replacement(the 1st one) was faultless.

The phone hasn't died. YET. But, I'm now so afraid of bearing the hope that it will survive. That trust I used to have in APPLE and my iPhone somehow dissipated the same way the americans lost faith in their position in the Iraq war.

And back on the impending state of my first university day. I have just 1 lesson tomorrow. Though I'll be sitting for a Global Ethics Class to check out if I should switch classes. So 4 hours in total. Starting from a very civillised hour at 3pm. Though I have to get to Central to get my French course books for Thursday.

The trauma and exhaustion (it took me 1.5 hours to get back to hall tonight in the jam, it usually takes 15 mins on the same route) have sucked my anxiety and almost all of the excitement from my being. But I still carry in my heart, this tiny torch of bliss and courage that is seemingly keeping me awake.



And though the coming workload, hall activities, social pressure will erode my spirit and eventually i might lose my sense of purpose and become like the massacred statue I see everyday on my way to campus.

Nothing. Not even pesky leeches from the past that stick around in the present AND fatefully are arranged into the same compulsory class AND eagerly takes the same french modules like I do (most of you should know this one), will extinguish this flame.

PS: I'm reading Voltaire's Satire on Optimism now. And like Voltaire, I do not agree with optimism, merely a believer of creation and purpose.

And did you find what you're looking for?

I wonder how many of you reading this post, have heard my recent self-promise to do this. "When I walk into a room of strangers, I will walk towards the guys instead of the girls".

What was that about? That's the self-challenge I set for myself in a desperate bid to even out my male-female friend ratio - a product of my 10 years nunnery and 3 years radical gay-school education.

I've not done it yet. Like Singapore, there seems to be a lacking of males in social activities. And thus far, in all the orientation and dinners, I've only met like male PRCs and EMPHASIS: "Annoying" "Childish" "Unfriendly" male koreans. And one other male local, whom affectionately (Do not read into this) reminds me of Wy's HIM-BO friend. And one other male arts guy from Norway. The others, while I sometimes cross their paths and they have been helpful remain as nameless strangers.

But, as usual, I've made a handful of pretty good female friends. Already programmed for: Gossip-ready.

Back to something more present. Today, I had my 1st high table dinner. In layman terms, I had first Harry Potter Dinner. 4 long tables of food, candles and people in cool green undergraduate gowns with a speaker who sits on the "High" table role-playing Dumbledore giving opening speeches.

I've attended quite a few inspiring speeches so far. Had umpteen time when the guest speaker says things that send multiple rounds of goosebumps up my being. A green gown donned only by HKU undergraduates. (my senior added: don't wear the black graduate gown before you graduate or you never will, very 'pan-dan' hkies. But I believe her anyway) Traditions like this that I would have scorned upon in the past, are now so important to me, is probably a sign of my premature-aging.

Other things I've heard (that I can still remember):
- "Have Fun." Skip classes if you must, go travel. And try everything that catches your eye.
- "You sleep when you're dead"

All these things that I've listed and wanted, I'm pretty sure is waiting somewhere for me in this university. "ALL", probably including a relationship.

I have three years to try everything I can possibly think of.
One year to figure out my future direction
One Sem to confirm my decision of a major.
One and a half months to settle in ON MY OWN. (Before the family visits.)
And TWO DAYS till my first lesson in University.

Need a better ruler to measure the passing of time slipping by. Quickly. Yet so slowly. I swear, in this past 10 days, I did more than I did in 30 days.

And though, I'm glad to be on my own here. I miss everyone back home, including daddy and mummy who just left (to my great relief).

Ps: Here's what I'm taking this sem.
French 101
Marketing (for biz minor)
Philosophy Intro.
Academic Arts Eng.
Canto for non-canto ppl
Modernity & Trad Chinese Thot.

These are not confirmed yet though. I'm still playing around with the possibility of doing Cogn Sci. Though I just realized that I could simply be more flexible and not minor in French (just take the Lang Modules, and leave some credits for Cogn Sci.)

P.PS: I have my iphone back. Well not really. Z-noir is officially dead. Resuscitation apparently did not work and they gave me Z-noir junior as a replacement for my $2220 HKD. Z-noir Junior, however, proves to be a little off the charts. It had a vibrating seizure today. Non-stop for like 20 mins...

P.P.PS: Meet Potter the bohemian tote, a perfect match for Cab the boots.

While you were looking for yourself out there

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And then you missed me
While you were looking for yourself out there
-------------- Lyrics from Drops of Jupiter.

