listening to: Come home, by Onerepublic. If only i would

Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home

I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now

i seriously hoped that blogging would help me out of my downward spiral. of rejecting the right thing in my life: taking actual responsibility. But I'm drunk with just a glass of lemonade heavily loaded with gin. I'm going down, i just hope i'll stop in time. Till then, jeanie

finally, a enjoyable, much-needed uplifting song on my playlist:

New Soul, by Yael Naim
I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

All hell broke soon, and somehow a part of me too.

It's day 3 of my 14 day deadline, I passed on myself to get over/pass (which ever verb applies) my long time building fixation with an unwanted object. The last time I had to pass such a legislation on myself, the execution took say, a year. But accounting that everything is larger and of smaller distance now, AND I believe myself to be a much stronger person than before, I hope to end this saga within 2 weeks.

It NEEDS to end, because I hate the feeling of not being in control or understanding any teeny bit of me. I love reality the way I know it to be, and that's how it's staying till I'm ready. I read in a friend's facebook "about me" section that "any idiot can handle a crisis, it's the day to day living that breaks you down."

Very true, my friend. And it would seem to me that all of my will-power, determination(present or otherwise) has been channel to this new personality sculpting project of mine, putting all works on hold for the past week. If you translate that to simple words, simply means I have NOT done any work at all since the previous week. Not uncommon though, it would seem that i can only work hard in short spurs of the moments and then pause for another short spur. Stamina and determination seems to be a genetic deficiency present in my DNA.

But everything else seems alright, as the dust and fallen into place of a steady routine. A routine led on the nose by my iCal, which pretty much dictate all the parts of my life and schedule (except that I never follow the sections on work).

School isn't much of a chore now. No resentment, no hard feelings, as conversations are now less forced, though oddly(maybe revealingly) centric on me, myself and I. And work. Well, to the devil with others, seem to work fine, as I minimize contact with people I actually don't like. And continue to flaunt my other friendships on my fb wall, with now my entire acquaintances of my past possibly looking in on my life(not that I foresee people actually doing so, I'm not as popular as I would like to believe of myself). Life can be easy and pretty unstressful, even with overbearing deadlines (like my due TOMORROW music paper outline presentation). And I see myself working a great deal at not living with the intention of making others 'like' me. Working hard, and making little progress. Maybe a small step to the revolution, but that should still make history, if i have my say.

I'm enjoying my french lessons for now. Enjoying my regressive attempts on monetary control - splurging on a $100 bag and severely over-priced hair accessories as a retail therapy (sponsored by my overly obliging and spoiling mother).

While my playlist remains english, with new additions I still cannot determine my liking for. And so does my life, a boiling pot of ice - constantly in odds and spilling with trouble, drama and yet in harmony enough to keep me sane.

Till tomorrow or many tomorrows later, jeanie

In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it love

These lines constantly repeat themselves in my head like a broken recorder. From this year on, i have stuck to a growing playlist of English tracks. Very very different from before,I noticed.
I have ever since started to think and talk to myself in English more than Chinese -which used to make more sense.

I believe that my character and mindset or simply put attitude towards people and incidents have changed pretty drastically with my newly adopted language or culture. I seemed to be taken into the spectacle(my lecture topic today) of the western culture, an image of more 'cool' sense of living. Maybe its the college culture, the people i meet now in the arts industry, my previous internship, or even gossip girl and the books I now read.

But in any case, I can't find any detrimental facts of this change just yet. Though I am now, more then ever, projecting and building a new image for myself.
A new image - mirroring what I see on TV, in books. Moreover I hope, I have found within myself to become more of a "to hell with your opinions" kind of person. According to my NOW habit book, it's called a innate self-worth, to not diminish my self-confidence and perception of self-value due to every bit of my scrutinized view of others' reaction to me.

And much as i try my best to do this, I cannot stop myself from living inwards due to fear and cowardice- to think rather than to live.

