睡不好。吃不好。
卻沒有勇氣，正面突破。
感覺我會後悔的。
困擾中。。。。
December 12, 2009
November 20, 2009
After examination to do list:
Seriously:
1. Study for SAT AGAIN!
2. Continue with Project and find sponsor and venue AGAIN.
3. Confirm colleges to apply for and start writing entrance essays.
4. Do the god-damn cyber museum project.
But SERIOUSLY.. heck that... I'm GOING to
1. Sleep for 48 hours and don't even consider waking up when kissed
2. Get slooshed at Clarke Quay and howl like a pro twilight extra
3. Go for a shopping marathon and forget that i'm on a savings plan
4. Go for a movie marathon after the shopping one.
5. Sit down in some teahouse and people watch for an afternoon.
6. Write down things to do 101 with my dearies after THEIR exams are over.
7. Do things 101 that i wrote in no.6.
8. Read the million books i ordered the day before and super soak in their melodrama-ness
9. Read some chim philospher's poem and dallying in words.
10. Bring tong tong out for a walk. And just enjoy the air OUTSIDE of this room.
If only tomorrow 4.30 pm will come right now.
But then again, why am i not studying (have not done much of it) for the 2.30pm paper tmr. LAST ten hours.
I hear the clock ticking ... ... ...
Seriously:
1. Study for SAT AGAIN!
2. Continue with Project and find sponsor and venue AGAIN.
3. Confirm colleges to apply for and start writing entrance essays.
4. Do the god-damn cyber museum project.
But SERIOUSLY.. heck that... I'm GOING to
1. Sleep for 48 hours and don't even consider waking up when kissed
2. Get slooshed at Clarke Quay and howl like a pro twilight extra
3. Go for a shopping marathon and forget that i'm on a savings plan
4. Go for a movie marathon after the shopping one.
5. Sit down in some teahouse and people watch for an afternoon.
6. Write down things to do 101 with my dearies after THEIR exams are over.
7. Do things 101 that i wrote in no.6.
8. Read the million books i ordered the day before and super soak in their melodrama-ness
9. Read some chim philospher's poem and dallying in words.
10. Bring tong tong out for a walk. And just enjoy the air OUTSIDE of this room.
If only tomorrow 4.30 pm will come right now.
But then again, why am i not studying (have not done much of it) for the 2.30pm paper tmr. LAST ten hours.
I hear the clock ticking ... ... ...
November 17, 2009
November 10, 2009
satisfaction
I struggled to finish, but in entirely about 12 hours work..
i completed the design section of my this year's coursework. Faster then any other component of my course, and i'm far more satisfied.
This is definitely, one of those day when you start wondering if i should have went to design school, when they waved fervently at me?
My proud accomplishment -
But then again its not exactly professional. Well enjoyment, talent and accomplishment rarely equates. To completing the truly important of my workload - the essays..
i completed the design section of my this year's coursework. Faster then any other component of my course, and i'm far more satisfied.
This is definitely, one of those day when you start wondering if i should have went to design school, when they waved fervently at me?
My proud accomplishment -
But then again its not exactly professional. Well enjoyment, talent and accomplishment rarely equates. To completing the truly important of my workload - the essays..
November 8, 2009
left behind by time
Suddenly, i looked at my ical on the desktop screen and realized that it is nov 7. Somehow, without much of my noticing it, time flew by. And now, i'm 1 year older, but i guess not necessarily wiser.
The many turn of events, and many of my inherent characteristics that surfaced in response brought me back to a crossroad and new realization. It seems that because of what happened in phuket and the new thoughts infused into my life, i became increasingly trusting and dependent on others.
The strength that i have gathered at the start of the semester, have worn off.
In the end, revealing the face once so familiar. The same one that hides from the world, and covers her eyes under the pillow, convinced that she could live with practically nothing - no pride, no praise, no pragmatic work. In short, the need to take shortcuts, easy paths and be a coward.
My assignments remain undone, emails read but shafted into the recesses of my head.
And I realized that i always thought that ultimately, i'm the only one who has the power to destroy myself. The battle goes on, responsibility versus my true nature.
I wish i'll make the right choices this time. And not worry about the decisions I made, or even question if i want that future. Because, as of now i have no future to worry about.
The many turn of events, and many of my inherent characteristics that surfaced in response brought me back to a crossroad and new realization. It seems that because of what happened in phuket and the new thoughts infused into my life, i became increasingly trusting and dependent on others.
The strength that i have gathered at the start of the semester, have worn off.
In the end, revealing the face once so familiar. The same one that hides from the world, and covers her eyes under the pillow, convinced that she could live with practically nothing - no pride, no praise, no pragmatic work. In short, the need to take shortcuts, easy paths and be a coward.
My assignments remain undone, emails read but shafted into the recesses of my head.
And I realized that i always thought that ultimately, i'm the only one who has the power to destroy myself. The battle goes on, responsibility versus my true nature.
I wish i'll make the right choices this time. And not worry about the decisions I made, or even question if i want that future. Because, as of now i have no future to worry about.
October 21, 2009
Well, this is one of the days... when you wake up back into a life of nightmare.
And tries to ignore it before it smacks you over right in the front of you face.
If I had a fire alarm in my head, it should be ringing now. But in all sense that defies logic, it's not.
I've been irresponsible with my project, allowing the excuses and the inaction or action of other people become my own. I've been dallying around, letting the trivial matters take center stage while I tip-toes around the heart of the matters I didn't know where to start from.
I look into the mirror, and said this would change. But as I sit before the computer, I'm distracted once more. I'm going to now hold on to to-do lists, and packed to the minute timetablings, so I don't give myself the liberty to think or to wander. Thinking is for later. Right now, I think doing is much more appropriate.
And tries to ignore it before it smacks you over right in the front of you face.
If I had a fire alarm in my head, it should be ringing now. But in all sense that defies logic, it's not.
I've been irresponsible with my project, allowing the excuses and the inaction or action of other people become my own. I've been dallying around, letting the trivial matters take center stage while I tip-toes around the heart of the matters I didn't know where to start from.
I look into the mirror, and said this would change. But as I sit before the computer, I'm distracted once more. I'm going to now hold on to to-do lists, and packed to the minute timetablings, so I don't give myself the liberty to think or to wander. Thinking is for later. Right now, I think doing is much more appropriate.
October 18, 2009
Some days... i hope it's that simple...
那是个月亮 就是个月亮 并不是地上霜
那地上花瓣 看完了就完
没必要再联想
甚么秋水 怎么望穿
甚么灯火 怎么阑珊
打开门就见山 我见山就是山
本来就很简单 不找自己麻烦
痛就痛 伤救伤
是谁说肝肠会寸断
点了灯就会亮 关了灯就会暗
谁活得不耐烦 哪里来的感慨'
And after the emotions die down, looking at it through formalist eyes....
I do hope everything is that simple. No more reading between the lines. No more guessing of allusions or allegories. No more paradoxes or oxymorons.
Of course, I feel this way after studying hmmm half of half a day of SAT literature. (Spend the other three-quarters slacking... oh dear...)
那地上花瓣 看完了就完
没必要再联想
甚么秋水 怎么望穿
甚么灯火 怎么阑珊
打开门就见山 我见山就是山
本来就很简单 不找自己麻烦
痛就痛 伤救伤
是谁说肝肠会寸断
点了灯就会亮 关了灯就会暗
谁活得不耐烦 哪里来的感慨'
And after the emotions die down, looking at it through formalist eyes....
I do hope everything is that simple. No more reading between the lines. No more guessing of allusions or allegories. No more paradoxes or oxymorons.
Of course, I feel this way after studying hmmm half of half a day of SAT literature. (Spend the other three-quarters slacking... oh dear...)
October 12, 2009
skeletons in my cupboard
Feeling existential today. And someone in class commented ther other day in Art Theory Class that existential essentially means in modern words - emo.
More than anything else, the body feels hollowed out; every signal detected in the cranial brain forms echos and loud resonance that throbs against the heart. Resulting in bruises where the scars have been.
For a temporal moment, almost everything is over. For now. The SAT 1 that required concentration, driven by my need to prove for once that I could complete and work hard. The attachment that has been nothing but a nuisance blockage to be passed; in all sense of irony made me out to be a nuisance the organizers wished to dispose of.
In this moment, I pause before I plunge into the deep waters once more, I find myself breathless as the hidden currents swept me away into a whirl pool. Problems, issues and skeletons in the past arising from my recent endeavors, those I had ignored, came over like the waters that swallowed me whole. I didn't find air, I found the burning flames.
The fair attachment was far from expectations, though I'm not sure if its mine or the organizers. It changed my perspectives and added doubts like salt and pepper to my plans.
Perhaps, I'm not as successful as I thought. Maybe, the false facade shows. In the flamboyant, showy display of emotions, and smart witty words, my falsity and shallow emotions stuck out like neon lights in the village night skies. The subtleties of the industry drives me to the wall; I'm reminded of the reasons I left the biennale. The reasons and emotions that I've almost psycho-ed myself to forget( till now), that I was successful and welcomed in the council and my ex-working team.
The managers who saw me as a fly to be swat and to be asked to leave. Indignant, and pride then flared in response refused to be kept in check - my cool exterior was after all not seamless. Sickness, whether real or false entered the stage once more, uninvited but evidently not wanting to leave. Lies and cover-ups that came up in conversations as the urge to blend in and maintain the masquerade.
The regret deftly stirred into the pot as HC students came up to the counter. The has been, could be stood as reminders in stark contrast to my own predicament of counter jobs and factory packing. The regrets and pain that could not be showed and could only be covered up with more lies.
The finishing blow didn't come till, a classmate voiced and second for the first time in my life - the mask that I held all these while. I suddenly realized today the large difference between knowing the facade yourself and having others see it and believe it.
"J, have you hit puberty?" I was wondering her point of this conversation. Then she directed it in the direction of my lack of interest in boys, and I got it. I do have a healthy interest in relationships and love, though rarely in specific males. But, the mask I wore does not have this interest, she is flawless, focused and without distractions.
I answered: "Yes, but I was born without a heart." Sightly truthful, as I didn't put my heart into most of the things I do everyday. All conversations were held for the every purpose of holding them - I never remember details about others, all these being insignificant to me.
The hollowness within me echo-ed out. And kept ringing through the train ride home.
For now. that's all I'm echo-ing here.
I'm going to stop it with productive work. I refuse to drown in this pain, I'll rather drown building a different future. The only problem being: I'm running short on oxygen and strength.
More than anything else, the body feels hollowed out; every signal detected in the cranial brain forms echos and loud resonance that throbs against the heart. Resulting in bruises where the scars have been.
For a temporal moment, almost everything is over. For now. The SAT 1 that required concentration, driven by my need to prove for once that I could complete and work hard. The attachment that has been nothing but a nuisance blockage to be passed; in all sense of irony made me out to be a nuisance the organizers wished to dispose of.
In this moment, I pause before I plunge into the deep waters once more, I find myself breathless as the hidden currents swept me away into a whirl pool. Problems, issues and skeletons in the past arising from my recent endeavors, those I had ignored, came over like the waters that swallowed me whole. I didn't find air, I found the burning flames.
The fair attachment was far from expectations, though I'm not sure if its mine or the organizers. It changed my perspectives and added doubts like salt and pepper to my plans.
Perhaps, I'm not as successful as I thought. Maybe, the false facade shows. In the flamboyant, showy display of emotions, and smart witty words, my falsity and shallow emotions stuck out like neon lights in the village night skies. The subtleties of the industry drives me to the wall; I'm reminded of the reasons I left the biennale. The reasons and emotions that I've almost psycho-ed myself to forget( till now), that I was successful and welcomed in the council and my ex-working team.
The managers who saw me as a fly to be swat and to be asked to leave. Indignant, and pride then flared in response refused to be kept in check - my cool exterior was after all not seamless. Sickness, whether real or false entered the stage once more, uninvited but evidently not wanting to leave. Lies and cover-ups that came up in conversations as the urge to blend in and maintain the masquerade.
The regret deftly stirred into the pot as HC students came up to the counter. The has been, could be stood as reminders in stark contrast to my own predicament of counter jobs and factory packing. The regrets and pain that could not be showed and could only be covered up with more lies.
The finishing blow didn't come till, a classmate voiced and second for the first time in my life - the mask that I held all these while. I suddenly realized today the large difference between knowing the facade yourself and having others see it and believe it.
"J, have you hit puberty?" I was wondering her point of this conversation. Then she directed it in the direction of my lack of interest in boys, and I got it. I do have a healthy interest in relationships and love, though rarely in specific males. But, the mask I wore does not have this interest, she is flawless, focused and without distractions.
I answered: "Yes, but I was born without a heart." Sightly truthful, as I didn't put my heart into most of the things I do everyday. All conversations were held for the every purpose of holding them - I never remember details about others, all these being insignificant to me.
The hollowness within me echo-ed out. And kept ringing through the train ride home.
For now. that's all I'm echo-ing here.
I'm going to stop it with productive work. I refuse to drown in this pain, I'll rather drown building a different future. The only problem being: I'm running short on oxygen and strength.
October 4, 2009
原来爱情从来没离开过， 只是我记得。 你忘了。
there's something wrong with my internet but I'm still going to write this post , hoping that it is unaffected by the eccentricity of my computer's whim. Also because there's a lack of audience and people I can discuss what I have now in mind. Apparently, my future isn't that exciting or important.