I think my days here struck rock bottom yesterday (Wed) and I'm hoping that it's turning up again. So if I have to suffer 1 really bad day a week for 6 days of peace and bliss. I'll sign on the dotted line anytime, though I'm not quite sure how to draw the ferris wheel of fortune on those odds.

Because, I've probably told you in pieces and I'm sleepy now. Here's a quick update on EXACTLY what happened to Z-noir (yes. that's the name of my iphone).

(Note: Timing are for easy illustration and are not accurate. Since I can't read my DKNY watch and without the i-phone, I'm time-less.)

10.42 AM: Left hall. in FULL Suit of white ruffled shirt and black pants, with my blue heels peeping out. "William" by my side holding my card holder and keys, sunglasses essential pack with cramp med, amulet and stones, Z-noir and earpiece. AND WATER BOTTLE for med.

10.52 AM: In Campus area, frantically conquering stairs, with stomach cramping and heels clicking.

10.58 AM: Found the hall, with Faculty Reception.

----> "Bag's leaking"
---> "Phone's wet", Never mind. Everything's wet.
-------> Curse and Swear at the damn open water bottle.

---------> Curse even more.
------> "Shirt's stained" by William's interior.

---> "Z-noir's running a fever"

-----------> Gave up on Faculty Reception. (11.14AM)

-------> Back at Hall. Borrowed the smallest screwdriver the Hall Office have (Nice Aunty on Duty) But, it's not small enough :X!!!

----> Frantically panics. Google: "Wet Iphone".

-------> Skyped Van. Screams over Skype in panic.
---> Thank God for Company (VAN!!!), Jas and Jo contacted.

----> Emailed Senior. Updated FB.

-------> 破釜沈舟. Cut open dehumidifier Sachet and put Z-noir in Zip-lock bag with dehumidifier crystals.

----> Forget it. Change. Got the Servicing Address. Out to 銅鑼灣.

Then I ate my wonton mee, and after lunch and med. Went to send Z-noir to Professional Doctors, whom told me it's not terminal. But will cost HKD 2 220. Standard Price. So Z-noir should be waiting for me to pick him up on SAT.

That's about it. All I left out was the complete LOST-ness I felt the entire day yesterday, being without my phone, which meant maps, music and company. And you know when you just want to avoid contact with others and fiddle with the phone pretending to be busy. Well, I do that ALOT!! So that's like just a 慘字.

But all wasn't entirely bad. I still did met my senior, bought some stuff for the Harry Potter Dinner, this sun. (I owe you pictures for that) And I met more freshmen. Like about 10 more, including 2 in my hall. And the nice thing is the nicest people of the group are the 2 in my hall.

Putting together the numbers.

I've met: 23 People so far.
No. of Potential Friends: 8
No of nice people: 13.

So that mean's I have About 35% of making friends with people I meet. And if out of the 11,962 undergraduates. I have 4160 friends waiting to be discovered in this place alone. How's that for my latest skill training of looking on the bright side??

Ps: though I find most of the international students (Ah Tiongs included) and most HKies who speak English have this REALLLLLLYYYYY pretentious slang. And quite unfortunately, I'm picking up their influence. Oh dear, will I go back home and be disowned by my fellow Singlish-eans. I miss saying "Sor-li" instead of "Sor-re"...

But above it all and all, I'm falling in love with this new me. I wonder if you are too??

P.Ps: Will get back to the babble box soon. But YES!! There's a decent guy at every turn.

Laundry Nightmare

I left my mind somewhere. // and washed a hole in my T-shirt.

Here's what happen:
J decides to do laundry
-> left room (L4) for laundry room at L19 to check out the laundry room
-> L19: Stomach hurts, no toilet in sight -> Return to L4
-> Takes laundry basket, detergent and stuff, and wallet to L19
-> Oh dear!! Costs 4x $1 Coins to use the washer. Found only 3x$1
-> Return room on L4, hunt for 5 x Coins to L19 AGAAIN
-> Oh dear took $2 instead of $1 coins.... to Ground floor to change coins at recept instead
-> Back to L19. Finally, the clothes go in and start turning. (PS: no idea where the detergent and softener goes, so I experimented)
-> Back to Rm (L4), sorts out coins. All $1 coins go into a ziplock bag for future laundry.

After 1 hr plus

-> Back to laundry room to shift clothes to dryer. Found out that I brought along my wallet, which have NO $1 coins. They were removed to the ziplock bag, remember??
-> Back to Room. -> Back to L19, $1 for 5 mins of drying. Opted for 20 mins. -> L4

After 30 mins plus.