Like love, as I just read on a fellow classmate's fb(no naming on blog rule). Though love has been a topic of interest and of great importance to my life for the past 6 years or so, it is something more in me, than of me.

I would rather think, than to act on impulse, feelings to live out the love. Could this be an indication of my inability to love? Very possibly, I do seem rather alienated from the feelings of others, these days. Or more possibly, it's selfishness. My innate protection, preventing me from potential harm of exposing my VERY vulnerable self. And maybe it is all those reasons, adding that I do not possibly believe that I am worthy of love, not experiencing that before.

But as the classmate pointed out. If the avg, lifespan of a human being is 80 years, adding that the first 14 years for the avg soul would be without romantic love(huge assumption). And adding that the last 20 years,very much diminishes the chance of romantic love too (in most cases that is - in assumption).
Then 80-20-14= 46 years. And to take valentine day as a special and meaningful ocassion of the celebration of love. The avg years would be 46. And in my case, I've lived out my first 18 valentine's day, void of the love (i feared so much of), I'll have a max of 42 V'day left. Quite pathetically, I find myself pinning for how little my V'days left are. This puts Valentine's day quite so more important, in perspective, as I realize my loss of it as the days run by.

And there's exactly 1 month to the day: Feb 14. And, I don't see myself in any position of finding a valentine in time. On top of the lack of available and interested valentine, relationships scare the hell out of me; so I can safely and sadly kiss my 09 V'day goodbye and live with the remaining 41... (at least, this year's Vday is on a non-school day)

This is one of the few days, when the idea of "alone" in singlehood scares me. (maybe also because I see a certain precedent in my life, which I don't actually hope to follow in her footstep) But tonight at 3.33am, I'm not emo, just thoughtful.

Also, I find myself not wanting to sleep and wake up tomorrow to PR class. It's so far my most un-liked subject of this semester (though I initially thought I would love it, but it disappoints like marketing) Maybe, i'm turning to an academic. What thought to behold!

The only thing certain is that I'm definitely changing a lot -----. For better or worse, is to be commented upon in time. I have a lot of research work and some foreign french phrases to sleep on tonight - on my very crowed bed of me, jas and tong. It's going to be hard to blog soon with long days at school and work. But i'll try my best.

sometime soon, jeanie

i'm listening to: fell in love without you, by motion city soundtracks

Last night I fell in love without you.
I waved goodbye to that heart of mine
Beating solo on your lawn

Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it love

Last night I fell in love without you
The coup de grâce that set me off
Would've made for decent fiction

Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it...

Last night I fell in love without you
The stars at night aren't as big and bright
As you make them out to be

Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
In memory of when we used to call it love

and because I was bored...

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
------------------------------------------------
Like jasmine said, pretty accurate and maybe almost true.. what do you think?

Recent days, there's another lapse in blogging, as well as in my life.

It's almost like the sudden thoughts and rampant wants, are becoming too much for my little mind. Leaving me back in my tracks, wanting to numb the overwhelming with 3 full days of indulgence of novels, dramas and everything else that could occupy my time and brain. Now, I can finally, conclude that I am truly not a workaholic. Work will never be the activity of choice to occupy my time, body or mind (if only it was).

Tonight, I'll be sleeping with the curtains bounded up. Not, because I want to rise early tomorrow. But, because I think it's time I let some morning light into my undesired downward spiral of actions. May things look better tomorrow in the morning light.

Sometime again, jeanie

Playing on my playlist: Happily Never After, by PCD

"I don't think I want this anymore, "
As she drops the ring to the floor.
She says to herself, "You've left before, "
"This time you will stay gone, that's for sure."

And he shattered something else
To drag her suitcase down the path,
To the driveway.
She had never gone that far.

Normally this would be
The time that she
Would let him talk her out of leaving,
But this time, without crying,
As she got into her car, she said,

"No
'Happily Never After'
That just ain't for me.
Because finally,
I know
I deserve better, after all
I'll never let another teardrop fall."