After an over-hour long talk with my parents, (almost forcing them more than half the time to face the fact that yes, after everything life --- with my help has thrown my way - i'm trying give it my best for my latest pursuit and if I could study aboard. I would) Though I left the room knowing that they caught little of the things I said, as just I listened little of the things they preached, believed I'm on better grounds. Now I know that I have a budget of 150 000SGD to 180k max for my entire college career. I know for sure, it's not enough for a 4 year education in Brown or in any college in USA, without financial aid.
And the biggest problem I have now is to draw the line between positive thinking a.k.a optimism and the harshness of reality. I did a oracle reading, first thing I came home. The cards, now already familiar to me, came telling me that Brown (my question) would be possible with (1) Believe in yourself, (2) Very soon, (3) with practice.
I truly hope that that's true. Because in reality while the talk by the admission director nearly drove me to tears with the things that I wanted so badly, the people I spoke briefly with did too drive me with tears - of hopelessness that is. Of course, I am not an academic elite. No As. No A levels, No Bs either. No IBs...
MY itunes is playing now.... "my life is brilliant... my love is pure... i saw an angel of that i'm sure.... i won't lose some sleep on that, coz' i've got a plan..... you're beautiful.. you're beautiful, I saw your face in a crowded place. But I don't know what to do. Coz I'll never be with you. "
In all irony, yup. Brown's great. I've plan. But many, would think cause I'll never be in there.
The oracle card read - draw a cross over those who think or say that you'll not be successful, and use your action to prove them wrong. The power of positive thinking.
I will not regret I guess my path and state today, as I told Fanny in the cabbie, sometimes we have to be in all the wrong places to realize how wrong we've been all these while. While yesterday is lost indeed ( with bbqs, escapism and wii noises), I hope today and tomorrow remains in my hands and I'll sculpt it into something before I lose them to the infinity.
I'm little lost and disappointed tonight. This soul hangs, supported only by a truly grateful heart for friendships.
I'm very tired and weary now. This body presses on, driven only by a weaken will to wavering cause.
I'm probably going to sleep later. This sleep lingers, awaited by my IT website due tommorrow, and a vocab list, 4 SAT practises, a letter and thank you note to the admission director, a letter to the transport minister, another letter to NAC, Nadia, an email to Eilena to get designers, a curatorial brief for MOMENTS, my evaluation statement for the proposal. And if I could, I want to finish the The Elements of Style.
A listening ear or hug would be appreciated. Restful sleep would be nice. A time-turn would save my life...
the song ends: "but it's time to face the truth.. I will never be with you..." I hope not.
After an over-hour long talk with my parents, (almost forcing them more than half the time to face the fact that yes, after everything life --- with my help has thrown my way - i'm trying give it my best for my latest pursuit and if I could study aboard. I would) Though I left the room knowing that they caught little of the things I said, as just I listened little of the things they preached, believed I'm on better grounds. Now I know that I have a budget of 150 000SGD to 180k max for my entire college career. I know for sure, it's not enough for a 4 year education in Brown or in any college in USA, without financial aid.
And the biggest problem I have now is to draw the line between positive thinking a.k.a optimism and the harshness of reality. I did a oracle reading, first thing I came home. The cards, now already familiar to me, came telling me that Brown (my question) would be possible with (1) Believe in yourself, (2) Very soon, (3) with practice.
I truly hope that that's true. Because in reality while the talk by the admission director nearly drove me to tears with the things that I wanted so badly, the people I spoke briefly with did too drive me with tears - of hopelessness that is. Of course, I am not an academic elite. No As. No A levels, No Bs either. No IBs...
MY itunes is playing now.... "my life is brilliant... my love is pure... i saw an angel of that i'm sure.... i won't lose some sleep on that, coz' i've got a plan..... you're beautiful.. you're beautiful, I saw your face in a crowded place. But I don't know what to do. Coz I'll never be with you. "
In all irony, yup. Brown's great. I've plan. But many, would think cause I'll never be in there.
The oracle card read - draw a cross over those who think or say that you'll not be successful, and use your action to prove them wrong. The power of positive thinking.
I will not regret I guess my path and state today, as I told Fanny in the cabbie, sometimes we have to be in all the wrong places to realize how wrong we've been all these while. While yesterday is lost indeed ( with bbqs, escapism and wii noises), I hope today and tomorrow remains in my hands and I'll sculpt it into something before I lose them to the infinity.
I'm little lost and disappointed tonight. This soul hangs, supported only by a truly grateful heart for friendships.
I'm very tired and weary now. This body presses on, driven only by a weaken will to wavering cause.
I'm probably going to sleep later. This sleep lingers, awaited by my IT website due tommorrow, and a vocab list, 4 SAT practises, a letter and thank you note to the admission director, a letter to the transport minister, another letter to NAC, Nadia, an email to Eilena to get designers, a curatorial brief for MOMENTS, my evaluation statement for the proposal. And if I could, I want to finish the The Elements of Style.
A listening ear or hug would be appreciated. Restful sleep would be nice. A time-turn would save my life...
the song ends: "but it's time to face the truth.. I will never be with you..." I hope not.
September 28, 2009
Apparently you're supposed to start the essay with a hook. A personal hook.
Try this:
" My life sucks" or maybe "there's no bigger loser than one who reads about loser. guess that make you one.."
Or whatever.
I'm really not in the mood of stressing my poor soul any further. Instead what I really yearn to do is to get bloody, and to rip up my head and with bare hands remove the blockage in my brain and juice it before i empty it into the nearest drainage system.
Stress and angst frustration have fill my lungs to its brim as I can hear the invisible clock ticking behind my shoulder. Time slips by like the passing wind, leaving with little but doubts and regrets.
I swore to NEVER go down without a worthy fight this time.
But like never before, (emphasis: never before) the demons within and in the external worlds unite to test the very limits of my determination and inconsistent persistence ( a paradox, I know)
The many rules and laws of grammar, of structures, or SAT methodology swimming in my clouded head with vague statements that nag at my every phrase or word. The pencil resists the mental flow of my words, refusing my pleas to facilitate thought and writing. Mentally, I shouted "Shut Up" only to hear reverberations of more nagging revisions or work obligations. My bid to the maddening noise lost to me in the noise I seek to silence.
Repeat to me: your english is not that bad. And say this again: You have a mind of your own and sound opinions. Lastly: you are not an ITE student. Oh! I forgot: the 25 minutes you have is over. You fail this essay once more.
Try this:
" My life sucks" or maybe "there's no bigger loser than one who reads about loser. guess that make you one.."
Or whatever.
I'm really not in the mood of stressing my poor soul any further. Instead what I really yearn to do is to get bloody, and to rip up my head and with bare hands remove the blockage in my brain and juice it before i empty it into the nearest drainage system.
Stress and angst frustration have fill my lungs to its brim as I can hear the invisible clock ticking behind my shoulder. Time slips by like the passing wind, leaving with little but doubts and regrets.
I swore to NEVER go down without a worthy fight this time.
But like never before, (emphasis: never before) the demons within and in the external worlds unite to test the very limits of my determination and inconsistent persistence ( a paradox, I know)
The many rules and laws of grammar, of structures, or SAT methodology swimming in my clouded head with vague statements that nag at my every phrase or word. The pencil resists the mental flow of my words, refusing my pleas to facilitate thought and writing. Mentally, I shouted "Shut Up" only to hear reverberations of more nagging revisions or work obligations. My bid to the maddening noise lost to me in the noise I seek to silence.
Repeat to me: your english is not that bad. And say this again: You have a mind of your own and sound opinions. Lastly: you are not an ITE student. Oh! I forgot: the 25 minutes you have is over. You fail this essay once more.
August 26, 2009
the clock is ticking...
my red bull is flowing...
but my adrenaline has yet to kick in....
How is it possible for me to want to slack of so badly, when my 1500-2000 word report is due like tmr, 5 pm in like less than 17 hours time... (well, maybe that really sounds like alot of time)...
But i have to be in school at 9... take 9 hours off the time line... 8hours to completion.. sorry wrong term to use 8 hours to complete....
To me, to red bull, to miracles. Cheers, jeanie
my red bull is flowing...
but my adrenaline has yet to kick in....
How is it possible for me to want to slack of so badly, when my 1500-2000 word report is due like tmr, 5 pm in like less than 17 hours time... (well, maybe that really sounds like alot of time)...
But i have to be in school at 9... take 9 hours off the time line... 8hours to completion.. sorry wrong term to use 8 hours to complete....
To me, to red bull, to miracles. Cheers, jeanie
August 25, 2009
the more enjoyable half of the work... planing.. not doing
Damn the deleted my post....
but anyways I'm still showing off..
Click on the pictures for full impact... While I RELIST my to-do list for today..
- Circles topic in SAT MATHS WKBK, leaving 2 topics and 2 practise tests for the week
- Print Accounting Homework
- 1500 words on Art Singapore Profile and Pers
onal Profile- Prepare for Venue Owner's Meeting tomorrow.
- Prepare for General Meeting (so the slackers can have a title change for once)
and hopefully a good night sleep like tong, who is now sleeping in MY corner of MY bed...
惭愧中崩溃
There something about triangles that drives me nuts.. I've spent the past 3 hours on the same freaking Triangle chapter and still managed a stats of 14/34 wrong, of which 5 are left blank. If i weren't outside in starbucks, I'll be screaming and tearing up the entire god-damm workbook.
I'm taking a breather now, before I decipher how and why the hell - my mistakes are mistakes. I try to comfort myself that slow and lousy work is better than slacking off, something which I would probably be doing if I stayed at home, instead of being here and sipping my already diluted caramel macchiato (however you spell that)
But I still did some things before the bloody triangles. like my schedules are done - FINALLY. Am proud, but it seems insignificant in comparison to the bloody triangle frustration i'm channeling now.
I'm taking a breather now, before I decipher how and why the hell - my mistakes are mistakes. I try to comfort myself that slow and lousy work is better than slacking off, something which I would probably be doing if I stayed at home, instead of being here and sipping my already diluted caramel macchiato (however you spell that)
But I still did some things before the bloody triangles. like my schedules are done - FINALLY. Am proud, but it seems insignificant in comparison to the bloody triangle frustration i'm channeling now.
August 23, 2009
The butterfly effect
一隻蝴蝶在巴西扇動翅膀會在德克薩斯引起龍捲風嗎？
I'm afraid and in panic. But all that does not explain why I'm on my bed typing this entry, instead of dealing with the many lists and list of to-dos and must-dos....
The entire day went by, I must have closed my eyes. If I didn't, why don't I remember how the day was wasted?
It must be that moment of weakness, a wrong decision on friday like the flapping of the butterfly, causing a whole tornado in my life.
I'm seeking shelter and i'm fighting on...
A complete paradox and utterly self-contradictory.. once again the story of my life....
August 22, 2009
August 20, 2009
Theme songs for the remaining of the year.. coming..
1. 够爱 － Theme of Courage for love and for fighting for all else that matters
世界一直一直变 地球不停的转动 在你的时空
我从未退缩懦弱
2. 泪了 - Theme of leaving behind, keeping only the good stuff
有过的快乐 我都记得
回忆还旋转着 爱怎么停了 我们都累了
泪光在闪烁 而我的眼泪忍住 不敢坠落
3. 终极三国 － Theme of willful insistence and determination. I know my way now.
直到最后一刻绝不后退
泪水纷飞 也不能模糊我视线
世界一直一直变 地球不停的转动 在你的时空
我从未退缩懦弱
2. 泪了 - Theme of leaving behind, keeping only the good stuff
有过的快乐 我都记得
回忆还旋转着 爱怎么停了 我们都累了
泪光在闪烁 而我的眼泪忍住 不敢坠落
3. 终极三国 － Theme of willful insistence and determination. I know my way now.
直到最后一刻绝不后退
泪水纷飞 也不能模糊我视线
Am very irritable. Yet, still quite happy, or maybe more correctly: centered.
I kept snapping at people at home of the late (well actually just yesterday and today), because too much time and energy spent at school, saps the hell of life out of me. Yes, being agreeable when all alarm bells are screeching at the back of your head does that to you. Hugs and sorries to the people who will probably never read this apology. But i'm sending vibrations over ... - - -
In anyways, like what i sms-ed syl: my stress is going internal and my body swings AGAIN between diarrhea and well, the other extreme end.
Though I deserve Brownie points on that.
I was sick (well quite sick, thinking back) today after lunch. But unlike some other "whom i shall not name 1", I did not leave the class with excuses or what-so-ever. I stayed till the end of the day and tolerated class IN THE SAME ROOM, WITH THE SAME PEOPLE, for a total of 6 plus plus hours.
All these while reciting, when I'm conscious of it, my mental rituals of Worthy-ness, Courage, and the infamous "I LOVE MYSELF"
I feel centered and shamelessly loving towards myself today. But, while basking in that light, I stand in complete horrification that I am named the group leader of the project, with "whom i shall not name 1,2,3" who are terribly conceited and disorganized at best, hopeless and irresponsible at worst.
Then again, if the universe decrees it to be, so shall i be. From another view, why should i insist on being 诸葛亮, when I could be 曹操?
That's quite a good thought, but I know the deadlines won't be laughing with me.. if I don't pull up all my shoelaces (not that any of my shoes have them) and run when studying for everything.
I'm now waiting for dinner, for my work to be done AND for friday. TGIGF... thank god it's going to FRIDAY... and my XXXX will be out to fuel my cause.