-> Back to laundry room, OH DEAR! Still wet. Forgot wallet. -> L4 to collect wallet.
-> L19, set for 30 mins this time. $6! -> Room

After 40 mins plus.

-> L19: Ok Dried. And I found a hole in my new T-shirt:( -> Rm 407. Set out clothes to cool on bed.

Yes, that's why I'm very tired now. And I think that's also why I went to bathe without bringing in a towel. Had to wear my T-shirt (Thank god it's really long) and come out it.

ps: I realized that the hall is killing my self-esteem. All the lights are yellowish and I perpetually look like I have a kidney disease.

it's 3pm. And instead of exploring the busy streets of hong kong, i'm back at hall, kept indoors by the pouring rain and my stomach cramps.

This early afternoon, I couldn't resist the temptations (despite yesterday's happenings) and got off the bus at Hollywood Road (which according to Mummy is Lan Kwok Fung. It looks perfectly lovely in the day. A eclectic selection of nick-nacks stores and exotic restaurant scattered all over the VERY STEEP slopes.

At every turn, you can pick off ang-moh tourists and european people. I got quite a few stares myself. So I guess, I too, reeked tourist.

As I walked around aimlessly, without a proper camera. I begin to wonder?

I'm alone.
With very little inclination to photograph every thing in sight.
NO plans to SHOP or buy any of the EXPENSIVE nick-nacks that will overload my shoebox.

Then what was I doing there? I wondered about the point of travelling, the idea of sight-seeing. But I enjoyed myself, very much. Just people watching, drinking my sugar cane juice (so much better than those back home), leisurely walking while the locals rush past you to nowhere.

And this popped up in my head as I got to Central. I suddenly remembered another point I wanted to make yesterday.

THE GUYS IN HK!! OMG! There's just so much a HIGHER chance of finding eye candy here than in Singapore. I'll give it a rating of 6 of 10 guys being on the passing mark of 7. Maybe I should seriously consider my KR's suggestion of getting a local BF. And let love conquer my poor progress in Canto.

Ps: Contrary to what travel guides say about locals being appreciative of your efforts to speak canto, I have been 嫌棄 for more times that I can remember and still prefer to use English. Which is BAD!!

p.ps: For my lovely extravagant buy! See below.. In the process of naming 'em. =)Can't wait for summer to end, so they can come out of the box and explore HK with me.

Day 5. A report of nothingness.

Things you see in Hong Kong - U, that seem out of place. (Quantified)


.... ... .. .

The theme of today was to do a quantified report of the above. But i got caught up with store directories, fashion sites and fb. And the numbers and items slipped my mind. One of the pts: 2 firefighting trucks spotted in the PokFuLam district in just 4 days. No wonder, they have shows like 烈火雄心... Firefight actually IS a professional unlike in Sg. That being said, HK probably is a more dangerous place. Mental Note: Read about fire escape details in hall.

So 公休. Pretty much nothing happened today except I got lost (which should not even be news anymore) and had dinner with KR in the neon canteen next to hall.

KR seems to be a pretty nice person and the conversations flow pretty well. While I continue to learn how to build my personal space with a stranger living less than 2 ft away. And most definitely she must be extremely smart or from an affluent background, studying in a Seoul highschool that has foreign language requirements.

I continue to be curious. And (ok I invaded her privacy), when I opened her wardrobe and saw (Mentally counting) 4 pairs of heels - include one in HOT PINK, and 2 Wedges, and 2 pairs of nike hip hop sneakers (like those in street dance and Step UP) AND 2 pairs of converse sneakers. No slippers though (she wears the 13 cm wedge in the room), and she never really bathes at night ( or in the morn i think).. So I'm really wondering what on earth is the korean living habits like...

But overall, no complaints from my end.

I forgot to mention this, ytd. I bought a pair of Grey Calf Boots. OMGGGGGGG!!! Ya. Can't take it out to photograph now, but this one is real cute. I promise a photo.

Experienced my first HK city rain since I got here tonight. Protected from it though, being in the building. I'm on a lookout for new experiences. Come what may.

Technically Day 4. But not quite.

Problems that "are", will sooner or later become "were". A change of tense that come with resolution or new recognition.

MY problems of yesterday like my uncooperative LAN internet, is resolved and LAN is now happily working OT at 1:18AM as I sit on the bed typing. So hopefully, apple will one day come to terms with Microsoft Exchange and allow me to push my HKU Mails on my god-sent Iphone.

Also proving this theory, I have my other problem that is now showing signs of clearing up. At least, clear enough for me to vocalize and describe my feelings of apprehension left over from Day 2's dinner and meetup. (Contrary to mum and dad's point of view: the people were nice enough and I was NOT socially inept)

For more elaboration, please see the below excerpt from a publicity email for a Freshmen Seminar, sent from the school's Welfare Council.