As she drove away she starts to smile,
Realized she hadn't for a while.
No destination, she drove for miles
Wondering why she stayed in such denial.

I edited the previous post. In one of our sisterly shower talks, both my sisters said it was dumb to put some things on your blog, dumber to name names. (I suppose this applies, even and more so, if they were the truest moments of truth)

So I'm to have secrets, even from you, my virtual reality log book and very possible more encrypted journal-ing as opposed to blatant open truth. I'm getting remotely better with the flu, sore throat, cough, and bits of fever. My theory of practice, this time round is to ditch the doctors and take enough panadol and strepsil till my immunity system kicks in with a battle-wining antibody stream. It sounds more healthy in theory, so I'm testing it out.

But above the dizziness and OD-ing of panadol and strepsil, I'm definitely more clear-headed now. Three days of school, and the dust have finally settled in its place(whether I like the arrangement or not). And with Joanna's help, I actually re-found my focus again - to realise that my ultimate aim was the result not the people. And if the experience was good, that's bonus, but that's not to be expected. Though, I am making honest efforts to at least try(though not very hard) and be sociable -to talk to people at least. (I added my classmates on facebook, that should mean something) I will eventually need to leave my protective armour of wheezes and whopping coughs behind, to actually listen and participate in conversation - I can't be sick forever. (Oops, I just found the cause of my procrastination of seeing the doctor, the unwillingness to lose my excuse for not talking and answering people... )

Yups, and I'm getting through my NOW habit book, which proves itself to be an excellent book of insight. I'm even dutifully logging down my every moment and thoughts of procrastination, as the book instructs. It better work, I will need it to.

It's time to test my limits and abilities, rather give excuses and believe hearsay about my true potential. So this semester hopefully, I'll get a good honest measure from my (for the first time) not last-minute work.

The clouds are dispersing, and there's more light now, on how I should go ahead with the rest of the week or so. With my healthy dose of gossip and drama back, I'm definitely more grounded. (I'm thankful, the drama exists in TV or my macbook though) I've also ended my brief but resolute quarrel/ fight with Tongtong in mutual agreement(which he always breaches) of better co-existence(i.e. to end our abusive relationship for a normal mutually respecting one).

Some things are getting done and settled, which is about time, since the week is gone by half. But, I still need to get to the un-encouraging huge load of research, at least for the projects due on wk 7. A trip to the library is due, I guess(my books, though have long been due). And there's social arrangements to be made, as promised. So the term is just getting started, and hopefully so am I.

Sometime again, jeanie

Not really playing on my playlist, but because I feel like it

Secret, by The Pierces
Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead�

Why do you smile
Like you have told a secret
Now you're telling lies
Cause you're the one to keep it
But no one keeps a secret
No one keeps a secret
Why when we do our darkest deeds
Do we tell?
They burn in our brains
Become a living hell
Cause everyone tells
Everyone tells�

Look into my eyes
Now you're getting sleepy
Are you hypnotized
By secrets that you're keeping?
I know what you're keeping
I know what you're keeping

Yes two can keep a secret
If one of us is... Dead.

The inevitable excuse for procrastinating.

Life is indeed full of tribulations and trials. Just when I try my utmost to proceed forward with determined strides, there would be little things like illness and problems to test my resolve.

Enough of emo introductions, but I do have reason to emo, today. BAD day. It's first day of Sem 2 and I find myself very very very sick. The chocolate hangover, apparently left behind a staying guest - BAD BAD sore throat. Like Jasmine, I was barely sleeping last night with millions of random thoughts rushing through my head.

And of course, to lighten my bag - this morning I remembered to take out the umbrella from my bag. Like Murphy's law decrees, it had to rain with me caught in it. That's it - FEVER.