To Do List for the weekend:
1. Read up on Art Theory stuff (shall do so while waiting for dinner)
2. Accounting Lecture and Tutorial Qn (Catch up on missed info < - wass zzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZ)
3. Do up Project Cal and brief freaking WISNNs on their work (and learn to hound for stuff like loansharks, should consult jojo on that one)
4. Finish all MATHS concepts and at least 4 more chapters of workbk
5. Read and start on "Cambridge Grammer of English" (Very much needed)
6. Plan deadline and General work schedule
7. (Let's hope it stops here)
ps: note to self to remember 3 theme songs of the remaining year. (See next post)
I kept snapping at people at home of the late (well actually just yesterday and today), because too much time and energy spent at school, saps the hell of life out of me. Yes, being agreeable when all alarm bells are screeching at the back of your head does that to you. Hugs and sorries to the people who will probably never read this apology. But i'm sending vibrations over ... - - -
In anyways, like what i sms-ed syl: my stress is going internal and my body swings AGAIN between diarrhea and well, the other extreme end.
Though I deserve Brownie points on that.
I was sick (well quite sick, thinking back) today after lunch. But unlike some other "whom i shall not name 1", I did not leave the class with excuses or what-so-ever. I stayed till the end of the day and tolerated class IN THE SAME ROOM, WITH THE SAME PEOPLE, for a total of 6 plus plus hours.
All these while reciting, when I'm conscious of it, my mental rituals of Worthy-ness, Courage, and the infamous "I LOVE MYSELF"
I feel centered and shamelessly loving towards myself today. But, while basking in that light, I stand in complete horrification that I am named the group leader of the project, with "whom i shall not name 1,2,3" who are terribly conceited and disorganized at best, hopeless and irresponsible at worst.
Then again, if the universe decrees it to be, so shall i be. From another view, why should i insist on being 诸葛亮, when I could be 曹操?
That's quite a good thought, but I know the deadlines won't be laughing with me.. if I don't pull up all my shoelaces (not that any of my shoes have them) and run when studying for everything.
I'm now waiting for dinner, for my work to be done AND for friday. TGIGF... thank god it's going to FRIDAY... and my XXXX will be out to fuel my cause.
To Do List for the weekend:
1. Read up on Art Theory stuff (shall do so while waiting for dinner)
2. Accounting Lecture and Tutorial Qn (Catch up on missed info < - wass zzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZ)
3. Do up Project Cal and brief freaking WISNNs on their work (and learn to hound for stuff like loansharks, should consult jojo on that one)
4. Finish all MATHS concepts and at least 4 more chapters of workbk
5. Read and start on "Cambridge Grammer of English" (Very much needed)
6. Plan deadline and General work schedule
7. (Let's hope it stops here)
ps: note to self to remember 3 theme songs of the remaining year. (See next post)
August 17, 2009
the limits of boredom... or more accurately the limits of the stupid and foolish things I do in passing time.
I have finally succumbed to the evils of my 14 day diarrhea and went to the docs. Armed with a lot more med (considerable improvement over my usual charcoal and 寶戟丸 routine） and a jab to my butt, my living conditions have improved. At least, my appetite's getting better, and meal intake has increase to normality. I conclude that my losing weight scheme shall limit itself to exercise only.
Speaking of which, I have not exercised much in the much past weeks, nothing new. But as 七月approaches - walks with tong will be reduced and I keep wondering if there's any thing 'pan-dang' about swimming in the seventh month....
Sighs, as for work. It NEVER reduces. And honestly, I won't be shocked or surprised to hear that instead of the.... (See below) the programming peeps decide to SUDDENLY add more projects or classes.
1 Aesthetics Thesis, 1 FuLL fLEDGE planning exhibition, 1 Research paper or prep (whatever they call it, it's still 2500 words), 1 practical attachment with (from today forth, increasing in length at their whim and wham), 1 accounting test (in wk 7), 2 reports (Each 2000words) for attachment, Unknown scale of IT DESIGN project..... almost forgot, virtual museum design
Enough of sarcasm and finger-pointing, work must still be done, the show must go on.. I just hope that I have enough supply of rosemary concentration essential oil to channel my scatter energies into all the above... in time for the deadlines.
I'm proud though of myself for the little step I've taken to be a better person. Winning my first "to go or not to go" mental battle this morning.
"to go to school or to NOT go to school". the answer is to sleep and see doc AND "go to school" AND "make up the missed class".
The minor problem that killed my elation over this betterment - the terrible and very much meaningless 35 min lesson, which was purported to be 2 hours.
Nevermind about that now. I have 1 1/2 day to work through some of the workload. And hopefully only a little of it will be spent on testing the limits of wasting time with XXXX searches (that looks so wrong... ^^)
Till then... jeanie
I have finally succumbed to the evils of my 14 day diarrhea and went to the docs. Armed with a lot more med (considerable improvement over my usual charcoal and 寶戟丸 routine） and a jab to my butt, my living conditions have improved. At least, my appetite's getting better, and meal intake has increase to normality. I conclude that my losing weight scheme shall limit itself to exercise only.
Speaking of which, I have not exercised much in the much past weeks, nothing new. But as 七月approaches - walks with tong will be reduced and I keep wondering if there's any thing 'pan-dang' about swimming in the seventh month....
Sighs, as for work. It NEVER reduces. And honestly, I won't be shocked or surprised to hear that instead of the.... (See below) the programming peeps decide to SUDDENLY add more projects or classes.
1 Aesthetics Thesis, 1 FuLL fLEDGE planning exhibition, 1 Research paper or prep (whatever they call it, it's still 2500 words), 1 practical attachment with (from today forth, increasing in length at their whim and wham), 1 accounting test (in wk 7), 2 reports (Each 2000words) for attachment, Unknown scale of IT DESIGN project..... almost forgot, virtual museum design
Enough of sarcasm and finger-pointing, work must still be done, the show must go on.. I just hope that I have enough supply of rosemary concentration essential oil to channel my scatter energies into all the above... in time for the deadlines.
I'm proud though of myself for the little step I've taken to be a better person. Winning my first "to go or not to go" mental battle this morning.
"to go to school or to NOT go to school". the answer is to sleep and see doc AND "go to school" AND "make up the missed class".
The minor problem that killed my elation over this betterment - the terrible and very much meaningless 35 min lesson, which was purported to be 2 hours.
Nevermind about that now. I have 1 1/2 day to work through some of the workload. And hopefully only a little of it will be spent on testing the limits of wasting time with XXXX searches (that looks so wrong... ^^)
Till then... jeanie
August 15, 2009
Keep Trying...
I keep trying to find a way to string my thoughts into words. But of I kept failing, my voice of reason and communication (though, since when did I have that?) has escaped and seem to not want to come back.
Read the past entries in VARIOUS previous blogs to get back the same feeling of writing once more. But nothing. NOTHING indeed. But like the giving birth process which is always unpleasant and sometimes (only) unproductive.
I'm going to force it. With bad grammar, vocab, maths and little recolllection of chemistry, lit and accounting.
Not that I've been working hard (well not that i've been working). Woke up to 14.04 today, and well till now. Kept going through shows, previews and all that crappy funny stuff on youtube.
Laughing is good for the soul, but just bad for the schedule. So I need to get to the "See Img 1"
(Self explanatory) and on my to-do list.
[On my desktop stickies]
To dos:
- Accounting Homework:
- Record ideas about the PVA project.
- Write exhibition brief
- think about thesis topic/subject
And I need to eat, more than a meal a day. So i'm having dinner with van and wym. and I missed (as in did not do) swimming and mediation and walking tong.
And I don't have a clue why i'm typing this out. It's interesting though, knowing that my brain is simply processing the facts, not mixing them with the clouds of acidic fumes of emotions under the beaker.
Death to the slacker, the TV obessed, the bedroom singer, the self-deceived. And rebirth to the slave-driven, the tireless worker and to the invisble hand that smacks me the next time - i reach for my mouse and clicks on youtube, baidu or even type the forbidden words XXXX. ^^
till next time, jeanie
Read the past entries in VARIOUS previous blogs to get back the same feeling of writing once more. But nothing. NOTHING indeed. But like the giving birth process which is always unpleasant and sometimes (only) unproductive.
I'm going to force it. With bad grammar, vocab, maths and little recolllection of chemistry, lit and accounting.
Not that I've been working hard (well not that i've been working). Woke up to 14.04 today, and well till now. Kept going through shows, previews and all that crappy funny stuff on youtube.
Laughing is good for the soul, but just bad for the schedule. So I need to get to the "See Img 1"
(Self explanatory) and on my to-do list.[On my desktop stickies]
To dos:
- Accounting Homework:
- Record ideas about the PVA project.
- Write exhibition brief
- think about thesis topic/subject
And I need to eat, more than a meal a day. So i'm having dinner with van and wym. and I missed (as in did not do) swimming and mediation and walking tong.
And I don't have a clue why i'm typing this out. It's interesting though, knowing that my brain is simply processing the facts, not mixing them with the clouds of acidic fumes of emotions under the beaker.
Death to the slacker, the TV obessed, the bedroom singer, the self-deceived. And rebirth to the slave-driven, the tireless worker and to the invisble hand that smacks me the next time - i reach for my mouse and clicks on youtube, baidu or even type the forbidden words XXXX. ^^
till next time, jeanie
August 6, 2009
have it your way.
have it your way.
I don't think so... because if I did I would be sleeping... though
I'ld rather have class start earlier so my day can end...
I don't think so... because if I did I would be sleeping... though
I'ld rather have class start earlier so my day can end...
by some kind of error of god, I mixed up my timings and thought class
started at 8.(but of course not, what kind of lasalle lecture does?)
so instead of the usual rush to hell, I'm enjoying my breakfast.. in
burger king, further pushing my affinity for fast food this week. I
find myself in quiet contemplation of how today will turn out....
rare and quite a nice change. but if I had it my way, I wouldn't
change the events but change my breakfast... no stomach for oily
burgers now....
August 5, 2009
more recyling.. this one later then 08.. still applying
仰起首，满天星子高挂了，不停闪烁着却比不上街灯来的绚烂，像我那曾坐拥的梦想，未曾来得及发光便日趋暗淡。
就像那天，和Van一起看芭蕾，坐在草地上的picnic mat指着比星球更闪烁更瞩目的人造卫星。我不想说那是种悲哀，只是人类进化的副作用罢了。为求进步而被舍弃的美丽。
近期，创作渐渐进入了一种呆滞的状态。并不是脑电波，停止了讯息地接受频率，只是慢慢斟酌着。心跳也渐渐有缓和现象。全身似乎只有脑袋在运作，感觉也有些麻痹。
选择，是一种人类的包袱。选择，将这样麻醉的自己浸泡在文字的虚拟，是种心灵的折磨。因为逃避，就好像是带着被捆绑在起点的绳线逃跑，忧虑始终不曾离身。有一天，线会走到尽头。有一天，有人会随着线路从起点找到自己。有一天，我会回头发现自己其实并没有离开原点。
尽管如此，我仍会沉醉在那浓缩的人生中，即使那并不是我真正的人生。我说：故事是 人生的片段剪辑，浓缩。让你来不及笑、来不及哭，却因为种种来不及的遗憾，而更显精彩。
是日子过得乏味吗？可能，那也或许是别人的故事无关紧要，对自己来说旁观的角度，比主角更为容易。很难得，这一次我想放弃众人的目光。
近来那些以往的噩梦，更频繁了。突然发现，原来一年的时间我直往前那么小的两步。
PS: 12.30PM 的房间很美，让人很难离开舒适的床 半步。
Thursday, September 13 07
发现忙碌并不是有效麻木的方法。从开学到现在，人生开始由空白到了一种狂风扫落叶的忙碌。几乎没有空隙，坐下来思考。能入脑的只有一个又一个赶不完的DEADLINE 。然后发现平凡，庸碌是种简单的幸福。每天回家，会开心地听着轻快的歌曲，一面微笑。
可是，人累了会休息。接踵而来的就是沉思。而这小小的缝隙会让那些被遗忘的恐惧、寂寞、悲伤像染料一样的将单纯的生活染成一片灰色的迷惘。
我想我依然没有变。潜在的我不满着目前的生活。该放下的身段，过往、谎言、骄傲，仍会出现在生活的每一转角。我仍会在人多的地方，感到寂寞。或许应该这样说吧，我又再次闯进一个我不属于的世界。
这个学院充满了梦想、和希望。这群人很单纯、很天真，有梦想，有冲劲。刚好，就是我所没有的一切。虽然，他们没有深想未来，却有着无限憧憬。而我呢，标准的麻木、心死、一个没有梦的人，活在这梦想盎然的土地，很可笑，很唐突、亦很痛苦。在这个于自己如此对比的空间，但白说我连呼吸都觉得痛苦。可是，我依然努力，努力生活，努力从头开始。在踏出第一步后，我便知道不能后悔，只能咬牙走完。我试过后悔，所以我知道现在所受的根本无算什么。当然，偶尔还是会忍不住埋怨。
学院真得很大，因为我常一个人走。上课，下课，午休。找不到频率相同的知音，疲倦了肤浅、表面的“朋友”。我想经历了很多，我对朋友有了重新的定义，不想要一群酒肉朋友，那只会让我乏力面对凸现出来的寂寞。
为什么，会寂寞? 是闲着无聊的无病呻吟吗？可能是吧！看了一本美国学生的日记。才发现很多人面对的即使是更可怕的种族歧视，死亡。可是寂寞，并不是我所想要得。这两个字听起来好浪漫，但深陷于寂寞沼泽中，这种浪漫是华丽的包装着一支支腐虫，腐蚀了生活中所有的颜色，一切归于黑白。
这两年的经历，自己从客观的角度分析，根本比鸿毛更轻更轻的事迹。我可以了解，但不能体谅别人对它的轻视。这种轻视，曾让我受伤，因为那是我的世界。就像一孩子不见了唯一的熊熊，而哭天呛地一样。那或许是一件很小很小的事。但那是他的全世界。在人类的世界，不是每样事，都能用实际轻重来衡量，每个人都有自己的小小世界。所以我会用像谈论国家大事的方式来提起我的过往。我想在这一切之后，我想要一个可以呼吸的地方。一个提供温暖、依靠的人。一个坚定停留、不动摇的理由。当然，那是比LV, PRADA , 更奢侈的奢华。
Recycling posts... and found them, still dishearteningly relevant. And found my surrounding merely colder and increasingly faithless.