In this seminar, you will get the “right” information from the “right people” (our panel speakers). Their views and advice will definitely help you formulate your own answers to the following “frequently asked questions” by new students:

- When and how can I get connected to the HKU Family, especially prominent alumni?
- How will the HKU network be beneficial to my personal, academic and career life?
- How can I expand my social circle if I do not live in Hall?
- Most of my high school classmates go to different universities. I feel isolated and lonely at HKU. What can I do?
- What is “HKU persona”? What is the typical and ideal “HKU student”?

Having read the mailer, I finally found the perfect way to explain and clarify my feelings towards the HKU students and general climate in the school. Because seriously, the most FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION is how to connect to prominent alumni? How to network? And only the last 2 questions sounds familiarly normal.

Maybe Mr M.M. is right about Singaporeans being complacent. In Sg, I used to hear that it is okay to not know every driving motivation towards the actions we take. Even about major things like University Majors. And for those who are "over"-achieving (not that it's bad from where I stand) and do know, we/they're always sneaky about vested interests. NEVER SO blatantly direct.

It seems I have come to the capital of pragmatism to learn how to lead a "in the moment" life.

Culture Shock aside, my new life have passed me my toughest test yet, as I learn to live within a isolating social environment (rejected by the locals in hall and invisible to my fellow floormates from the neighboring dragon state) AND share my space in the shoebox with my KOREAN roommate (which I will refer to from now as KR) whom I finally met after all that mystery.

Things could be alot worst. I could have a partying Caucasian OR be stuck with a half-neurotic P**. At least for that, there's cause for relieve.

On first impression, (not counting the awkwardly friendly return note from KR - which might have brought my hopes for a friend a little too high up) my roomie seems to be a unassuming, quiet, small korean town character. She's neat, probably good in maths (an accounts major) and definitely more academic than bimbotic (though she wears a floral wedge as a room slipper). But she has 2 other high school mates in HKU too, too high a statistic for a small town high school. And her English, too good for regular koreans, no matter how hard one can possibly work. So I'm still holding my opinions for now.

Another homework, to readjust and remember that social interactions is about statistics too. Not every one results in success. This on top of planning my next 3 (hopefully de-parents) days.

More shopping - more grocery and daily use than anything. Banking. And hopefully, i'll further the links set in place on Day 2 with the local seniors of the induction thingy. Shopping with seniors, that for sure will be a new experience.

I'll keep you posted.

Day 3.

People in hall are up early. And "HO"-ing downstairs, outside my window. Apparently I live in a hall with quite a reputation. People often (sample size: 4) mention it with this unmistakable tone of distaste.

Meeting Mum and Dad at the temple to pray for divine assistance. Yesterday's meeting (will elaborate, when I can) have convinced that I will need all I can.

Came back super shagged yesterday, and was in a complete zombie-fied state and didn't skype back home. I miss everyone already. This is a definitely one of those melancholy moments.

Gotta go now. Shall catch back soon.

ps: I have a mysterious roomie that I've not seen yet. But by my amazing skills of deduction, I think she's korean.

Day 1/2

I pulled off my eye mask (like blair waldorf would), this morning of day 2 in HK -U to a bright sunny morning that would have been repulsive at 6.18am back home. My new shockproof (in case it take battering for the dangerous job of waking me up) alarm clock reads 6.45am, after about 15 mins of struggling to get back in bed, so I gave up and washed up.

Starting my first morning routine of Vit C drink, with Vit B and Whatever Gd Bacteria you need for weak tummies like mine, Ginseng and in case I needed a hot pick me up: Ginseng Oolong Tea.

Today is separated from yesterday, from a mere 3.5 hours of sleep. Yet not even the sheer lack of rest can stop me from sinking into the quiet bliss of my "single" room left to me by my unarrived roomie.

You can't rain on my parade.

There's a certain glitz and glam appeal of 流浪ing, or 遠渡重洋... But even if I only did cross a section of the South China Seas, which doesn't quite fit the bill of 遠渡 OR重洋, I never did once regret giving up Newcastle (which equates to Holiday land to me) for HK (which equates to Shoe-boxes of Capitalism).