Plus, mean and horrible I was, with my grouping comments yesterday, I really did try to transfer class. Unsuccessfully, of course, but well there still like a small glimmer of hope. So, I'm trying to suppress that section of gloomy clouds for now. (Or I might just sink into depression again)

But school today was extremely awkward. I felt uneasy, no matter what I do. There was just awkward pause after awkward silence. I guess, I'm now at the junction where I find myself wanting to be sociable in college(because it seems like the right thing to do), but I'm completely unaware and not equipped with the proper physics of how "conversations", "friends", etc work in school. I'm a little tired of filling silence and making conversations that I even find it hard to evoke enough interest in its replies. And I think I look aloof enough for people to NOT want to approach - be it a blessing or a curse.

And I missed the first lesson of the French class I signed up for today. Quite intentionally or unintentionally (Depending on perception), it was 6.00pm and I did not have the fees money with me for the class that started at 6.30pm today. It did occurred to me that I could get cash from dad at orchard and be back on time. But, I sort of gave up. Excuses available: tired, unprepared, sick, blah blah.... It's not exactly a good start to miss the 1st lesson of a new language course. Another bad beginning, I hope if I get well I'll be optimistic enough to believe that bad beginnings can be salvaged.

Well, I'm EMO today.. hard to not be at the alarming rate I'm eating through my tissue box and sneezing my nose off. There's only one class tomorrow, let's hope for the better. and there's always gossip girl to accompany my sick bed. I'll cry real hard if itunes screw up the uploading.

Sometime again, jeanie

I wish I still have the positivity of last year.. when I was (impossibly) looking forward to tomorrow - the start of the term...

Optimism died a quick and painful death tonight.
Well to the truth, it had been on the verge of death since yesterday - when I suddenly realize my critical skills module - business writing (whose grades have been CRITICAL, since I handed in, the really bad report which took ONLY 2 hours to do) is completely graded based on group project work. That made me so stressed and upset, I couldn't even blog yesterday.

******
I'm getting really sour. I apologize for my tone and I think it's the negative ions of today's mood that's rubbing onto me. We finally went out today with Jo, after her million pleas of boredom. But, all that came out of today: sour and bad vibes, really really awkward talks, a very over-priced and over-rated chocolate meal - that is giving a headache for overdosing, a lot of food, which I didn't enjoy that I ate to keep myself occupied and excused from responding, and the only bright spot: I have my phone back, with everything in tact and fixed.

It feels really good to be able to sms people and to complain to sylvie about my day, crap about with fanny, and laugh at Wy on her funny guy who likes her, but cannot be my new year resolution candidate. I really miss sms-ing...

....My vision's clouding from OD-ing chocolate. Jasmine is right, it's a torture, and I don't think I will be eating any chocolate soon. Till tomorrow then, after my class, after I settle my timetabling issues (I have a fews plans to get my way... hopefully they'll work out), and after I drop by the French school to get the course schedule. Good night.

Ps: looking on the bright side, I have budgetting done(my commencement of my frugal(to me) lifestyle), and my room's packed and a trip to pulau NTU to look forward to.

P.ps: Gossip girl coming back.... that's always a reason to be glad.

P.pPs: I'm getting really guilty not spending enough time with tongtong.. Shall walk him tomorrow...

Sometime soon (hopefully when I'm happier and less dizzy), jeanie

Songs on my Playlist: I feel Nothing , by the Pierces

Now no time to discover
All the things we were gonna be,
And no way to recover
All the pieces of you and me.
Now my life is calling
With no way to tell where it's going.

Maybe you'd want me back this time
And maybe you'd stay.
Maybe you'd want me back this time
But baby, I say

I feel nothing.

I know that somewhere inside me
You're not totally gone.
But I've not yet decided
If it's right or it's wrong.
Now it seems you're calling.
Leave a message after the tone.

Maybe you'd want me back this time
And maybe you'd stay.
Maybe you'd want me back this time
But baby, I say

I feel nothing.

Who's to say what happens next?
Momma told me never to say never.
Who's to say what happens next?
Who's to say I'll feel like this forever?

I feel nothing.