可是，人累了会休息。接踵而来的就是沉思。而这小小的缝隙会让那些被遗忘的恐惧、寂寞、悲伤像染料一样的将单纯的生活染成一片灰色的迷惘。
我想我依然没有变。潜在的我不满着目前的生活。该放下的身段，过往、谎言、骄傲，仍会出现在生活的每一转角。我仍会在人多的地方，感到寂寞。或许应该这样说吧，我又再次闯进一个我不属于的世界。
这个学院充满了梦想、和希望。这群人很单纯、很天真，有梦想，有冲劲。刚好，就是我所没有的一切。虽然，他们没有深想未来，却有着无限憧憬。而我呢，标准的麻木、心死、一个没有梦的人，活在这梦想盎然的土地，很可笑，很唐突、亦很痛苦。在这个于自己如此对比的空间，但白说我连呼吸都觉得痛苦。可是，我依然努力，努力生活，努力从头开始。在踏出第一步后，我便知道不能后悔，只能咬牙走完。我试过后悔，所以我知道现在所受的根本无算什么。当然，偶尔还是会忍不住埋怨。
学院真得很大，因为我常一个人走。上课，下课，午休。找不到频率相同的知音，疲倦了肤浅、表面的“朋友”。我想经历了很多，我对朋友有了重新的定义，不想要一群酒肉朋友，那只会让我乏力面对凸现出来的寂寞。
为什么，会寂寞? 是闲着无聊的无病呻吟吗？可能是吧！看了一本美国学生的日记。才发现很多人面对的即使是更可怕的种族歧视，死亡。可是寂寞，并不是我所想要得。这两个字听起来好浪漫，但深陷于寂寞沼泽中，这种浪漫是华丽的包装着一支支腐虫，腐蚀了生活中所有的颜色，一切归于黑白。
这两年的经历，自己从客观的角度分析，根本比鸿毛更轻更轻的事迹。我可以了解，但不能体谅别人对它的轻视。这种轻视，曾让我受伤，因为那是我的世界。就像一孩子不见了唯一的熊熊，而哭天呛地一样。那或许是一件很小很小的事。但那是他的全世界。在人类的世界，不是每样事，都能用实际轻重来衡量，每个人都有自己的小小世界。所以我会用像谈论国家大事的方式来提起我的过往。我想在这一切之后，我想要一个可以呼吸的地方。一个提供温暖、依靠的人。一个坚定停留、不动摇的理由。当然，那是比LV, PRADA , 更奢侈的奢华。
Recycling posts... and found them, still dishearteningly relevant. And found my surrounding merely colder and increasingly faithless.
May 9, 2009
Bethany Joy Galeotti- Feel This
It's gotta be this one
Don't have to fake it
You know I can take it
What if I told you
Your tears
Haven't been ignored
And everything
That is taken
Can be restored
Feel this
Can you feel this
My heart beating
Out of my chest
Feel this
Can you feel this
Salvation
Under my breath
It's gotta be
Disguised
Soul and script
Caught in the mirror
What if I told you
That in a sense is yours
And beauty you have now
Is brighter than before
Before
Let go, let go, let go
Let go, let go, let go
Let go
Don't have to fake it
You know I can take it
What if I told you
Your tears
Haven't been ignored
And everything
That is taken
Can be restored
Feel this
Can you feel this
My heart beating
Out of my chest
Feel this
Can you feel this
Salvation
Under my breath
It's gotta be
Disguised
Soul and script
Caught in the mirror
What if I told you
That in a sense is yours
And beauty you have now
Is brighter than before
Before
Let go, let go, let go
Let go, let go, let go
Let go
April 5, 2009
归
一年了。 任凭时间让我随波逐溜。
却又回到了，用中文文字来雕切能说的话。
因为，心中的情绪好深。
也只有在脑海中思量许久后，
才能过滤出能说出来，
却不会流露出太多情感的一字一句。
还没到伤口能愈合的时间， 无法让伤口曝光。
隐讳的伤口，让我混乱得已分不清病因和病症。
却又回到了，用中文文字来雕切能说的话。
因为，心中的情绪好深。
也只有在脑海中思量许久后，
才能过滤出能说出来，
却不会流露出太多情感的一字一句。
还没到伤口能愈合的时间， 无法让伤口曝光。
隐讳的伤口，让我混乱得已分不清病因和病症。
March 25, 2009
Depression Logging.
Tues 17 Mar.
The swirls got crazy. and got me dizzy. I got off holding my stomach with my right hand, in my left: the evidence of impossible failure. You know that they say reality always knocks the hardest at the softest, weakest spot. I'm wounded. So I stop, ranted and pretended -that i've moved on.
Wed, 18 Mar.
Still pretending that all wounds are healing on the outside with medical painkilling aids. Was in class, then left with a queasy sense that the festering pain came from older wounds, and somewhere much deeper in my depth-less being.
I shoved the blankets over my head and hoped that the nightmare won't be remembered. Conveniently forgetting that I have already left the main tracks into the wilderness.
Thurs, 19 Mar
The holidays started without official notice. If my life was a quilt, the threads are baring thin now. More verbal vomiting pouring out into the open. The signs are clear, clearer as I ran physically and saw the mirroring actions. Trying again to miss the repercussions.
Fri, 20 Mar
Woke up to nothingness. Life progressed into slumber and delusions. Beauty of some kind came in the form of cover-ups and masks. Sliding into delirium, as I poured toxic into my soul. Giving the dark and suppressed, a reason to surface and pursue the truth that has been denied into eternity.
And remember the murmurs, as we all held and cried. Helpless to help either of us with the problems that matters.
Sat, 21 Mar.
If March only had 20 days, I might not have to wake up to sore and bumps. But I did not get a concussion, no matter how loud the 'thud' when I knocked my head. If only I did, then I wouldn't wake up to memories and recollections. At least, I had an excuse. I watched her pretend that yesterday was about someone else, and continued with the life we couldn't and wouldn't leave behind us.
Sun, 22 Mar.
Trying to leave. and to claim that it is over.
Mon, 23 Mar.
Gone and away. driving everyone further and further away from the coast.
Tues, 24 Mar.
Over. And wasted. I want leave. to disappear. and the solutions aren't really solutions anymore.
The swirls got crazy. and got me dizzy. I got off holding my stomach with my right hand, in my left: the evidence of impossible failure. You know that they say reality always knocks the hardest at the softest, weakest spot. I'm wounded. So I stop, ranted and pretended -that i've moved on.
Wed, 18 Mar.
Still pretending that all wounds are healing on the outside with medical painkilling aids. Was in class, then left with a queasy sense that the festering pain came from older wounds, and somewhere much deeper in my depth-less being.
I shoved the blankets over my head and hoped that the nightmare won't be remembered. Conveniently forgetting that I have already left the main tracks into the wilderness.
Thurs, 19 Mar
The holidays started without official notice. If my life was a quilt, the threads are baring thin now. More verbal vomiting pouring out into the open. The signs are clear, clearer as I ran physically and saw the mirroring actions. Trying again to miss the repercussions.
Fri, 20 Mar
Woke up to nothingness. Life progressed into slumber and delusions. Beauty of some kind came in the form of cover-ups and masks. Sliding into delirium, as I poured toxic into my soul. Giving the dark and suppressed, a reason to surface and pursue the truth that has been denied into eternity.
And remember the murmurs, as we all held and cried. Helpless to help either of us with the problems that matters.
Sat, 21 Mar.
If March only had 20 days, I might not have to wake up to sore and bumps. But I did not get a concussion, no matter how loud the 'thud' when I knocked my head. If only I did, then I wouldn't wake up to memories and recollections. At least, I had an excuse. I watched her pretend that yesterday was about someone else, and continued with the life we couldn't and wouldn't leave behind us.
Sun, 22 Mar.
Trying to leave. and to claim that it is over.
Mon, 23 Mar.
Gone and away. driving everyone further and further away from the coast.
Tues, 24 Mar.
Over. And wasted. I want leave. to disappear. and the solutions aren't really solutions anymore.
Augustana - Boston
In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...
You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,
Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...
You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,
Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,
March 2, 2009
Because I'm sick and tired of report-ing and coz' I'm eating my cuppa noonoo...
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh....
Jasmine I think you get the point... Come home...
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh....
Jasmine I think you get the point... Come home...
February 25, 2009
I think it's a goner.
I think I'll have to start from the beginning.
From a fresh blanc papier.
I hope the adrenaline rush comes soon.
I hope the passion gushes out of no where
Then, muses will inspire something.
Before the clock strikes 4 pm tomorrow.
I'm no cinderella.
But the clock is ticking.
And when this ends, for better or for worse.
I have another coming. and coming
You know this is what they say about life.
It's merry-go round.
You pay for the ride.
And go round in circles.
Circling on the same spot.
Until it signals for you to stop.
All this while, questioning why you got on in the first place.
I think I'll have to start from the beginning.
From a fresh blanc papier.
I hope the adrenaline rush comes soon.
I hope the passion gushes out of no where
Then, muses will inspire something.
Before the clock strikes 4 pm tomorrow.
I'm no cinderella.
But the clock is ticking.
And when this ends, for better or for worse.
I have another coming. and coming
You know this is what they say about life.
It's merry-go round.
You pay for the ride.
And go round in circles.
Circling on the same spot.
Until it signals for you to stop.
All this while, questioning why you got on in the first place.
February 20, 2009
Something's got over me.
Last morning, at 6.07am.
An idea of destruction struck and stayed to sow seeds of discord, between my better and worse halfs. Slumber as bait, I saw how difficult it would be to go to class at 10 am the same day. The ringing of past resolutions silent by the humming of temporal relief.
Last afternoon, at 4.47pm.
The car was in motion, my mouth chewing on the weird and very msg-ed chicken slice. My brains barely registering the french fries that went down minutes ago.
Last afternoon, at 4. 51pm
The doors opened and I picked up an arm-load of baggage entered the living room of the house we inhabited as a family. The food bought was lay on the table, as I settled into customary position - eating. One bean curd tart, pausing half-way to shout for "Jasmine", then continuing mindlessly to fill my stomach and time. Past the tart, I reached for the apple pie I presumably bought. Another bite, before Mum reminded me of the load I ate, unknowingly. I felt my stomach and felt no difference between hunger and excess.
Last night, at 8.50pm
The muesli in the kitchen beckoned. After my muesli breakfast, I seemed inclined to continue. With a day expired swiss yogurt and more rolled oats and dried fruits. Pinching more from Joanna's share of Honey yogurt and muesli mix.
Last night, 11.56pm
1 more frozen bean curd tart from the cranky refrigerator. Quite thoughtlessly, I moved through various heating of the same frozen tart. Munching the thawed bits, between heating. Through individual conversations with Jasmine which steered towards the activity of talking above listening on both accounts, I remembered the apple pie I abandoned before. Which accounts for 1 more trip to the toaster. Then Jasmine's supper seduced my awkward senses with promises of prolonging the supper. Another piece of bread, with charred pork floss. Then, only I realised I'm gorging food again.
Last morning, at 6.07am.
An idea of destruction struck and stayed to sow seeds of discord, between my better and worse halfs. Slumber as bait, I saw how difficult it would be to go to class at 10 am the same day. The ringing of past resolutions silent by the humming of temporal relief.
Last afternoon, at 4.47pm.
The car was in motion, my mouth chewing on the weird and very msg-ed chicken slice. My brains barely registering the french fries that went down minutes ago.
Last afternoon, at 4. 51pm
The doors opened and I picked up an arm-load of baggage entered the living room of the house we inhabited as a family. The food bought was lay on the table, as I settled into customary position - eating. One bean curd tart, pausing half-way to shout for "Jasmine", then continuing mindlessly to fill my stomach and time. Past the tart, I reached for the apple pie I presumably bought. Another bite, before Mum reminded me of the load I ate, unknowingly. I felt my stomach and felt no difference between hunger and excess.
Last night, at 8.50pm
The muesli in the kitchen beckoned. After my muesli breakfast, I seemed inclined to continue. With a day expired swiss yogurt and more rolled oats and dried fruits. Pinching more from Joanna's share of Honey yogurt and muesli mix.
Last night, 11.56pm
1 more frozen bean curd tart from the cranky refrigerator. Quite thoughtlessly, I moved through various heating of the same frozen tart. Munching the thawed bits, between heating. Through individual conversations with Jasmine which steered towards the activity of talking above listening on both accounts, I remembered the apple pie I abandoned before. Which accounts for 1 more trip to the toaster. Then Jasmine's supper seduced my awkward senses with promises of prolonging the supper. Another piece of bread, with charred pork floss. Then, only I realised I'm gorging food again.