Yes, not once.
Not even when for the 7th time, Daddy and Mummy interrupted my 情緒 on the plane.
Or when they called for the 4 time in 3 hours to check in on me.
Or when I got lost the 3rd time in 2 hours.
Or when I walked 15 mins in the opposite direction of the hall from school (which should have been a 5 mins walk)
Or when I went back to the Arts Faculty Office and realized that SAME GUY (the one who 'escorted' me out of the office just 4 mths ago) is still as unfriendly and rude.
Or when I entered my room which was a qualifying sauna and didn't have aircon till after dinner.
Or when I realized the wardrobe is the 1/4 the size of mine back home. and room reminds me of a shoebox.
Or when I met my temp neighbors, who knocked on my doors to ask for a favor - take pictures of them. Then never reciprocated my efforts of polite conversations.
Or when they barred my dad from visiting the hall - because hall regulations state: NO MALE VISITORS ON WEEKDAYS.
Or when I had so much trouble understanding the Auntie downstairs who bar people from entering the building
Or even when I was soo stressed I could scream because the internet refuses to work and you have course selection pending.
Or when I missed Tong so much, now. Even as I type this entry.

Because, there's just so much more that makes me glow with happiness.
1) Because, I'm going to find myself now. (Like in the Hollywood Movies - Take that for glitz) The choices I made till now tell me who I was, but for some reason. This new chance is like a new blog entry. So "I" have yet to be defined.

2) Because, I wanted and worked hard for this. And that should be self-explanatory. I should have realized this earlier, hopefully its not too late to now. But the only other thing that gives me such joy is Tong, which I wanted and worked hard to make things work too. (Even if I do know, he prefers his mummy to me anyday or time)

3) Because, it's so near and Daddy & Mummy know the language - so they can be here with me. And there will always be moments that home and family comforts you. Like when you have a great seafood dinner, or when your mum buys you, the hairdryer, alarm clock, dinnerware, and stuff cause she's worried, saves you your allowance. And even when they come to your room and scolds you for 嫌棄ing the room and then invites you to stay with her in the HYATT REGENCY. (I refused btw)

4) Because, I have for the past 1 day and (I intend to today and from now forth) be myself and cheer at everything you want to cheer at and simply be very yourself. As emo as I want to, as expressive, or even in the very BIMBO times.

5) Because, the Hall O camp I heard from my first HK friend (only one in hall now) confiscates your handphone and prohibits internet. So I cannot be more glad to be a non-canto speaker and can skip it:)

6) Because, I had help (SMILES) yesterday in getting around campus.

6) Because, I can go shopping today. at Tsim Tsai Tsui


You get the point. Till later then. It's only the beginning of Day 2.

i wanted to blog today... but it's real late.. so maybe tomorrow:)

Disillusionment

Disillusioned.
Random pickings on the recent happenings.
Just enough, just in time.
Before I take flight.
To who I am?

I probably, can never be the detached, gone with the wind person.
I visualized to be since ten.

Too emotionally in it. To Be.

Hell with it.

Happiness?

Dear Friends,

I'll been having a long blog barren period. My mind and emotions are currently not in fast correspondence. (and you've probably noticed that I blog in bursts of emotions and random thoughts instead of occurrences)

About 3 months ago, I told myself, i would write this summer. I wanted to. So certain that I would create animate characters in a world where I played god. A dash of hope, some brewing love, yet all simmered on the flames of reality with inevitable pain.

Little less than 100 days passed. Yet not a single word document was opened, not a single word written, not figment of story invented in my head. Maybe I didn't know what to write? Or I didn't like to play god, considering my history of leaving decisions to circumstances and placing myself at life's full mercy, I would think the latter - a larger part of the reason.

Like a pendulum at rest in sync with Newton's first law. I have forsaken the extremes ends of emotional scale, remaining very still in my cloud of constant confoundment. Days went on, starting with long slumber ending with an even longer slumber. Activities like an occasional walk, vaccinations, correspondences were kept at the bare necessities.

In tandem with experimenting with the new philosophy of objectivism, spurts of emotions like sadness, anger, fear, anxieties were rationalized and put aside to do the logical and the healthy.

It helped, for survival and to get along. Yet, as I now click on every alphabet on my black mac keypad, I can't avoid that ominous tone that loomed over every single word in the past paragraphs.

Perhaps you're tired Of listening to my whines and conflicting struggles? But I think that repressed part of me, resented the necessary and the calm front that hides the vortex within. Fann was right, I was a rebel, I enjoyed my vices that formed my life's self-defeating patterns.

If change was good and 'right', and by all possible means I tried to change in a healthy direction. Is the answer to happiness, then, a simple, no-expectations living? Which would lead to another question: 'simple' by WHOSE standards?
Most people I know, would reply to this and say by my-your own standards. (Which often seemed to me a insincere way refuting to give advice in fear of responsibility issues. OR is that just ME? Because that's exactly what I'll do)

And a paradox it may seem, because my standards (for now) would be never simple. I wouldn't say wanting is bad, though it does hurts a great deal more than settling.