Today.. or more correctly yesterday, I found out that I am not going blind (thank god!), am incapable of invoke enough anger within myself to scold people over the phone, have exaggerated the queue size at the SE service center, and finally have watch the Devil wears Prada (which I have quoted from over 5 times, though I never did watched it).

And life could be no more perfect if my stomach problems and warts would disappear suddenly. If 2009 wasn't so gloom and black for daddy, mummy, and almost everyone else in the family. If I knew for sure there would be enough money in the world that I have access to give me my ideal education. And if I knew what exactly would be my ideal education.

And if we ditch all that, I still have my unpacked room, unpaid college fees, unregistered and unknown French class schedules.

Well, life progress as we regress further.
2 books to read now: living the truth and the now habit. Let's fight it out and let the victors write history.

Now, I'm rambling blabber. Till tomorrow then.
Sometimes soon, jeanie

Songs on my Playlist: Three Wishes, by the Pierces

We’d be so less fragile
If we’re made from metal
And our hearts from iron
And our minds from steel
And if we built an army
Full of tender bodies
Could we love each other
Would we stop to feel

And you want three wishes:
One to fly the heavens
One to swim like fishes
And then one you’re saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

You say you want to know her like a lover
And undo her damage, she’ll be new again
Soon you’ll find that if you try to save her
It will lose her anger
You will never win

And you want three wishes:
You want never bitter
And all delicious
And then one you’re saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

You want three wishes:
One to fly the heavens
One to swim like fishes
You want never bitter
And all delicious
And a clean conscience
And all it’s blisses
You want one true lover with a thousand kisses
You want soft and gentle and never vicious
And then one you’re saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

It's the hour of reckon-ing again. But today, I'm not in the mood for words or typing. So I'll keep it short and sweet.

I've been reading "Living the Truth" last night (Technically. Morning.) We covered till emotional defense mechanisms(EDM). And according to the book, I will have my usual EDMs in place to protect my senses.

EDMs: I identified as
OD-ing on painkillers,
self-pain inflicting (both in which I hope will be gone from my life ever since then).

And other more seemingly normal, yet supposedly numbing habits
like my obsessive habits of
RE-reading of my romance novels and Harry Potter books.
my Re-watching and watching of often senseless dramas.
Blasting my ipod in crowds, my room and everywhere else.
My love of sitting in MRTs to sleep like I don't have a bed at home.
Loving to sleep day in and out, refusing to get up to when civilisation is awake.

Yups, so today I unsuccessfully woke up late as usual, (I was supposed to try to rise and shine in an attempt to remove the EDM to get to my true self on the other side of the mirror). And was grumpy like the dwarf. And then when onto trying to do something out of my EDMs, I tried bringing Tong to the dog run with Dad, Mum and Joanna (who were quarreling like hell on the car - definitely building bad mental associations to this activity). We did get there, just didn't get out of the car, since it begun to rain.

After which, proceeding to watching TV (which I was suppose to limit down - but failed).Then more TV, then dinner with Van's family. All these while, I was mindlessly processing the photos I took on Christmas and at yesterday's party. Together, with the 4 hours plus of facebook-ing, I pretty sure that I formed what the book described as the re-structured EDM(R.EDM). This R.EDM is apparently something my mystically powerful self-protection system came up with to replace the EDM I'm trying to take down. So apparently, I have to battle and minimize till ultimate destruction, both the EDM and R.EDM to remove all my battle scars. Chim right.

Here's the part that confuses me, one of my reasons for wanting to remove the EDM is because I think, LOGICALLY, I should be able to open up my true self to others, i.e be allowed to be myself. So should I really stop FB-ing (though it connects me to people), since it's a R.EDM? Well, conflicts and contradictions are part- and parcel of life's mysteries. I'll just have to sleep on this confusion and try harder.

But I know for sure that tomorrow will be too packed for EDMs(except for blasting Ipods).