February 19, 2009
Just Downloaded, LeAnn Rimes, Probably wouldn't be like this
Got a date a week from Friday with a preacher's son
Everybody says he's crazy
I'll have to see
I finally moved to Jackson when the summer came
I won't have to pay that boy to rake my leaves
I'm probably going on and on
It seems I'm doing more of that these days
I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way
Mama says that I just shouldn't speak to you
Susan says that I should just move on
You oughta see the way these people look at me
When they see me 'round here talking to this stone
Everybody thinks I've lost my mind
But I just take it day by day
Probably wouldn't be this way
Everybody says he's crazy
I'll have to see
I finally moved to Jackson when the summer came
I won't have to pay that boy to rake my leaves
I'm probably going on and on
It seems I'm doing more of that these days
I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way
Mama says that I just shouldn't speak to you
Susan says that I should just move on
You oughta see the way these people look at me
When they see me 'round here talking to this stone
Everybody thinks I've lost my mind
But I just take it day by day
Probably wouldn't be this way
February 18, 2009
In Documentation of something.
Today at 8.45 am
I came around. Just physically, not quite consciously. So I fell backwards into the comforting arms of my baby blue sheets and bed. Stained with marks and fur all over. But I slept well. and snuggled.
Today at 9.04am
Rude awakening from the snoozed alarm. I could not put this off further. So I swung my mentally-heavy legs over the side of the bed I love. Human time in all the wash up and get ready business. But I heard my voice in my head. Speaking of responsibilities and reminding of regrets. I couldn't switch it off, even with the distraction of foundation cotton, powder puff, through rubbing of rouge and eyeliner. It was distracting, I did a mess of my make-up, but left for company.
Today at 9.47am
In the car, comforted by the radio blabbers. Looking at the digital clock, with an aching reminder of my fortune that somehow even never seemed enough to me. My lack of perspective, and I feared that I would be in class early. Panicked, as I wasn't ready to talk, for conversation and to see the other. I place a smile on my face, waved goodbye and left the car for the huge black building that hovered over my existence.
Today at 9.53am
Definitely early. I strode on with the vacant smile on my face. I continued my mental exchange with the voice, arguing about the past, present and future boundaries. We disagree about the ways of living on, with or without the truth interfering. I past a van, with 2 men looking on. And went hiding in the toilet. The lights switched on, by sensor sensing my entrance. Alone, I looked into the mirror, fussing over my hair and appearance. Unsuccessfully forgetting the reason of hiding.
Today at 9.57am
I couldn't justify crying, so I left my hideout and went to class. I entered the class, and saw only 4 students, murmured a greeting and settled for my comfort zone, habitually telling convenient lies that people enjoy listening, though it told them nothing. My seating in the right end from the door, I could safely look on to what my heart wishes to see, and crouch into my unwelcoming position and remember to put on my "do not disturb" sign.
Today at 10.05am
I woke up fully to class and secured my mask in place for lesson and answering questions. No longer sure if the air I breathed in was supplied to my disappearing self. But the play has started, the music played, and I was in character, dancing in my motionless stance to the script - ignoring others like I should in the back drop.
Today at 8.45 am
I came around. Just physically, not quite consciously. So I fell backwards into the comforting arms of my baby blue sheets and bed. Stained with marks and fur all over. But I slept well. and snuggled.
Today at 9.04am
Rude awakening from the snoozed alarm. I could not put this off further. So I swung my mentally-heavy legs over the side of the bed I love. Human time in all the wash up and get ready business. But I heard my voice in my head. Speaking of responsibilities and reminding of regrets. I couldn't switch it off, even with the distraction of foundation cotton, powder puff, through rubbing of rouge and eyeliner. It was distracting, I did a mess of my make-up, but left for company.
Today at 9.47am
In the car, comforted by the radio blabbers. Looking at the digital clock, with an aching reminder of my fortune that somehow even never seemed enough to me. My lack of perspective, and I feared that I would be in class early. Panicked, as I wasn't ready to talk, for conversation and to see the other. I place a smile on my face, waved goodbye and left the car for the huge black building that hovered over my existence.
Today at 9.53am
Definitely early. I strode on with the vacant smile on my face. I continued my mental exchange with the voice, arguing about the past, present and future boundaries. We disagree about the ways of living on, with or without the truth interfering. I past a van, with 2 men looking on. And went hiding in the toilet. The lights switched on, by sensor sensing my entrance. Alone, I looked into the mirror, fussing over my hair and appearance. Unsuccessfully forgetting the reason of hiding.
Today at 9.57am
I couldn't justify crying, so I left my hideout and went to class. I entered the class, and saw only 4 students, murmured a greeting and settled for my comfort zone, habitually telling convenient lies that people enjoy listening, though it told them nothing. My seating in the right end from the door, I could safely look on to what my heart wishes to see, and crouch into my unwelcoming position and remember to put on my "do not disturb" sign.
Today at 10.05am
I woke up fully to class and secured my mask in place for lesson and answering questions. No longer sure if the air I breathed in was supplied to my disappearing self. But the play has started, the music played, and I was in character, dancing in my motionless stance to the script - ignoring others like I should in the back drop.
February 10, 2009
No reason to be happy or sad for that matter.
It's like listening to song, the lyrics begin sad then slowly transformed itself into another. Today, I include the lyrics of the song as part of my entry - speaking for me, some things that simply cannot be verbally taken out.
Circles by Colbie Caillat
I was running in circles
Was only a matter of time
Before I found myself drowning in troubled lies
Was starring back at what I´d seen for a long, long time
How did I break it?
How did I clear my mind?
I was hiding in places I knew nobody could find
Until I found myself spinning in rewind
Was starring back at what I´d seen for a long, long time
I had to break it
I had to clear my mind
Hard times that I like to forget about
So much I held inside
God let it out
It took a while to find it
But now I´m here and I can´t deny it
This feeling just gets better all the time
So beautiful in front of me that I can´t believe my eyes
I know it from move ahead time is one my side
I´m free from the circle
There´ll be no regrets this time.
Going back and attempting to sync my past with now who I become. With the every episode I see, years back, reminding me of what was, what touched me, drives me, and stops me.
Though, I may never chant rhyme of magical happenings or be able to cast spells that bring my past and future before my eyes. I have learned one thing from every setback and assistance I have had - I won't let regrets hold me back.
With my studies, its easier to do that. But for other parts of life, I do see the water freezing like my time and decisions crystallizing into regrets, I may not let go in the future. But I don't ever want to become someone bitter and mean. I want to be able to learn to die for certain things, to have things worthy of that.
It's not easy to do that -especially when my upbringing stands entirely against that, but I will try, not for happiness or unhappiness. Just for me and myself.
was surfing last night, escaping from the dreaded conclusion and recommendation section I had to write. I went from international internship search to global volunteer program search to travel plans.
Then I realize that I was uniquely different from my upbringing. I'm actually not the kind of people that live to work (that's why all these years, it never worked out that way), I would like to think that I'm also not the sort of talk the living, then work for nothing. (Hard to believe now, but I hope the future will lend a hand to prove this right)
I will actually find that thing I love to do. To devote my time to more than taking home the bacon, the money for LVs. And until I find that, I will just keep searching.
I somehow think that Mum and Dad and everybody I know is wrong.
Giving up and trying again is not wrong. It's simply the process, I'm just that kind of person. Maybe it's called irresponsibility for others, but it seems also like a way of life for me. And I am finally going to stop (or at least try to) grow up and stop living by daddy and mummy's standard of right and wrong or anybody's standard for that matter. After all, I am living into the 2nd decade of my life. To take risks and make mistakes - and that's what landed me in this college in the first place. And somehow, despite how much I curse and swear, it seems right.
My new personal goal: to break down barriers and stereotypes - the world is huge. People are different. And much as I would like people understand my uniqueness, I would like to offer them the same benefit of doubt.
2nd new personal goal: To stay grounded. I know this is abstract - like every I say. But this means that I won't (will try to) get high and mighty. God forbid, we all know how easy my ego inflates and how the arts isn't the place where humble people are. But I'm going to try.
I see myself dreaming and chanting in abstraction again, I know I should live more instead of setting more goals and hoping to accomplish more. But taking french and fulfilling that one dream I held for all too long. Answered an ancient question for me - the one answer that really matters. To listen to myself. Besides, it's time I understand and accept that I'm a dreamer.
And sooner or later, I'll have the courage to reach out for that part of me. The part that is falling for love. and not in love. To question and find an answer for that, to stop living through the safety mirror of others. It will come.
Till then again. jeanie
February 3, 2009
Echos of the heart, and my soul.
I'm afraid to admit that I'm hollow within. There is no substance, no beauty, no blood. Nothing, but a hollow and empty shell. With emotions, swirling in eternal spirals.
There I go once more, writing in cryptic and abstract descriptions. Impossible it may seems, for me to be straightforward and truthful. Everything that exude from my being, are merely echos of my feelings and thoughts. Censored, Filtered, and then dissipated.
Facade reflecting another facade, within it all, if you search deep enough. There's nothing. Perhaps the truth is I stopped living when I was 10, there after, everything turned into a prepared script for an anonymous play. A play with a million acts, and only 1 audience watching. I can't find meaning with my lies and denials.
But somehow, I can't lay myself bare for public scrutiny. Call me a coward, but I refuse to be vulnerable. I can't trust my heart with myself, much less with everyone else.
ps: I'm ill today, apparently acute food poisoning. But I think it's a body's reaction to my aching and somehow wounded soul. Perhaps, over the weekend, some old memories evoked some suppressed understanding of the past. An understanding of what I'm missing out on.
I'm afraid to admit that I'm hollow within. There is no substance, no beauty, no blood. Nothing, but a hollow and empty shell. With emotions, swirling in eternal spirals.
There I go once more, writing in cryptic and abstract descriptions. Impossible it may seems, for me to be straightforward and truthful. Everything that exude from my being, are merely echos of my feelings and thoughts. Censored, Filtered, and then dissipated.
Facade reflecting another facade, within it all, if you search deep enough. There's nothing. Perhaps the truth is I stopped living when I was 10, there after, everything turned into a prepared script for an anonymous play. A play with a million acts, and only 1 audience watching. I can't find meaning with my lies and denials.
But somehow, I can't lay myself bare for public scrutiny. Call me a coward, but I refuse to be vulnerable. I can't trust my heart with myself, much less with everyone else.
ps: I'm ill today, apparently acute food poisoning. But I think it's a body's reaction to my aching and somehow wounded soul. Perhaps, over the weekend, some old memories evoked some suppressed understanding of the past. An understanding of what I'm missing out on.
See the World, by Gomez
Day to day
Where do you want to be?
cose now you're trying to pick a fight
With everyone you need
You seem like a soldier
Who's lost his composure
You're wounded and playing a waiting game
In no-man's land no-one's to blame
See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want
Empty handed, surrounded by a senseless scene
With nothing of significance
Besides a shadow of a dream
You sound like an old joke
You're worn-out, a bit broke
An' askin me time and time again
When the answer's still the same
See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want
You've got a chance to put things right
So how's it going to be?
Lay down your arms now
And put us beyond doubt
So reach out it's not too far away
Don't mess around now, don't delay
See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want
Where do you want to be?
cose now you're trying to pick a fight
With everyone you need
You seem like a soldier
Who's lost his composure
You're wounded and playing a waiting game
In no-man's land no-one's to blame
See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want
Empty handed, surrounded by a senseless scene
With nothing of significance
Besides a shadow of a dream
You sound like an old joke
You're worn-out, a bit broke
An' askin me time and time again
When the answer's still the same
See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want
You've got a chance to put things right
So how's it going to be?
Lay down your arms now
And put us beyond doubt
So reach out it's not too far away
Don't mess around now, don't delay
See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want
February 2, 2009
February 1, 2009
Annoyance is burning out a hole in my body right now.
Though I sit stagnant on my bed, I want to run around the house, to jump on my bed, to scream out of the window, to tear and destroy, to thrash somebody, to take it out on myself.
Restless-ness, becomes the state of consciousness that has plagued me for the past days. Every little matter seems to irritate me to my core.
With the slightest matters, like my poorly managed finances. With little funding (not that I truly think I deserve it), and worst of all, my ill-habits of splurging and impulse buys and unsatisfying desires.
I would like to blame it on the bad economy, on Dad for not increasing my finances, on my almost depleted bank balance. But deeper within, I know it's me. MY lack of control and inability to spend as my budgets decreed that creates the angst and annoyance. One failed attempt, after a whole month. Not exactly the beginning, I excepted of this year.
But of course, I refuse to be upset by that.
Then, there are social obligations. I hate that, that 'o' word is my word of choice. But, it's true. Old friends are back, though I always doubted if the word "friend" would apply to my feelings towards these people who seem to treat me as one. Ungrateful? Or just unreceptive? I have no idea, but the call I received from that particular male friend, annoyed and stressed me over the brim. I don't want to meet. Don't want to talk, don't want to lie, don't want to patronize or pretend any interest. But, of course, I will be polite and "nice" as always, leading people to the wrong conclusion, not that I blame them. I hate that.
Another failed attempt at that, two actually. 1. Failing to act as 'hell with your opinions'. 2. Failing to be less anti-social... or at least, learning to not STRESS over social encounters.
I hate failures. Those are NOT supposed to be happening to me this year. Again, I refuse to be upset, not when I have deadlines on Wk7. A class who IS/ ARE/ HAVE BEEN seriously under-estimated by my ego. Grades to be remedied. A life to start living.