Or maybe the happiest people are those that don't think about happiness, or unhappiness for that matter. But that knowledge of that is like telling a HIV carrier, there will be a cure for AIDS in the future, just most possibly after you die. I'm not quite sure if it helps me just yet.

Just as for the question of love? of Ethics - Good and Bad? Happiness are things I ponder heavily on these days... I can almost hear myself giving me the advice (since I have very little company these days - I talking alot to Jeanie these days). Don't think about them so much, live life and find your answers in them.

But the only thing I agree wholeheartedly with Ayn Rand (the philosopher) is that most people I see who take that approach - DRIFT [FULLSTOP]. One of the few things I know for sure is I don't want to DRIFT. Though it does seems that all I do these days.

And looking at my friends again, I wonder sometimes in weak moments that maybe both me and Rand are wrong.

J

I'm in a stage where I'm angry, lost and alone.

Sometimes I'll look around and listen, screaming in my head with angst and frustration at everyone speaking, looking or just being around me.

There is sometime wrong. With me, with life, like vague nagging white sound in the background. I cannot name it. But recently I've been trying to choose confrontation over avoidance and search for answers.

Yet, I think that I'm not ready for the them. I cannot I love myself at this point. Special isn't an acceptable adjective. I am a childish, idealistic, delusional, immature child who believes she fools the world, by blinding her eyes to the truth.

The truth.

making mistakes.

i cannot understand how i can be contemplating a 4 year full time undergraduate course in Fine Arts, Cantonese. When it seems impossible for me to complete and survive this remaining 10 days of LASALLE diploma in english.

Blame it on the college system, on the poor competition from the class, on the uncommitted and sometimes unqualified tutors and lecturers. But a much needed talk of truth with a friend, ripped off all these excuses. And i left with me. ME - the root of the problem.

My inability to overcome my initial stress of perfecting my every attempt at any module that interest or challenges. My fundamental state of laziness. To skip classes, the same way i miss out on life. To leave work till the last moment, convincing myself I run best on adrenaline.

There's a paper due tomorrow morning on Art Writing. I've attempted on work on this over the past 2 weeks, a couple of times. All failed attempts. I cower in face of intimidation. I need examples I claim, but those examples given, however irrelevant, deter me from my endeavors.

I laid on my bed, just 10 mins ago, concocting my new mixture of excuses for the teachers, to convince myself it will be perfectly alright if I don't submit this. And I need rest and sleep - which is the least of my needs, considering the amount of rest I accumulated over the past weeks.

This is crunch time. This is it. But my utter failure to muster any form of urgency for the situation, worries me more than the possible and impending failure to submit my assignment tomorrow.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, I lost even the concern for meeting my responsibilities. OR have I never possessed that. All I have is a misguided perception of my abilities and the mistakenly projected products of them.

but that isn't happiness.
and i'm not working.
period.

the last 26 days counting...

As the previous post has captioned, I returned to Starbucks. Leaving home, grandma, tongtong, my bed and all others earthly bounds, behind for a not so quiet corner of Central, Clarke Quay.

As my perspectives shifts, I have grown accustomed, in fact in much fond thoughts, of the sounds (those that infiltrate the playing music past my $100 eyepiece), disruptions (like the kind Caucasian lady who just a moment ago asked me for my extra chair, not occupied by my Sweet William bag) in this coffee place - which I now drink Chai Tea at. Temporarily inhabited by business, leisure, formalities, lifestyle, those who hide, some who seeks, and the others who exist in limbo - like me in the incoherent mix of paces and paths in life.

Before I sink and soak into the next Katrina that is bound to devour my consciousness, I seek this last moment of solace. To know that standing just 26 days apart from my departure from this station of life - possibly my last as a student, I remain clear with some happiness residual from the days before in celebrations of friendship, bearing the strength from toast of Sangreals, with cathartic screams that emptied the barrels of pent-up sensibilities. And I proceed forward in full awareness of the denials and emotional limits I remain in constant fears of meeting. The many incidents and happenings that bring upon floods that cannot be placed into words.

It seems bigger and so much more fearful, when finally confronting the monster at the end of the journey. You may no longer see it, and cannot determine its position of the heart any longer standing, just in front of it. That is when, you are finally tested with the sword in the rock - to be met with might, tenacity and that fateful dose of luck.

Now, done with the florals of words and back to the financial statements and the conclusion I so need.