I have packed Art history and institutions (boring and a library over-due) instead of a entertaining alternative for:
An Eye check-up,
Hopefully, a Skin treatment(after I scold the people at the National Skin Center),
Pick up my Now Habit book(supposedly to stop my procrastination and help me ACE my 1st academic resolution) from borders.
To check out my latest WANTED item: the Logictech(spells funny) speakers for my Z/tong Ipod with alarm to burn my ears to rise and shine at the Apple Store
To FIX my phone(finally.. I hear you say)

And maybe after all that action, I'll get down to clearing my room. MAYBE, a girl can dream and hope and also to that ten minutes of revelation of my truth and past. That's a pretty long to-do list, tomorrow. Till then again.
PS: Sorry, I lied, this post is LONG-er than short.

Sometimes again, jeanie

Songs on my Playlist: Kill Kill Kill, by the Pierces

Just when I think, I've got you in safe keeping
That’s when your memory, it comes round creepin'
Well it's an ache I can't shake
It's creeped down deep down to my core
But babe I can't fake it, I can't take this heartbreak
Anymore….

Well you could wash my bain
You could tear out my heart
But I would never forget you
You could change my name
I could make a new start
But I would never forget you

And it's Kill… Kill.. Killin' me
It's Kill… Kill…. Killin' me
That I'm still in love with you

I asked you please to leave my heart
But you refused to go
I can't take this pain much longer
You insist on teaching me what I already know
Absence made this heart grow fonder

All set in stone.

Thoughts if not set into actions will not change the future or anything at all. So every time change your mind, it's still pretty okay IF it stays just exactly where it is: IN YOUR MIND.

But every action on the other hand would set into motion a BILLION other continuous happenings which ultimately in collectively terming would be what we named to be OUR FUTURE. (think butterfly effect)

But it's really hard to keep the thoughts just IN OUR HEADS, so there comes what would be the self-fulfilling prophecy (I'm now-where near a Psycho. student, so DON'T take this as an academic definition k!)

All these just to justify my new year resolutions for the next year, 2009. This year, I'm avoiding horoscope predictions, Almanac or any form of divination of my year's fortune. Instead of praying for hope, luck, and great happenings, I'll rather not risk changing my mind into a messed-up fate book.

Setting in stone will be MY OWN hopes and resolutions - RESOLUTE SOLUTIONS. I'm starting this time with optimism(though I still have a twenny-weeny part that wishes me less optimistic) and most of all for the first time in since I turn a teen, feeling my actual age. I'm going to have a 19th year old (not too soon 20) 2009. (I suppose last year's resolution suceeded in removing the 10 year older mentality)

I'm not going to intentionally thrive to make mistakes, but to let my youth work that part out. To take chances and give myself chances. More so after my scary attempt at Freakish makeup for the countdown party last night, OMG! I and WY, Syl, Fanny was over make-uped, but I didn't mentally beat myself up (Which is totally un-me) at all (Well maybe for 3 mins). I was also awkward and out of conversation at ALOT of times, but yet I managed to enjoy it without OVERTHINKING and OVER ANALYZING every thing.

Beautiful is youth, strange that I'm only feeling this now. I'm going to let myself enjoy it, and maybe at some point I'll stop freaking at the concept of friends - and learn to love more than myself. But for now, I'm satisfied.

Revealing my Family set of New Year Resolutions of 2009 (I actually have 2 sets: another with Syl, WY and Fanny)

STAR Family Resolutions:
- Every 2 months have a family meal outside of home.
- Maintain having Saturday dinners with Aunt Sandra: min 75% attendance rate AND have 2 min. extended family meals.
- Keep Tempers in check toward Family, ESP towards Dad and Mum. At most be grouchy and grumpy NO MORE!
---------------------------------------------------

1. Academic: All Modules (Avg of all components) be minimum Class 1
Should not be hard, really... If I actually gave 3-5 weeks in advance to prepare for all Reports, Essays, Projects. Besides, this is a sell your soul to devil deal. Do or Die.