Refusal don't sit well with me, you know. Refusal leads to restlessness, which leads to distractions. I cut my hair on Saturday, not a drastic cut. Also, not a good move or a good cut either.I now look hatefully 'cute', if you actually want a positive word for that. Distractions also came in the form of bad movies, like Inkheart. And re-runs like Charmed, and romance novels - i read umpteen times.
Not good at all for the bigger picture, which I am clearly missing. No progress on the essays. And I've been having a headache since like forever. Tempting me to the red-bulls and panodols.
I don't even know if I could go MIA on those 'friends' again. There's only that many second chances you have, and I don't think I deserve any. Nor, do I want to regret this, of not changing myself or the way things are. It's a paradox, I can't tell if what I want is what I need.
Janauary. I'm trying to break quite alot of habits from the past. The subconscious awakening to a better 'good' The coward trying to be brave.
And all in all, I'm trying to be responsible for the first time in my life. And I know all changes and revolutions are not smooth-sailing activities. But this month, I tried, tired, and failed in suffering, as cowardly as possible.
I'm ranting, Till again then.
Sometimes, jeanie
Though I sit stagnant on my bed, I want to run around the house, to jump on my bed, to scream out of the window, to tear and destroy, to thrash somebody, to take it out on myself.
Restless-ness, becomes the state of consciousness that has plagued me for the past days. Every little matter seems to irritate me to my core.
With the slightest matters, like my poorly managed finances. With little funding (not that I truly think I deserve it), and worst of all, my ill-habits of splurging and impulse buys and unsatisfying desires.
I would like to blame it on the bad economy, on Dad for not increasing my finances, on my almost depleted bank balance. But deeper within, I know it's me. MY lack of control and inability to spend as my budgets decreed that creates the angst and annoyance. One failed attempt, after a whole month. Not exactly the beginning, I excepted of this year.
But of course, I refuse to be upset by that.
Then, there are social obligations. I hate that, that 'o' word is my word of choice. But, it's true. Old friends are back, though I always doubted if the word "friend" would apply to my feelings towards these people who seem to treat me as one. Ungrateful? Or just unreceptive? I have no idea, but the call I received from that particular male friend, annoyed and stressed me over the brim. I don't want to meet. Don't want to talk, don't want to lie, don't want to patronize or pretend any interest. But, of course, I will be polite and "nice" as always, leading people to the wrong conclusion, not that I blame them. I hate that.
Another failed attempt at that, two actually. 1. Failing to act as 'hell with your opinions'. 2. Failing to be less anti-social... or at least, learning to not STRESS over social encounters.
I hate failures. Those are NOT supposed to be happening to me this year. Again, I refuse to be upset, not when I have deadlines on Wk7. A class who IS/ ARE/ HAVE BEEN seriously under-estimated by my ego. Grades to be remedied. A life to start living.
Refusal don't sit well with me, you know. Refusal leads to restlessness, which leads to distractions. I cut my hair on Saturday, not a drastic cut. Also, not a good move or a good cut either.I now look hatefully 'cute', if you actually want a positive word for that. Distractions also came in the form of bad movies, like Inkheart. And re-runs like Charmed, and romance novels - i read umpteen times.
Not good at all for the bigger picture, which I am clearly missing. No progress on the essays. And I've been having a headache since like forever. Tempting me to the red-bulls and panodols.
I don't even know if I could go MIA on those 'friends' again. There's only that many second chances you have, and I don't think I deserve any. Nor, do I want to regret this, of not changing myself or the way things are. It's a paradox, I can't tell if what I want is what I need.
Janauary. I'm trying to break quite alot of habits from the past. The subconscious awakening to a better 'good' The coward trying to be brave.
And all in all, I'm trying to be responsible for the first time in my life. And I know all changes and revolutions are not smooth-sailing activities. But this month, I tried, tired, and failed in suffering, as cowardly as possible.
I'm ranting, Till again then.
Sometimes, jeanie
January 28, 2009
listening to: Come home, by Onerepublic. If only i would
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now
January 22, 2009
finally, a enjoyable, much-needed uplifting song on my playlist:
New Soul, by Yael Naim
I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake
See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make
This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong
This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away
I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake
See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make
This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong
This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away
January 21, 2009
All hell broke soon, and somehow a part of me too.
It's day 3 of my 14 day deadline, I passed on myself to get over/pass (which ever verb applies) my long time building fixation with an unwanted object. The last time I had to pass such a legislation on myself, the execution took say, a year. But accounting that everything is larger and of smaller distance now, AND I believe myself to be a much stronger person than before, I hope to end this saga within 2 weeks.
It NEEDS to end, because I hate the feeling of not being in control or understanding any teeny bit of me. I love reality the way I know it to be, and that's how it's staying till I'm ready. I read in a friend's facebook "about me" section that "any idiot can handle a crisis, it's the day to day living that breaks you down."
Very true, my friend. And it would seem to me that all of my will-power, determination(present or otherwise) has been channel to this new personality sculpting project of mine, putting all works on hold for the past week. If you translate that to simple words, simply means I have NOT done any work at all since the previous week. Not uncommon though, it would seem that i can only work hard in short spurs of the moments and then pause for another short spur. Stamina and determination seems to be a genetic deficiency present in my DNA.
But everything else seems alright, as the dust and fallen into place of a steady routine. A routine led on the nose by my iCal, which pretty much dictate all the parts of my life and schedule (except that I never follow the sections on work).
School isn't much of a chore now. No resentment, no hard feelings, as conversations are now less forced, though oddly(maybe revealingly) centric on me, myself and I. And work. Well, to the devil with others, seem to work fine, as I minimize contact with people I actually don't like. And continue to flaunt my other friendships on my fb wall, with now my entire acquaintances of my past possibly looking in on my life(not that I foresee people actually doing so, I'm not as popular as I would like to believe of myself). Life can be easy and pretty unstressful, even with overbearing deadlines (like my due TOMORROW music paper outline presentation). And I see myself working a great deal at not living with the intention of making others 'like' me. Working hard, and making little progress. Maybe a small step to the revolution, but that should still make history, if i have my say.
I'm enjoying my french lessons for now. Enjoying my regressive attempts on monetary control - splurging on a $100 bag and severely over-priced hair accessories as a retail therapy (sponsored by my overly obliging and spoiling mother).
While my playlist remains english, with new additions I still cannot determine my liking for. And so does my life, a boiling pot of ice - constantly in odds and spilling with trouble, drama and yet in harmony enough to keep me sane.
Till tomorrow or many tomorrows later, jeanie
It's day 3 of my 14 day deadline, I passed on myself to get over/pass (which ever verb applies) my long time building fixation with an unwanted object. The last time I had to pass such a legislation on myself, the execution took say, a year. But accounting that everything is larger and of smaller distance now, AND I believe myself to be a much stronger person than before, I hope to end this saga within 2 weeks.
It NEEDS to end, because I hate the feeling of not being in control or understanding any teeny bit of me. I love reality the way I know it to be, and that's how it's staying till I'm ready. I read in a friend's facebook "about me" section that "any idiot can handle a crisis, it's the day to day living that breaks you down."
Very true, my friend. And it would seem to me that all of my will-power, determination(present or otherwise) has been channel to this new personality sculpting project of mine, putting all works on hold for the past week. If you translate that to simple words, simply means I have NOT done any work at all since the previous week. Not uncommon though, it would seem that i can only work hard in short spurs of the moments and then pause for another short spur. Stamina and determination seems to be a genetic deficiency present in my DNA.
But everything else seems alright, as the dust and fallen into place of a steady routine. A routine led on the nose by my iCal, which pretty much dictate all the parts of my life and schedule (except that I never follow the sections on work).
School isn't much of a chore now. No resentment, no hard feelings, as conversations are now less forced, though oddly(maybe revealingly) centric on me, myself and I. And work. Well, to the devil with others, seem to work fine, as I minimize contact with people I actually don't like. And continue to flaunt my other friendships on my fb wall, with now my entire acquaintances of my past possibly looking in on my life(not that I foresee people actually doing so, I'm not as popular as I would like to believe of myself). Life can be easy and pretty unstressful, even with overbearing deadlines (like my due TOMORROW music paper outline presentation). And I see myself working a great deal at not living with the intention of making others 'like' me. Working hard, and making little progress. Maybe a small step to the revolution, but that should still make history, if i have my say.
I'm enjoying my french lessons for now. Enjoying my regressive attempts on monetary control - splurging on a $100 bag and severely over-priced hair accessories as a retail therapy (sponsored by my overly obliging and spoiling mother).
While my playlist remains english, with new additions I still cannot determine my liking for. And so does my life, a boiling pot of ice - constantly in odds and spilling with trouble, drama and yet in harmony enough to keep me sane.
Till tomorrow or many tomorrows later, jeanie
January 14, 2009
In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it love
These lines constantly repeat themselves in my head like a broken recorder. From this year on, i have stuck to a growing playlist of English tracks. Very very different from before,I noticed.
I have ever since started to think and talk to myself in English more than Chinese -which used to make more sense.
I believe that my character and mindset or simply put attitude towards people and incidents have changed pretty drastically with my newly adopted language or culture. I seemed to be taken into the spectacle(my lecture topic today) of the western culture, an image of more 'cool' sense of living. Maybe its the college culture, the people i meet now in the arts industry, my previous internship, or even gossip girl and the books I now read.
But in any case, I can't find any detrimental facts of this change just yet. Though I am now, more then ever, projecting and building a new image for myself.
A new image - mirroring what I see on TV, in books. Moreover I hope, I have found within myself to become more of a "to hell with your opinions" kind of person. According to my NOW habit book, it's called a innate self-worth, to not diminish my self-confidence and perception of self-value due to every bit of my scrutinized view of others' reaction to me.
And much as i try my best to do this, I cannot stop myself from living inwards due to fear and cowardice- to think rather than to live.
Like love, as I just read on a fellow classmate's fb(no naming on blog rule). Though love has been a topic of interest and of great importance to my life for the past 6 years or so, it is something more in me, than of me.
I would rather think, than to act on impulse, feelings to live out the love. Could this be an indication of my inability to love? Very possibly, I do seem rather alienated from the feelings of others, these days. Or more possibly, it's selfishness. My innate protection, preventing me from potential harm of exposing my VERY vulnerable self. And maybe it is all those reasons, adding that I do not possibly believe that I am worthy of love, not experiencing that before.
But as the classmate pointed out. If the avg, lifespan of a human being is 80 years, adding that the first 14 years for the avg soul would be without romantic love(huge assumption). And adding that the last 20 years,very much diminishes the chance of romantic love too (in most cases that is - in assumption).
Then 80-20-14= 46 years. And to take valentine day as a special and meaningful ocassion of the celebration of love. The avg years would be 46. And in my case, I've lived out my first 18 valentine's day, void of the love (i feared so much of), I'll have a max of 42 V'day left. Quite pathetically, I find myself pinning for how little my V'days left are. This puts Valentine's day quite so more important, in perspective, as I realize my loss of it as the days run by.
And there's exactly 1 month to the day: Feb 14. And, I don't see myself in any position of finding a valentine in time. On top of the lack of available and interested valentine, relationships scare the hell out of me; so I can safely and sadly kiss my 09 V'day goodbye and live with the remaining 41... (at least, this year's Vday is on a non-school day)
This is one of the few days, when the idea of "alone" in singlehood scares me. (maybe also because I see a certain precedent in my life, which I don't actually hope to follow in her footstep) But tonight at 3.33am, I'm not emo, just thoughtful.
Also, I find myself not wanting to sleep and wake up tomorrow to PR class. It's so far my most un-liked subject of this semester (though I initially thought I would love it, but it disappoints like marketing) Maybe, i'm turning to an academic. What thought to behold!
The only thing certain is that I'm definitely changing a lot -----. For better or worse, is to be commented upon in time. I have a lot of research work and some foreign french phrases to sleep on tonight - on my very crowed bed of me, jas and tong. It's going to be hard to blog soon with long days at school and work. But i'll try my best.
sometime soon, jeanie
Used to call it love
These lines constantly repeat themselves in my head like a broken recorder. From this year on, i have stuck to a growing playlist of English tracks. Very very different from before,I noticed.
I have ever since started to think and talk to myself in English more than Chinese -which used to make more sense.
I believe that my character and mindset or simply put attitude towards people and incidents have changed pretty drastically with my newly adopted language or culture. I seemed to be taken into the spectacle(my lecture topic today) of the western culture, an image of more 'cool' sense of living. Maybe its the college culture, the people i meet now in the arts industry, my previous internship, or even gossip girl and the books I now read.
But in any case, I can't find any detrimental facts of this change just yet. Though I am now, more then ever, projecting and building a new image for myself.
A new image - mirroring what I see on TV, in books. Moreover I hope, I have found within myself to become more of a "to hell with your opinions" kind of person. According to my NOW habit book, it's called a innate self-worth, to not diminish my self-confidence and perception of self-value due to every bit of my scrutinized view of others' reaction to me.
And much as i try my best to do this, I cannot stop myself from living inwards due to fear and cowardice- to think rather than to live.
Like love, as I just read on a fellow classmate's fb(no naming on blog rule). Though love has been a topic of interest and of great importance to my life for the past 6 years or so, it is something more in me, than of me.
I would rather think, than to act on impulse, feelings to live out the love. Could this be an indication of my inability to love? Very possibly, I do seem rather alienated from the feelings of others, these days. Or more possibly, it's selfishness. My innate protection, preventing me from potential harm of exposing my VERY vulnerable self. And maybe it is all those reasons, adding that I do not possibly believe that I am worthy of love, not experiencing that before.