Back to starbucks..

How apt.

词:林夕

对我好对我好好到无路可退

可是我也很想有个人陪
才不愿把你得罪于是那么迂回
一时进一时退保持安全范围
这个阴谋让我好惭愧

享受被爱滋味却不让你想入非非
就让我们虚伪 有感情别浪费
不能相爱的一对 亲爱像两兄妹
爱让我们虚伪
我得到于事无补的安慰
你也得到模仿爱上一个人的机会

残忍也不是慈悲
这样的关系 你说多完美

眼看你 看著我 看得那么暧昧
被爱爱人原来一样可悲
为甚么竟然防备别人给我献媚

不能推 不能要 要了怕你误会
让我想起曾经爱过谁
我所要的 她不给好像小偷一样卑微

Hi! This is ur LAST 859am reminder! Send ur pics to photos@project859.com
thank you for participating and have a great weekend! :)

Accidentally pressed paste on the phone... But anyways on my way back
home to my bed. Without lunch or food, cause I figured I could live
without food but not without sleep. If you know what I mean.

It's over. Just like that a segment of my life enters it conclusion.
My first project, to be planned, conceptualizer and implemented from
start to end. Not a full marks effort, but still better than none. To
next chapters then.

Ps: found out and learned quite abit along the way, about myself,
others and just the ways of life... I wanna say "Thank you" if you
here on this journey with me.

P.ps: Uni results should be out starting Thursday.

Sent from my iPhone

as i grew older, i came to understand myself better. then learnt to hide this understanding so deep, i can't comprehend my actions.

spent about 4 days just hanging around.. 're-charging my spirit'. and i'm brought back to the same place with the same conclusion: I need to work towards my dreams, if i don't know what it is. Then I need to at least take a step forward to look for it

Time to get back in position and get my hands dirty. Focus now and finish the overdue work, essays, planning, publicity and all the other things that i've started.

And I can't forget those regret, those lessons I've learnt, and the years I've went through.

i love study groups and had alot of fun today... with wy & fan.
I wonder how much fun i missed out in sec and college not having one.

and I shudder at the thought of ALL the piled work and assignments.
Time should STOP and SLEEP when I do.
But it doesn't.

Been seriously slacking, when i really shouldn't.
Thinking about a million things at one time. and my body just freezes on my bed.

Have it ever happened to you, that you think that you're typing that god-forsaken proposal and have completed it.
Then wake up before the deadline, and realize that you haven't done a thing...

Or sit in front of the screen and play any show possible. Staring blankly, and not know why or what you're watching, just to ignore the screaming voices of work in your mind.

I see $15 725 in my head, every time I pause or turn around.
Honestly, I'm searching for the pig head. Pretty sure its hung somewhere around here.

约了以往的朋友， 发现原来我们都一样没有变地在人生摩天轮上绕着。 她也还是
乐观地寻找爱情的依靠，一个一个。 我也一样，从之前的雾里看花到今天的
风中望沙。 同一个轨道上，努力说服自己曾在这过程中成长。

问我不会累吗？ 同一天内被两个人说我太好强，应该学着软弱。 其实我也很想
的。 可是， 发现没有工作的我，没有重心，性格，也没有话说了。

Sent from my iPhone

Hope

Hope is such an interesting thing. It lights a flame within the soul,
simultaneously striking the heart with so much fear. It paralyzes you.
And I now, I shall learn to live with this hope...

Sent from my iPhone

I realised that the old scars of the past still stings when uncovered.
Can't differentiate if that numbed pain is from the unrecovered wound
or just the disgust of facing the damage so trufully...

It's been a very bad night... And I'm still trying to pull through....

Sent from my iPhone

This should be my personal statement. Can't believe I'm still not
done...

honestly. just for documentation only.

anyways, ok don't sms me for the next day coz my phone is in the nokia service center, instead of hell where it belongs. So i can't send my lovies to sylvia darling in forms of mushy sms-es...
So i'm going to fb!! Syl WE LUV LUV LUV LUV you k... muz take care of our da-jie for us in netherlands. and be very very happy too!!

ps: i'm going to get an iphone... the whole nokia thing is just far too traumatizing. (My mum was super sweet about the whole thing!) So i can send emails to syl like sms-es! YAY!

p.ps: didn't slp last night because of the terrible terrible phone trauma... so my hk application essay is still in an unknown dimension in the recesses of my brain. So sylvie i think you can't vet it for me le. Coz I'll probably only be done with it early morning tmr (like in the AM zones of today)..

JUST HAvE a SAFE TRIP K!! I LOVE YOU!!
mucks, j

I found myself a curator - i think it might work.