2. PERSON-ality: To be more responsibly responsive:
Keep Phone Close: Reply msgs within 2 hours of receipt and Answer phone when called.
This one for me and my friends. I know a couple of people who would like me to pick up the phone and reply sms-es, for a change. Part of the initiative to break out of the vicious cycle that alienates me. Step 1: Fixing my phone at the service center.

3. SOCIAL Life: Every 2 weeks, to hang out with Friends once.
I'll work on this. Apparently, it's lacking in my New Year Resolutions's all rounded-ness. I couldn't convince Jas and Jo to change this one to a Yes-day of the week. Because, it will be really dangerous for me to be at Little India saying YES to all requests. Thriving after all, I'm planning a sleep-over or Dinner at NTU next week.

4. Enrichment: Visit Art Exhibitions (min. 2) and Performance of any form (min. 1) - OR in any combination totaling to min. 3 per month.
This ones' a discipline issue. I was supposed to catch Snow White, All the Biennale exhibits, Some school production, etc this hols. NONE DONE. Self-explanatory right?

5. Finances: New Savings of $1750, consisting of Prudential Savings and POSB Savings
I definitely need to work out a finance budget for this one. GOD! For allocating Splurge-able and Un-splurge-ables. And note to self: Call Sina for Pru-savings.

6. Interest: Complete 1 year-long of French Studies for the Exams
This one has been there un-officially for about 7 years, about time to make it official and into action. I don't have many 7 years you know.

7. PERSON-ality: Don’t make empty promises
Keep to my word, when given to ANY third party.
Success Indicator: Broken promises count: less or equals to 5
Uncontested. This is the most difficult resolution in all 10. I figured telling lies in place of truth, is an inherent armor, I still cannot remove YET(it's like the iron man's mask welded painfully onto my skin). But, the least I could do is a conscious effort to make myself responsible for every word I say. TRY jeanie. TRY hard.


8. Tong Tong: Train TT till no longer picks food or items off the floor.
Success Indicator: NO accidents of this nature, which sends him to the vet, AND After June: incidents must be less than 10 times
Read yesterday's entry. Tong Tong ended his 2008 with a BANG. OMG!

9. Health and Lifestyle: Sports and Exercise totally to min 2.5 Hrs per week (NOT to be carried over or averaged)
Well. Could be translated to spending more time with TT, though I really should thrive to wake up early to bring him for his walks. Will be sleeping on that thought.

10. EARTHLING: Be more Eco-friendly
Recycle and Sell/ Give away unwanted/usable items every 2 months, and use when reasonable MY ECO-FRIENDLY shopping bag.
According to many, this one is very question mark. To me however, it's well an identity. Like Vegan, Drug Dealer, ECO-ist, etc. The last one, is definitely the easiest for now. Plus maybe I should include not buying new cosmetics, stationary, creams, etc until the previous one is DEPLETED. ^.-

Over with the new resolutions, my room is still unpacked (with a new battle mess in on the dressing table after today's makeup session). But I did enter my next ENTIRE semester timetable into my iCal and Ipod touch - while I was waiting in vain for 2pm for my treatment appointment, which was cancelled without my knowledge (don't even get me started on this).

To Do List:
1. Input New Year Resolutions in to Ipod touch
2. Fix phone
3. Clear Room
4. Settle Tuition Fee
5. Do up Financial Budgeting
6. Call Sina regarding savings plan.

Ending my 1st '09 entry. Happy New Year to those readings. Remember to seize your life like what I'm trying to do. LIVE IT WELL, LIFE'S NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL.
Sometime soon, jeanie.

Songs on my current playlist: 2009.. Snowflakes, by White Apple Tree

Feeling like I know the words
Of a song I have not wrote
A song of Love, A song of Hope
A song that guides me down this road

A snowflake falls unto my cheek
As I wake up from a distant sleep
I stand up dazed as I look around
What is this place that I have found?