But as the classmate pointed out. If the avg, lifespan of a human being is 80 years, adding that the first 14 years for the avg soul would be without romantic love(huge assumption). And adding that the last 20 years,very much diminishes the chance of romantic love too (in most cases that is - in assumption).
Then 80-20-14= 46 years. And to take valentine day as a special and meaningful ocassion of the celebration of love. The avg years would be 46. And in my case, I've lived out my first 18 valentine's day, void of the love (i feared so much of), I'll have a max of 42 V'day left. Quite pathetically, I find myself pinning for how little my V'days left are. This puts Valentine's day quite so more important, in perspective, as I realize my loss of it as the days run by.
And there's exactly 1 month to the day: Feb 14. And, I don't see myself in any position of finding a valentine in time. On top of the lack of available and interested valentine, relationships scare the hell out of me; so I can safely and sadly kiss my 09 V'day goodbye and live with the remaining 41... (at least, this year's Vday is on a non-school day)
This is one of the few days, when the idea of "alone" in singlehood scares me. (maybe also because I see a certain precedent in my life, which I don't actually hope to follow in her footstep) But tonight at 3.33am, I'm not emo, just thoughtful.
Also, I find myself not wanting to sleep and wake up tomorrow to PR class. It's so far my most un-liked subject of this semester (though I initially thought I would love it, but it disappoints like marketing) Maybe, i'm turning to an academic. What thought to behold!
The only thing certain is that I'm definitely changing a lot -----. For better or worse, is to be commented upon in time. I have a lot of research work and some foreign french phrases to sleep on tonight - on my very crowed bed of me, jas and tong. It's going to be hard to blog soon with long days at school and work. But i'll try my best.
sometime soon, jeanie
i'm listening to: fell in love without you, by motion city soundtracks
Last night I fell in love without you.
I waved goodbye to that heart of mine
Beating solo on your lawn
Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it love
Last night I fell in love without you
The coup de grâce that set me off
Would've made for decent fiction
Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it...
Last night I fell in love without you
The stars at night aren't as big and bright
As you make them out to be
Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
In memory of when we used to call it love
I waved goodbye to that heart of mine
Beating solo on your lawn
Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it love
Last night I fell in love without you
The coup de grâce that set me off
Would've made for decent fiction
Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
Used to call it...
Last night I fell in love without you
The stars at night aren't as big and bright
As you make them out to be
Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise
In memory of what we used to call in love
And only time will tell if violins will swell
In memory of what we used to call in love
In memory of when we used to call it love
January 11, 2009
and because I was bored...
Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.------------------------------------------------
Like jasmine said, pretty accurate and maybe almost true.. what do you think?
Recent days, there's another lapse in blogging, as well as in my life.
It's almost like the sudden thoughts and rampant wants, are becoming too much for my little mind. Leaving me back in my tracks, wanting to numb the overwhelming with 3 full days of indulgence of novels, dramas and everything else that could occupy my time and brain. Now, I can finally, conclude that I am truly not a workaholic. Work will never be the activity of choice to occupy my time, body or mind (if only it was).
Tonight, I'll be sleeping with the curtains bounded up. Not, because I want to rise early tomorrow. But, because I think it's time I let some morning light into my undesired downward spiral of actions. May things look better tomorrow in the morning light.
Sometime again, jeanie
It's almost like the sudden thoughts and rampant wants, are becoming too much for my little mind. Leaving me back in my tracks, wanting to numb the overwhelming with 3 full days of indulgence of novels, dramas and everything else that could occupy my time and brain. Now, I can finally, conclude that I am truly not a workaholic. Work will never be the activity of choice to occupy my time, body or mind (if only it was).
Tonight, I'll be sleeping with the curtains bounded up. Not, because I want to rise early tomorrow. But, because I think it's time I let some morning light into my undesired downward spiral of actions. May things look better tomorrow in the morning light.
Sometime again, jeanie
Playing on my playlist: Happily Never After, by PCD
"I don't think I want this anymore, "
As she drops the ring to the floor.
She says to herself, "You've left before, "
"This time you will stay gone, that's for sure."
And he shattered something else
To drag her suitcase down the path,
To the driveway.
She had never gone that far.
Normally this would be
The time that she
Would let him talk her out of leaving,
But this time, without crying,
As she got into her car, she said,
"No
'Happily Never After'
That just ain't for me.
Because finally,
I know
I deserve better, after all
I'll never let another teardrop fall."
As she drove away she starts to smile,
Realized she hadn't for a while.
No destination, she drove for miles
Wondering why she stayed in such denial.
As she drops the ring to the floor.
She says to herself, "You've left before, "
"This time you will stay gone, that's for sure."
And he shattered something else
To drag her suitcase down the path,
To the driveway.
She had never gone that far.
Normally this would be
The time that she
Would let him talk her out of leaving,
But this time, without crying,
As she got into her car, she said,
"No
'Happily Never After'
That just ain't for me.
Because finally,
I know
I deserve better, after all
I'll never let another teardrop fall."
As she drove away she starts to smile,
Realized she hadn't for a while.
No destination, she drove for miles
Wondering why she stayed in such denial.
January 8, 2009
I edited the previous post. In one of our sisterly shower talks, both my sisters said it was dumb to put some things on your blog, dumber to name names. (I suppose this applies, even and more so, if they were the truest moments of truth)
So I'm to have secrets, even from you, my virtual reality log book and very possible more encrypted journal-ing as opposed to blatant open truth. I'm getting remotely better with the flu, sore throat, cough, and bits of fever. My theory of practice, this time round is to ditch the doctors and take enough panadol and strepsil till my immunity system kicks in with a battle-wining antibody stream. It sounds more healthy in theory, so I'm testing it out.
But above the dizziness and OD-ing of panadol and strepsil, I'm definitely more clear-headed now. Three days of school, and the dust have finally settled in its place(whether I like the arrangement or not). And with Joanna's help, I actually re-found my focus again - to realise that my ultimate aim was the result not the people. And if the experience was good, that's bonus, but that's not to be expected. Though, I am making honest efforts to at least try(though not very hard) and be sociable -to talk to people at least. (I added my classmates on facebook, that should mean something) I will eventually need to leave my protective armour of wheezes and whopping coughs behind, to actually listen and participate in conversation - I can't be sick forever. (Oops, I just found the cause of my procrastination of seeing the doctor, the unwillingness to lose my excuse for not talking and answering people... )
Yups, and I'm getting through my NOW habit book, which proves itself to be an excellent book of insight. I'm even dutifully logging down my every moment and thoughts of procrastination, as the book instructs. It better work, I will need it to.
It's time to test my limits and abilities, rather give excuses and believe hearsay about my true potential. So this semester hopefully, I'll get a good honest measure from my (for the first time) not last-minute work.
The clouds are dispersing, and there's more light now, on how I should go ahead with the rest of the week or so. With my healthy dose of gossip and drama back, I'm definitely more grounded. (I'm thankful, the drama exists in TV or my macbook though) I've also ended my brief but resolute quarrel/ fight with Tongtong in mutual agreement(which he always breaches) of better co-existence(i.e. to end our abusive relationship for a normal mutually respecting one).
Some things are getting done and settled, which is about time, since the week is gone by half. But, I still need to get to the un-encouraging huge load of research, at least for the projects due on wk 7. A trip to the library is due, I guess(my books, though have long been due). And there's social arrangements to be made, as promised. So the term is just getting started, and hopefully so am I.
Sometime again, jeanie
So I'm to have secrets, even from you, my virtual reality log book and very possible more encrypted journal-ing as opposed to blatant open truth. I'm getting remotely better with the flu, sore throat, cough, and bits of fever. My theory of practice, this time round is to ditch the doctors and take enough panadol and strepsil till my immunity system kicks in with a battle-wining antibody stream. It sounds more healthy in theory, so I'm testing it out.
But above the dizziness and OD-ing of panadol and strepsil, I'm definitely more clear-headed now. Three days of school, and the dust have finally settled in its place(whether I like the arrangement or not). And with Joanna's help, I actually re-found my focus again - to realise that my ultimate aim was the result not the people. And if the experience was good, that's bonus, but that's not to be expected. Though, I am making honest efforts to at least try(though not very hard) and be sociable -to talk to people at least. (I added my classmates on facebook, that should mean something) I will eventually need to leave my protective armour of wheezes and whopping coughs behind, to actually listen and participate in conversation - I can't be sick forever. (Oops, I just found the cause of my procrastination of seeing the doctor, the unwillingness to lose my excuse for not talking and answering people... )
Yups, and I'm getting through my NOW habit book, which proves itself to be an excellent book of insight. I'm even dutifully logging down my every moment and thoughts of procrastination, as the book instructs. It better work, I will need it to.
It's time to test my limits and abilities, rather give excuses and believe hearsay about my true potential. So this semester hopefully, I'll get a good honest measure from my (for the first time) not last-minute work.
The clouds are dispersing, and there's more light now, on how I should go ahead with the rest of the week or so. With my healthy dose of gossip and drama back, I'm definitely more grounded. (I'm thankful, the drama exists in TV or my macbook though) I've also ended my brief but resolute quarrel/ fight with Tongtong in mutual agreement(which he always breaches) of better co-existence(i.e. to end our abusive relationship for a normal mutually respecting one).
Some things are getting done and settled, which is about time, since the week is gone by half. But, I still need to get to the un-encouraging huge load of research, at least for the projects due on wk 7. A trip to the library is due, I guess(my books, though have long been due). And there's social arrangements to be made, as promised. So the term is just getting started, and hopefully so am I.
Sometime again, jeanie
Not really playing on my playlist, but because I feel like it
Secret, by The Pierces
Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead�
Why do you smile
Like you have told a secret
Now you're telling lies
Cause you're the one to keep it
But no one keeps a secret
No one keeps a secret
Why when we do our darkest deeds
Do we tell?
They burn in our brains
Become a living hell
Cause everyone tells
Everyone tells�
Look into my eyes
Now you're getting sleepy
Are you hypnotized
By secrets that you're keeping?
I know what you're keeping
I know what you're keeping
Yes two can keep a secret
If one of us is... Dead.
Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead�
Why do you smile
Like you have told a secret
Now you're telling lies
Cause you're the one to keep it
But no one keeps a secret
No one keeps a secret
Why when we do our darkest deeds
Do we tell?
They burn in our brains
Become a living hell
Cause everyone tells
Everyone tells�
Look into my eyes
Now you're getting sleepy
Are you hypnotized
By secrets that you're keeping?
I know what you're keeping
I know what you're keeping
Yes two can keep a secret
If one of us is... Dead.
January 6, 2009
The inevitable excuse for procrastinating.
Life is indeed full of tribulations and trials. Just when I try my utmost to proceed forward with determined strides, there would be little things like illness and problems to test my resolve.
Enough of emo introductions, but I do have reason to emo, today. BAD day. It's first day of Sem 2 and I find myself very very very sick. The chocolate hangover, apparently left behind a staying guest - BAD BAD sore throat. Like Jasmine, I was barely sleeping last night with millions of random thoughts rushing through my head.
And of course, to lighten my bag - this morning I remembered to take out the umbrella from my bag. Like Murphy's law decrees, it had to rain with me caught in it. That's it - FEVER.
Plus, mean and horrible I was, with my grouping comments yesterday, I really did try to transfer class. Unsuccessfully, of course, but well there still like a small glimmer of hope. So, I'm trying to suppress that section of gloomy clouds for now. (Or I might just sink into depression again)
But school today was extremely awkward. I felt uneasy, no matter what I do. There was just awkward pause after awkward silence. I guess, I'm now at the junction where I find myself wanting to be sociable in college(because it seems like the right thing to do), but I'm completely unaware and not equipped with the proper physics of how "conversations", "friends", etc work in school. I'm a little tired of filling silence and making conversations that I even find it hard to evoke enough interest in its replies. And I think I look aloof enough for people to NOT want to approach - be it a blessing or a curse.
And I missed the first lesson of the French class I signed up for today. Quite intentionally or unintentionally (Depending on perception), it was 6.00pm and I did not have the fees money with me for the class that started at 6.30pm today. It did occurred to me that I could get cash from dad at orchard and be back on time. But, I sort of gave up. Excuses available: tired, unprepared, sick, blah blah.... It's not exactly a good start to miss the 1st lesson of a new language course. Another bad beginning, I hope if I get well I'll be optimistic enough to believe that bad beginnings can be salvaged.
Well, I'm EMO today.. hard to not be at the alarming rate I'm eating through my tissue box and sneezing my nose off. There's only one class tomorrow, let's hope for the better. and there's always gossip girl to accompany my sick bed. I'll cry real hard if itunes screw up the uploading.
Sometime again, jeanie
Life is indeed full of tribulations and trials. Just when I try my utmost to proceed forward with determined strides, there would be little things like illness and problems to test my resolve.
Enough of emo introductions, but I do have reason to emo, today. BAD day. It's first day of Sem 2 and I find myself very very very sick. The chocolate hangover, apparently left behind a staying guest - BAD BAD sore throat. Like Jasmine, I was barely sleeping last night with millions of random thoughts rushing through my head.
And of course, to lighten my bag - this morning I remembered to take out the umbrella from my bag. Like Murphy's law decrees, it had to rain with me caught in it. That's it - FEVER.