Ps: have not been productive at all, since 4.46pm when my feet entered my room. Oh dear...

Anyways, today's a relatively good day. A friend dropped from my list of friends and became semi-leech position. Some sour lemons and grapes, some shoes in my face, but otherwise pretty good. Shaw Hong gave me some solid advice about how things should progress from here. And without being willful any longer, I gave my position as artistic director of the project and found a curator to handle the artsy work. (Ps: I'm adverse to doing so formerly, because of really a**hole examples. )

But the talks went fine and easy. My ex-lecturer, now curator, let's call her, B thought for about 3 secs (maybe she didn't really know how much work it entails, maybe she does) and said "Yes". And concept-wise, the flow has been quite good. B even mentioned a project in the states, so similar my P859. There's a photography book for it, and it's now top-place on my buy list, below it there's a new toothbrush and loose powder.



I want to share this project with you. If you're reading, its called 3191 Miles Apart. About two women photographers who take random shots of their mornings and uploaded it on flickr, never met each other but became friends. Like a urban fairytale.
http://3191.visualblogging.com/ - which is current.
http://3191ayearofmornings.com/mornings/ - which is about the book.


... these are vignettes of simple everyday things: a cup of coffee, soft-boiled eggs, rain boots kicked off at the front door, the stem of a flower, many crumpled napkins, many spoons. Though the two women were 3,191 miles apart the images are complementary in their color and composition more often than not. Sometimes startlingly so. The blog, and the book that followed after a year’s worth of images (and 3,000 visitors a day from Australia to Iceland), capture the rhythms of everyday life, often surprising the viewer by the sheer beauty of the most quotidian element. That each woman paused to record the curve of a daughter’s ear, a bowl of cereal or a shadow cast across the floor before sitting down in front of a computer is an act that carries with it the most clichéd, yet essential, of all messages: stop and smell the roses (and the coffee, the toast, the morning air). We’re living in difficult times, and it seems it’s exactly these tiny details and fleeting moments that can offer us the most solace and even joy. —Allison Arieff, The New York Times

How beautiful. 107 days. J

Da-duh! Finally done on the final draft of the Event info. Seriously it's been edited like 10 times and over. Finally done with loads of help from Jonana the legal consultant - of which without can never be done with my not-so-recent expression deficiencies.
ps: in jas's room now. My air-con's dead... and ah tong is on the bed, with jas. and i might be sleeping on the floor tonight... Sighs...这年头，做人还不如一只狗!
------------------

Part of the i-AM Festival, LASALLE ’10 Arts Management Diploma Show (19 March - 27 March 10), 4AM st(art) is a visual arts project by a team of four students of the Arts Management Programme challenging conventional boundaries of art exhibitions. Under this project, two concurrent non-profit exhibitions titled Project 859 and Moments held at Orchard Central will create a novel artistic experience in a unassuming environment receptive to any audience. The concept of an artist will also be reconstructed by juxtaposing artistic displays forged by collaborative efforts of participants without any artistic expertise in Project 859 alongside mainstream artworks in Moments.

Project 859 is a participative new media photography exhibition depicting the symphony of life in Singapore at one synchronized moment. Over the course of one week, members of the public will be asked to photograph a moment in their lives at 0859 daily. Entries will be organised and displayed without artistic censorship to capture all notions of art. It is hoped that this artistic collaboration by virtual strangers will bridge distances between people through the realisation and celebration of similarities and differences in individual lifestyles.

Of particular notice is the showcase of ‘859 Community Feature’, a series of photographs depicting the lives of children living in 15 local children homes at 0859h. This aims to help increase awareness and social involvement in the less fortunate communities in Singapore.

Moments is a visual arts exhibition showcasing various young & emerging artists. The focus of Moments stems from famed philosophical quotes exploring the concept of time and of conflicting emotions of familiarity, anxiety and distance. The concept of Moments is for the exhibition to be integrated as part of the retail mall. The aim is to allow the galleries to be chanced upon randomly by shoppers, facilitating their participation in the arts.

108 days

Iforgottoaddthatitsonly108moredaystothendofmydaysinlasalle....

OC

I think this warrants a post. But after that every long email that racked my brains thirty thousand times and over about time-lines and thing to be done. I think i'll just make do with a. "YAY" i got orchard central.

And found something in myself to believe in.

i copied this from someone's fb note.

-----
Written by Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988), was the guest-of-honour at a recent NTU convocation ceremony. This was his speech to the graduating class of 2008.
-----

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.

You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they’re wrong.

The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.

I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.