Plus, mean and horrible I was, with my grouping comments yesterday, I really did try to transfer class. Unsuccessfully, of course, but well there still like a small glimmer of hope. So, I'm trying to suppress that section of gloomy clouds for now. (Or I might just sink into depression again)
But school today was extremely awkward. I felt uneasy, no matter what I do. There was just awkward pause after awkward silence. I guess, I'm now at the junction where I find myself wanting to be sociable in college(because it seems like the right thing to do), but I'm completely unaware and not equipped with the proper physics of how "conversations", "friends", etc work in school. I'm a little tired of filling silence and making conversations that I even find it hard to evoke enough interest in its replies. And I think I look aloof enough for people to NOT want to approach - be it a blessing or a curse.
And I missed the first lesson of the French class I signed up for today. Quite intentionally or unintentionally (Depending on perception), it was 6.00pm and I did not have the fees money with me for the class that started at 6.30pm today. It did occurred to me that I could get cash from dad at orchard and be back on time. But, I sort of gave up. Excuses available: tired, unprepared, sick, blah blah.... It's not exactly a good start to miss the 1st lesson of a new language course. Another bad beginning, I hope if I get well I'll be optimistic enough to believe that bad beginnings can be salvaged.
Well, I'm EMO today.. hard to not be at the alarming rate I'm eating through my tissue box and sneezing my nose off. There's only one class tomorrow, let's hope for the better. and there's always gossip girl to accompany my sick bed. I'll cry real hard if itunes screw up the uploading.
Sometime again, jeanie
January 5, 2009
Optimism died a quick and painful death tonight.
Well to the truth, it had been on the verge of death since yesterday - when I suddenly realize my critical skills module - business writing (whose grades have been CRITICAL, since I handed in, the really bad report which took ONLY 2 hours to do) is completely graded based on group project work. That made me so stressed and upset, I couldn't even blog yesterday.
******
I'm getting really sour. I apologize for my tone and I think it's the negative ions of today's mood that's rubbing onto me. We finally went out today with Jo, after her million pleas of boredom. But, all that came out of today: sour and bad vibes, really really awkward talks, a very over-priced and over-rated chocolate meal - that is giving a headache for overdosing, a lot of food, which I didn't enjoy that I ate to keep myself occupied and excused from responding, and the only bright spot: I have my phone back, with everything in tact and fixed.
It feels really good to be able to sms people and to complain to sylvie about my day, crap about with fanny, and laugh at Wy on her funny guy who likes her, but cannot be my new year resolution candidate. I really miss sms-ing...
....My vision's clouding from OD-ing chocolate. Jasmine is right, it's a torture, and I don't think I will be eating any chocolate soon. Till tomorrow then, after my class, after I settle my timetabling issues (I have a fews plans to get my way... hopefully they'll work out), and after I drop by the French school to get the course schedule. Good night.
Ps: looking on the bright side, I have budgetting done(my commencement of my frugal(to me) lifestyle), and my room's packed and a trip to pulau NTU to look forward to.
P.ps: Gossip girl coming back.... that's always a reason to be glad.
P.pPs: I'm getting really guilty not spending enough time with tongtong.. Shall walk him tomorrow...
Sometime soon (hopefully when I'm happier and less dizzy), jeanie
Well to the truth, it had been on the verge of death since yesterday - when I suddenly realize my critical skills module - business writing (whose grades have been CRITICAL, since I handed in, the really bad report which took ONLY 2 hours to do) is completely graded based on group project work. That made me so stressed and upset, I couldn't even blog yesterday.
******
I'm getting really sour. I apologize for my tone and I think it's the negative ions of today's mood that's rubbing onto me. We finally went out today with Jo, after her million pleas of boredom. But, all that came out of today: sour and bad vibes, really really awkward talks, a very over-priced and over-rated chocolate meal - that is giving a headache for overdosing, a lot of food, which I didn't enjoy that I ate to keep myself occupied and excused from responding, and the only bright spot: I have my phone back, with everything in tact and fixed.
It feels really good to be able to sms people and to complain to sylvie about my day, crap about with fanny, and laugh at Wy on her funny guy who likes her, but cannot be my new year resolution candidate. I really miss sms-ing...
....My vision's clouding from OD-ing chocolate. Jasmine is right, it's a torture, and I don't think I will be eating any chocolate soon. Till tomorrow then, after my class, after I settle my timetabling issues (I have a fews plans to get my way... hopefully they'll work out), and after I drop by the French school to get the course schedule. Good night.
Ps: looking on the bright side, I have budgetting done(my commencement of my frugal(to me) lifestyle), and my room's packed and a trip to pulau NTU to look forward to.
P.ps: Gossip girl coming back.... that's always a reason to be glad.
P.pPs: I'm getting really guilty not spending enough time with tongtong.. Shall walk him tomorrow...
Sometime soon (hopefully when I'm happier and less dizzy), jeanie
Songs on my Playlist: I feel Nothing , by the Pierces
Now no time to discover
All the things we were gonna be,
And no way to recover
All the pieces of you and me.
Now my life is calling
With no way to tell where it's going.
Maybe you'd want me back this time
And maybe you'd stay.
Maybe you'd want me back this time
But baby, I say
I feel nothing.
I know that somewhere inside me
You're not totally gone.
But I've not yet decided
If it's right or it's wrong.
Now it seems you're calling.
Leave a message after the tone.
Maybe you'd want me back this time
And maybe you'd stay.
Maybe you'd want me back this time
But baby, I say
I feel nothing.
Who's to say what happens next?
Momma told me never to say never.
Who's to say what happens next?
Who's to say I'll feel like this forever?
I feel nothing.
January 3, 2009
Today.. or more correctly yesterday, I found out that I am not going blind (thank god!), am incapable of invoke enough anger within myself to scold people over the phone, have exaggerated the queue size at the SE service center, and finally have watch the Devil wears Prada (which I have quoted from over 5 times, though I never did watched it).
And life could be no more perfect if my stomach problems and warts would disappear suddenly. If 2009 wasn't so gloom and black for daddy, mummy, and almost everyone else in the family. If I knew for sure there would be enough money in the world that I have access to give me my ideal education. And if I knew what exactly would be my ideal education.
And if we ditch all that, I still have my unpacked room, unpaid college fees, unregistered and unknown French class schedules.
Well, life progress as we regress further.
2 books to read now: living the truth and the now habit. Let's fight it out and let the victors write history.
Now, I'm rambling blabber. Till tomorrow then.
Sometimes soon, jeanie
And life could be no more perfect if my stomach problems and warts would disappear suddenly. If 2009 wasn't so gloom and black for daddy, mummy, and almost everyone else in the family. If I knew for sure there would be enough money in the world that I have access to give me my ideal education. And if I knew what exactly would be my ideal education.
And if we ditch all that, I still have my unpacked room, unpaid college fees, unregistered and unknown French class schedules.
Well, life progress as we regress further.
2 books to read now: living the truth and the now habit. Let's fight it out and let the victors write history.
Now, I'm rambling blabber. Till tomorrow then.
Sometimes soon, jeanie
Songs on my Playlist: Three Wishes, by the Pierces
We’d be so less fragile
If we’re made from metal
And our hearts from iron
And our minds from steel
And if we built an army
Full of tender bodies
Could we love each other
Would we stop to feel
And you want three wishes:
One to fly the heavens
One to swim like fishes
And then one you’re saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away
You say you want to know her like a lover
And undo her damage, she’ll be new again
Soon you’ll find that if you try to save her
It will lose her anger
You will never win
And you want three wishes:
You want never bitter
And all delicious
And then one you’re saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away
You want three wishes:
One to fly the heavens
One to swim like fishes
You want never bitter
And all delicious
And a clean conscience
And all it’s blisses
You want one true lover with a thousand kisses
You want soft and gentle and never vicious
And then one you’re saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away
January 2, 2009
It's the hour of reckon-ing again. But today, I'm not in the mood for words or typing. So I'll keep it short and sweet.
I've been reading "Living the Truth" last night (Technically. Morning.) We covered till emotional defense mechanisms(EDM). And according to the book, I will have my usual EDMs in place to protect my senses.
EDMs: I identified as
OD-ing on painkillers,
self-pain inflicting (both in which I hope will be gone from my life ever since then).
And other more seemingly normal, yet supposedly numbing habits
like my obsessive habits of
RE-reading of my romance novels and Harry Potter books.
my Re-watching and watching of often senseless dramas.
Blasting my ipod in crowds, my room and everywhere else.
My love of sitting in MRTs to sleep like I don't have a bed at home.
Loving to sleep day in and out, refusing to get up to when civilisation is awake.
Yups, so today I unsuccessfully woke up late as usual, (I was supposed to try to rise and shine in an attempt to remove the EDM to get to my true self on the other side of the mirror). And was grumpy like the dwarf. And then when onto trying to do something out of my EDMs, I tried bringing Tong to the dog run with Dad, Mum and Joanna (who were quarreling like hell on the car - definitely building bad mental associations to this activity). We did get there, just didn't get out of the car, since it begun to rain.
After which, proceeding to watching TV (which I was suppose to limit down - but failed).Then more TV, then dinner with Van's family. All these while, I was mindlessly processing the photos I took on Christmas and at yesterday's party. Together, with the 4 hours plus of facebook-ing, I pretty sure that I formed what the book described as the re-structured EDM(R.EDM). This R.EDM is apparently something my mystically powerful self-protection system came up with to replace the EDM I'm trying to take down. So apparently, I have to battle and minimize till ultimate destruction, both the EDM and R.EDM to remove all my battle scars. Chim right.
Here's the part that confuses me, one of my reasons for wanting to remove the EDM is because I think, LOGICALLY, I should be able to open up my true self to others, i.e be allowed to be myself. So should I really stop FB-ing (though it connects me to people), since it's a R.EDM? Well, conflicts and contradictions are part- and parcel of life's mysteries. I'll just have to sleep on this confusion and try harder.
But I know for sure that tomorrow will be too packed for EDMs(except for blasting Ipods).
I have packed Art history and institutions (boring and a library over-due) instead of a entertaining alternative for:
An Eye check-up,
Hopefully, a Skin treatment(after I scold the people at the National Skin Center),
Pick up my Now Habit book(supposedly to stop my procrastination and help me ACE my 1st academic resolution) from borders.
To check out my latest WANTED item: the Logictech(spells funny) speakers for my Z/tong Ipod with alarm to burn my ears to rise and shine at the Apple Store
To FIX my phone(finally.. I hear you say)
And maybe after all that action, I'll get down to clearing my room. MAYBE, a girl can dream and hope and also to that ten minutes of revelation of my truth and past. That's a pretty long to-do list, tomorrow. Till then again.
PS: Sorry, I lied, this post is LONG-er than short.
Sometimes again, jeanie
I've been reading "Living the Truth" last night (Technically. Morning.) We covered till emotional defense mechanisms(EDM). And according to the book, I will have my usual EDMs in place to protect my senses.
EDMs: I identified as
OD-ing on painkillers,
self-pain inflicting (both in which I hope will be gone from my life ever since then).
And other more seemingly normal, yet supposedly numbing habits
like my obsessive habits of
RE-reading of my romance novels and Harry Potter books.
my Re-watching and watching of often senseless dramas.
Blasting my ipod in crowds, my room and everywhere else.
My love of sitting in MRTs to sleep like I don't have a bed at home.
Loving to sleep day in and out, refusing to get up to when civilisation is awake.
Yups, so today I unsuccessfully woke up late as usual, (I was supposed to try to rise and shine in an attempt to remove the EDM to get to my true self on the other side of the mirror). And was grumpy like the dwarf. And then when onto trying to do something out of my EDMs, I tried bringing Tong to the dog run with Dad, Mum and Joanna (who were quarreling like hell on the car - definitely building bad mental associations to this activity). We did get there, just didn't get out of the car, since it begun to rain.
After which, proceeding to watching TV (which I was suppose to limit down - but failed).Then more TV, then dinner with Van's family. All these while, I was mindlessly processing the photos I took on Christmas and at yesterday's party. Together, with the 4 hours plus of facebook-ing, I pretty sure that I formed what the book described as the re-structured EDM(R.EDM). This R.EDM is apparently something my mystically powerful self-protection system came up with to replace the EDM I'm trying to take down. So apparently, I have to battle and minimize till ultimate destruction, both the EDM and R.EDM to remove all my battle scars. Chim right.
Here's the part that confuses me, one of my reasons for wanting to remove the EDM is because I think, LOGICALLY, I should be able to open up my true self to others, i.e be allowed to be myself. So should I really stop FB-ing (though it connects me to people), since it's a R.EDM? Well, conflicts and contradictions are part- and parcel of life's mysteries. I'll just have to sleep on this confusion and try harder.
But I know for sure that tomorrow will be too packed for EDMs(except for blasting Ipods).
I have packed Art history and institutions (boring and a library over-due) instead of a entertaining alternative for:
An Eye check-up,
Hopefully, a Skin treatment(after I scold the people at the National Skin Center),
Pick up my Now Habit book(supposedly to stop my procrastination and help me ACE my 1st academic resolution) from borders.
To check out my latest WANTED item: the Logictech(spells funny) speakers for my Z/tong Ipod with alarm to burn my ears to rise and shine at the Apple Store
To FIX my phone(finally.. I hear you say)
And maybe after all that action, I'll get down to clearing my room. MAYBE, a girl can dream and hope and also to that ten minutes of revelation of my truth and past. That's a pretty long to-do list, tomorrow. Till then again.
PS: Sorry, I lied, this post is LONG-er than short.
Sometimes again, jeanie
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